At Last...

It's only fitting that as we get ready to say goodbye to our first Black president that another big first happens...I actually find someone that I LIKE.  Or let me be more specific...he found me.  I was definitely about to take a break after two years or being single and dating but I guess it's true that these things happen when you aren't looking for them.

Looking back my dating strategy has typically been to find someone I could live with and not necessarily someone that I fell head over heels in love with and couldn't live without.  It's not that I didn't think Mr. Right would come along...I just didn't see anything wrong with dating Mr. Good Enough in the meantime.    It was also very important to me to date people that I wouldn't necessarily choose just to make sure I wasn't limiting myself or missing something.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I know it sounds cliché but life really is about the journey not the destination.  You don't learn what you like or don't like in dating if you never date.  You can't go into every situation (especially not dating) with the attitude that if it's not for forever it's not worth your time. 

I realized that I differ from a lot of women in that they date everyone expecting him to be the one...I date quite the opposite...I went into it thinking most of the people I met would NOT be the one and I was ok with that.  I was just there to make sure that he wasn't (validating my assumptions).  I realize there can't be too many people who can accept all that I am and vice versa...again maybe online dating and social media can be blamed for all these perceived matches...I felt there could only be one.  I also noticed many women only go out with their types or those who meet their list criteria (which means very few dates) so that explains why their (very high)  expectation is that this next one could be the one...and that also explains the deep disappointment when it's not.  I preferred to date whoever was interested in dating me which lead to a lot of interesting and funny experiences.  I feel like wanting someone is like wanting a  job.  Your results are better if you apply more and go on more interviews (even for jobs you feel may not be the best fit) because only then do you learn what you really can and can't do.   If nothing else you get better at interviewing.


I adopted this attitude because I quickly realized that what you're attracted to and what's good for you often seem to be two totally different things.  I came to that conclusion not only after my last relationship, but also after noticing that a lot of the other single women's previous relationship experiences were exactly like mine.  Literally I saw post after post where women described previous relationships that were exactly like what I described in Dating a Sociopath early on.  I made it my mission to figure out exactly how to avoid going down that path again!  It seems like sociopaths often seem to (or pretend to) meet all the list criteria a lot of women are looking for and the cycle continues. 


Specifically I noticed the career women who prided themselves on being hard to get and making a man work hard for them were most vulnerable to this type of guy (apparently they are all pretty persistent like my ex was).  We were all the ones who had high expectations...and it's no surprise that many of us were single parents too as these guys were always quick to come in and want to be a father figure to our children.
 
I advised others to trust their judgment and follow their instincts to avoid these situations.  But I also think it's a good idea to get the advice of people around you, especially those who know you well, on your dating choices.  For some reason that's another piece of advice that didn't go well at all.  I think it's a great idea as they might see something you don't see.  And I think it's similar to the way relationships used to work, when your families had to approve of each other.  I got great advice from my friends, family and even my child during this process. 

Lessons Learned

And my dating experiences were fun...some were a little scary, but still, fun...if you are dating and it's not fun for you then you are doing it wrong!  Stop doing it because it can be very stressful...and most importantly, if it's making you unhappy it's a self fulfilling prophecy...very few people are going to be attracted to you in the resulting unhappy state.


Most importantly I learned a lot...dating helped me to better understand what I was looking for as well as what I could and could not deal with. 


My list of must-haves ended up being: respectful, responsible, sane, happy, considerate and interested (in me).  Grammatically correct definitely didn't make the list!



Facebook Singles Groups


The Facebook singles groups were great...seeing the posts from the male and female point of view helped me to understand a lot about other single people and also about myself.  I wasn't on Facebook at all but a couple of people recommended singles/socials groups to me and I'm glad I joined a few.  I also went to several singles events (many national) as I still prefer to meet someone in person (it was fun meeting the women in the groups too, many of us had so much in common) and had a BLAST!


Dodged a Bullet
I was also able to find out more about the people I considered dating than I would have on a dating site.  I remember one guy who caught my attention shortly after joining one of my first groups.  He was handsome and we worked in the same field so we exchanged a few comments on a post.  He did not contact me after and I decided to wait a little while before contacting him and I'm glad I did!  A woman called him out shortly after on a different post (lots of people have been in these groups for years) for having 12 kids and bragging about raping a woman a few years before!!!!!!  He responded that he took care of all his kids and had another on the way...and also that he did not use the word "rape." I was shocked, but also quickly realized the benefit of the singles groups over dating sites.  I never would have known that if I'd just found him on a site.  And of course, there are fewer fake profiles. 


If You Don't Know You by Now
I also met a guy in one of my groups who was local.  He was in his 50's and looked a little short so I asked his height and he told me 5'3".  Well we met and he was nice enough...though he was actually about 4'9" to my 5'1" and seemed pretty immature.  When I asked what he did he started telling me about his internship?  He told me he was in school though he didn't like it and wasn't really sure what he wanted to do.  I asked where he lived and of course he lived with his mom.  He asked me for advice and I told him I'm not sure...at this point you may as well keep doing what you're doing until you collect social security...I don't mind that you live with your mom but I don't know if I can deal with the fact that you're still trying to find yourself and figure out what you want to do at this age.


Ghost me the First Time, Shame on You...

Exchanged numbers with another local guy and talked a couple of times but never met then he ghosted me...saw him months later at a group brunch and he told me he got busy. After the brunch he followed me to the mall so we could continue to chat.  After that he texted me maybe a couple of weeks later to ask what I was doing and I told him heading to a wine tasting two hours away. He asked me to pick him up on the way but said no when I asked if he could drive back so I wouldn't have to drive the whole time.  He fell asleep on the way back.  I still didn't hear from him much but he texted me again and asked if we could see me again...we chose a day because he said he had other dates the day before and the day after and agreed we'd meet at a park near his house around midday...I didn't hear anything from so I texted him the night before for details...he called me back at 2 pm the next day asking if I was still coming...I explained to him that in my mind midday meant noon so since I hadn't heard from him before that I wasn't coming.  He got irritated and reminded me that he'd told me had dates before and after so said I should come (44 miles from me) right away.  I told him it was too last minute and asked to reschedule...he said he was busy the next couple of weeks and that I had to come that day.  I told him we'd get together whenever he had more free time and he got upset, saying I never wanted to talk to him in the first place. I told him I thought he was being inconsiderate and he went off on me!  Uh, next! Everything was about him, and how he felt.  There was no respect for my time, resources or feelings. 
We Got Something in Common
A guy contacted me who was an Army vet as well and he was a little rude at first.  But we talked for a couple of days about our time in the Army and he seemed cool enough.  He asked me what were my pet peeves in a man and I told him I could deal with almost anyone who was respectful and considerate except maybe smokers.  He asked that our first date be close to him because he'd recently had eye surgery and didn't want to drive far.  I told him I could pick him up instead so I did.  The date went well enough although he was really jumpy and anxious.  I recognized and understood it as a symptom of PTSD, something I'd experienced when I first returned from overseas.  I mentioned it and he revealed that was Army retired and also 100% PTSD diagnosed and instead of taking the medication they prescribed for it he just smoked weed.  I told him I wasn't a fan of the fact he was a smoker but I decided to try to go along with it since I understood his condition.  However, he also had a lot of time on his hands (being retired) and called me a LOT...he would get upset when I couldn't answer.   Early on he'd told me that he was flirty especially on Facebook and hoped I didn't mind...to which I told him I didn't care since we weren't together.   But ironically he started questioning me about guys who would respond to my comments in the singles group we met in the first week. He also called me one day and was really pissed about the fact that a guy who was doing his floors for him had gotten sawdust on his car.  I was confused because they had done the floors together and he had moved ONE of his vehicles out of his garage so they could cut the flooring there.  I was like why didn't you move the other one too? And won't the sawdust wash off?  Why are you mad at him?  And he went off on me...I was like, um, yeah, please don't call me again!
When Your Friends Say they Don't Know Anyone, Believe Them
A lady at work also set up a double date for us with her husband and one of his friends.  The guy was nice enough but also a little too eager and presumptuous...he wanted to hug me, kiss me and hold my hand although we'd just met.  I made sure to let him down easy shortly thereafter and he was still very upset as he was already planning our second date.  I met a few men like him in dating who seem to fall in love immediately without feeling the need to get to know me at all.  They always get really upset when I don't go along with whatever they've planned and envisioned without me so it's best to cut and run as early as possible with them!





Long Distance Dating

I had a couple of long distance dating experiences as a result of being in lots of national groups.  Personally I don't prefer long distance dating because yes there are lots of calls and texts but I don't consider any of that quality time because there is no companionship element.  I desire genuine social interaction and communication, complete with hugs, body language and nonverbal cues.  Also I definitely wouldn't recommend entering into a long distance relationship with someone before you meet them in person.  It's very important to first see how they will react to you, and also how they conduct themselves in various social situations...otherwise, sorry, you do NOT know them.  NO amount of phone calls, video chats and text messages will change that.  I honestly think that you should meet as SOON as possible...meaning before you start to become accustomed to getting their phone calls and texts or start to develop feelings for them.  Traveling frequently to see each other can quickly become very costly.  And of course it's all wasted if it still doesn't work out.  Dating coach Paul Carrick Brunson (one of my favorite dating/life coaches) recommended meeting in person within 48 hours.  That rule honestly excludes long distance for many...and more importantly it excludes those who may have to figure out what they're going to tell their wives before going on a date LOL.

Definitely No Asperger's Please

I met a guy in one of the groups who was from the Midwest for example.  He worked in technology and seemed a little socially awkward but intelligent which is typical for men who work in our field so I was ok with that.  We spoke on the phone daily and did video chats a lot.  I thought he was very sweet and very polite.  He also let me know he was a house music DJ who enjoyed "cocktailing."  I was concerned, and hoped it wasn't some weird sexual thing I hadn't heard about yet but he explained that he was just someone who liked to mix drinks, and also go places that have good mixed drinks.   We talked for about a month before he wanted to come see me.  He also had family here in Texas so I thought it was a good idea.  I gave him the info he needed to make hotel and flight accommodations and agreed to pick him up at the airport.  I picked him up at baggage claim and he seemed disappointed that I didn't get out to give him a hug.  I explained there were a lot of people waiting to pull up so I'd give him a hug later.  He said oh, I didn't get my bag yet...ok...I asked him to get his bag and I circled the airport and pulled back around.  I gave him a hug this time and then we left the airport.  He immediately wanted to change the music in my car to house music even though he flew in late. I took him to his hotel and agreed to pick him up the next day for brunch and then a movie.  I called him from outside his hotel and he didn't answer....after half an hour I was beginning to worry (and didn't have his room number) so I was debating on whether to ask someone at the desk to go up and check on him.  He finally answered, and when I asked why he hadn't answered earlier he only replied "I was listening to my music."  I asked if he'd forgotten I was picking him up, and he said no.  Ok...He wanted to listen to house music again on the way to dinner/movie but I was already tired of it so I suggested we talk instead.  We ended up talking about cars and a Michael Jackson movie I'd never seen.  When we got to the theatre he was on his phone and cursing a lot instead of interacting with me.  When I asked why he said he was trying to download the movie for me on his phone.  I reminded him that I had already ordered it off Ebay in the car and asked that he talk to me instead.  He pouted in his seat instead.  After the movie he asked if we could go to a bar so I took him to one. He took forever ordering his drink, reading off and critiquing each cocktail on the menu before finally giving the bartender his own personalized order.  He seemed pretty enthralled with the game that was on but also in the commercials too.  It was like he didn't realize I was there.  I got excited during a touchdown and accidentally spilled my drink in my lap (and the bar was drafty).  The waitress and the guy sitting to my right asked if I was ok.  My date, on the other hand, finally realized I was there and loudly exclaimed "You're drunk!"  I tried to protest that I wasn't but he informed me that I was because I spilled my drink and that's something drunk people do.  The bartender took my side, pointing out to him that my drink was full when I spilled it but he was adamant that I was drunk.  I sat there cold and irritated as he forgot me again but suddenly he reached out and started rubbing my back.  I asked why and he said because that's what you do to drunk people because it makes them feel better.   At this point I realized he liked cocktailing so much because being able to use inebriation as an excuse made the behavior (which I believed to be Asberger's) a little more acceptable. I just wanted the date (which unfortunately was the whole weekend) to be over after that but I had promised to take him to visit his relatives and he hadn't mentioned it since.  I asked him if he still wanted me to meet them and he said yes.  I didn't feel like it was a good idea because we weren't together and I told him so.  He asked if I wanted to be together and I gave him a resounding "Hell no!"  He asked why not and I told him the distance (since it seemed pointless to explain everything else).  He seemed surprised but said he still wanted me to meet them.  I asked when and where and he told me the next day at 11 am at a Cheesecake Factory 44 miles away...what???  I asked if he could at least have them meet us later and he got irritated and said we had to meet them at that time.  I met his family and his behavior was the same with them (loud and inappropriate with non-stop terrible jokes).  By the end of the brunch they knew he would never see me again but he didn't.  I took him to dinner the evening before he was to leave and waited until he critiqued the whole drink menu and then explained to him that I didn't think it would work.  Again he was surprised (he was already looking forward to coming back) and I tried to explain that he barely even paid any attention to me.  He said his whole world didn't revolve around me and I told him that was fine.  He seemed very upset and then sad.  When I asked how he felt, he said confused.  I made sure he got back home and never spoke to him again.

I made the decision to delete my Facebook account at my one year mark.  I decided I'd just continue to have fun, enjoy my life and meet people naturally.  I've been asked why I always say people and not men and my reason is that everyone is growing old but not everyone is growing up...I've met some men, boys, monsters, transformers, etc. so I rather use people.  Also I often meet girls and women (especially at work) and when they realize I'm single they want to hook me up with someone...or hook up with me...

Best First Impression thus Far
I got a message from a guy who'd recently joined one of my singles groups after commenting on one of his posts two weeks before I was going to delete my Facebook account.  Thankfully he was local!  We went back and forth a little before exchanging numbers.  We talked on the phone and he seemed a little too playful for me, and just all over the place.  But still I liked that he asked a lot of great questions so I agreed to do a quick meet and greet.  No food, not even coffee.  We just met at the mall so if I didn't like him it would be easy to just bail!

Well imagine my surprise when the quick meet and greet turned into a four hour conversation in the food court!  And from there we went to the movies...needless to say we've been talking ever since!  This was the only experience I had where I wasn't too sure about him after phone conversation but I was much more impressed with him in person.  Typically it was the other way around.

We have so much in common and we look at so many things the same way so I'm very excited to see what happens next!

Getting Warmer...Great Resources to Prepare for a Relationship

Sooo once you figure out dating and actually meet someone the real work begins!  Are you ready?  Are you compatible?  How can you be your best self for your relationship?  One of the first things I recommend to women is to start reading Cosmopolitan magazine...they always complain that all it contains is articles on how to look your best and have great sex...and my response to them is EXACTLY!  Simple advice, because guess what, men are SIMPLE!  If Cosmo is not your thing you may need to read the articles below.


Eight Signs you May Not be Ready for a Relationship

 

This article does a great job of explaining a lot of the things I saw in would-be relationship seekers.

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/eight-signs-you-may-not-be-ready-for-a-relationship/ 

 

10 Ways to Know you Are Ready for a Relationship

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-michael-sama/10-ways-to-know-youre-rea_b_5316997.html 

 

Great Article on Ghosting

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/04/11/hey-whered-you-go-5-reasons-people-ghost/          

 

 

Why Ghosting Hurts so Much

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

 

Dating PTSD

 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/do-you-have-dating-ptsd/          

 

 

PTSD factsheet

 

http://www.svfreenyc.org/survivors_factsheet_107.html

 

 

Do I need counseling?

 

http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=3885 

 

 

5 Love Languages Quiz

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/          

 

Personality Test Quiz

 

https://www.16personalities.com/        

 

Know your Status!

 

http://Stdtestexpress.com                        

 

Friend Zone Support Group Skit


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE5bOxe5Pq8

 

Why the One isn't the Person Who Loves you Most


http://elitedaily.com/dating/the-one-isnt-the-person-who-loves-you-most-but-the-person-who-understands-you-best/594071/

Great Relationship Advice

 

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865623607/Marriage-tip-Stop-treating-your-husband-like-a-child.html  

It's Important to Avoid these Behaviors to Stay in a Relationship
http://www.businessinsider.com/4-behaviors-can-predict-divorce-2015-1

Why Are We Single?

Why Are We Single?


Sooo after two years of dating and sharing lots of funny dating stories I have a theory.  Being in the Facebook singles groups I'm in and seeing the female side of things helped me tremendously so I'm glad they exist. 

I even came up with my own definition of dating and that is: Chasing people who are chasing other people.

I also learned that dating is something that has no real goal in mind...you can date just for fun or for sport (and many do).  I actually would prefer to court, or be courted...because courting is done with marriage in mind.  However, in many cases you still have to date first in order to identify those who would be worthy of courtship.

I don't really prefer online dating because there are so many perceived options.  The reality is you just have to spend a lot of time weeding through a lot of people who are definitely single for reason, people who have completely misrepresented themselves and people who really aren't single.  I also don't prefer it because dating multiples is exhausting.  At some point I was having a hard time keeping track of details about different guys (I started making notes under their contacts in my phone to keep up).  I also couldn't remember what I had and had not talked about with them.  And, finally I think it causes another problem...you can become accustomed to dating multiples.  You may like the sense of humor of one, and maybe the serious side of another...you might also enjoy going on totally different types of dates with them.  Unfortunately this makes it hard to choose just one.  Furthermore, when dating multiples you don't have to worry about availability.  If one of them isn't available you can just call the other.  These are all great benefits of dating more than one person but I think it makes us less motivated to choose just one.

I think there are three reasons so many of us are single: our types and preferences, the friend zone and online dating/social media (internet based interactions and communication).

Actually I may be able to touch on a couple of questions in this post that commonly arise as a result of dating, and especially, online dating before I get into those reasons.


Why do men lie (especially on dating sites)?
Men are strategists (which is why they love games, challenges).  Many of them are all about doing what they need to do in order to overcome obstacles and succeed at a game.  The dating game is no exception. 


In my experiences (and across all platforms) I noticed that men misrepresented things about themselves often...from where they lived to what they did, and then, most commonly, their height and how many children they had. 


But I asked questions, and as several of them explained to me, if they hadn't amended their stats to meet women's search criteria then many of them would never have gotten any matches at all.  For example, the average woman (no matter her height) seems to prefer a man at least six feet tall.  However, most men aren't six feet tall so again...if every woman is searching for men who are at least six feet then most men won't get very much attention...but if they were to change that one little thing then voila, matches!  (I found most men exaggerated their height by two inches or more). And also, something very few women seem to realize is, the men who ARE six feet are getting ALL the attention and therefore are very confused about what choice to make and have little or no motivation to settle.  The Facebook groups helped me to realize all the women were attracted to the same few men and they friend zone all the ones who are husband material.

I was also guilty of looking for men that had no more than two children (and sites like Match allow you to specify the maximum number of children a potential partner can have).  This is something men DEFINITELY lie about, and again for the same reasons...apparently most women are looking for a man with no more than two children.  I was soon able to tell how many children a man had by how many times he avoided answering that question.  If he said "Huh" I knew there was at least one.  If he said "Why, do you want anymore?" I knew that was at least two.  If he said "I take care of all my kids..." I knew that was at least 3.  If he said "Some of them are grown" it usually indicated at least four, and so on.  I did that to one guy and finally (as he was asking me if I thought I could afford another child) I was like so, you have six kids...he wondered how I knew, and he insisted I must have talked to someone else who knew him.  I guess I've always been blessed to be able to hear not only what a person says, but also what they DON'T say, which is more important. 


Is all this specifying features and options starting to sound more like buying a car than falling in love to anyone other than me? Ok...I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me.  The end result is that we start picking people more for what they have or what they are than WHO they are.  So when those things change (job loss, disfigurement, etc.) then we are stuck with WHO they are and it usually doesn't work anymore.  I really think that's the reason the divorce rate is so high.


So why do men lie in general? 


Other than for the reasons above (to adapt and overcome), one of the other things I learned being in the singles groups is some women really do NOT want to hear the truth.  I saw some downright, throw down Facebook arguments that got ugly when a man would say something as simple as "I don't like women with natural hair" or "I prefer a woman stay in shape or lose weight."  Or, the biggest kicker, "I prefer women who don't wear makeup."  And don't even think about saying "I prefer a woman with two or fewer children."  Ironically the same women who would get fighting mad at these truths were the same ones who had their six feet, no kids and six figure income requirements which leads me to one of the biggest problems I see in dating overall...lack of respect AND lack of self-awareness.  In some cases when someone decides they like you it seems there is nothing you can do about it...you try to tell them the truth and they get really upset.  They don't respect how you feel at all.  And I guess it also wasn't ok to not want them and their anger issues...so in those situations I lied too just to avoid the vitriol, or even some cases pure HATE.  Many of the men in the groups just chose to not say anything, but of course they got criticized for that too.  

 

So as far as lying even I began to develop my exit strategy approach to dating...I would meet someone and speak to them and if I decided I didn't want to pursue anything further I'd give a reason why...typically I just took an opposing stance to something that was important to them.  So if they wanted kids, I told them I didn't.  If they didn't want kids I told them I did.  Thankfully I really am ok either way since I already have a child.  If they didn't care either way either I told them I was planning to quit my job soon.  Although this strategy didn't always work, as indicated in Serial Killer Much? from my Where's Waldo post.  He had already told me he was very religious and attended church regularly so I quickly took the opposing stance (although it's true that I'm not very religious).  

Also, one of the funnier things I witnessed was the pictures argument.  So apparently in online dating men ask for pictures a lot.  This is one of the many situations where I do think more like a man because so do I.  If we are in a situation where we are dating and I don't get to see you every day I'm curious to know what you wore or what your smile looks like. 

Women Lie Too? Well I Never
Well apparently women get mad when you ask them to send you pictures.  Many men said that was their cue to leave the woman alone if she got mad (ironically I had a situation with And Another, from my Where's Waldo post where he was texting me for pictures and I didn't send them because I was asking him something else so that  may be why he left me alone).


But the men said the main reason THEY ask for pictures is because women will wear lots of makeup, only take pictures from certain angles, or even use lots of camera filters to make themselves look better.  They said the women who get mad are the ones who have done these things so again you've learned not only is she misrepresenting herself (the women always got mad if they were told this is lying) but also you know she has anger issues as soon as she gets mad when you ask her.  Disaster avoided! LOL


Sadly I met men who used just as many filters and angles and have just as many selfies and or old pictures which struck me as distinctly feminine so I began to call them Transformers....they were also most likely the ones to say "go look on my profile" when asked for a picture...I always told them the same thing...I am not interested in continuing to do online dating.  If I'm trying to have real conversations and interactions with you but you insist I need to go back online then when I do log back in I will go find someone else.


Matter of fact one of the questions I learned to ask pretty early on of the men was how many social media accounts do you have?  Most of the ones who had multiple Facebook accounts as well as Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. were just looking for attention like One Good Turn Deserves another Selfie in my Where's Waldo post.  I learned to avoid them pretty quickly.



So why is everybody lying?  Well a couple of the men told me the best answer.  All the stuff you do in online dating is like competing...the goal is to do whatever you have to do just to get your foot in the door and then actually meet the person.  Once you meet them there's a chance to win them over.  If you reveal things like actual number of children you have once you've met and the person already likes you then they are more likely to accept it.  Which honestly sounds more like what happens when...you meet them in person and get to know them for who they are...versus trying to specify who they should be online.


There is a great quote attributed to rapper Wiz Khalifa (someone I thought I'd never learn anything from) that sums it all up pretty accurately...extremely accurately actually.  I saw so many women recount tales of how a guy told them something they wanted to hear and they fell completely in love (in spite of actions that indicated maybe he didn't feel that way). 


Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up; and boys lie.” – Wiz Khalifa


Why do People Ghost You?


I read a great article about all the reasons a person might ghost (completely disappear and stop contacting) you. They may just want to keep their options open, they feel you are getting too serious, they aren't interested but want to avoid conflict, etc. But funny enough, as I was deleting the numbers of men I'd encountered while online dating I decided to search those numbers in Facebook.  I was actually astounded at the number of men (and typically they were the ones I was actually starting to like) that already had someone.  Literally, girlfriends and wives, validated by social media (because I keep hearing if it's not on social media it's not real LOL) that they were with when I met them online. 


Ghosting is a topic that that comes up a lot and causes a lot of hurt feelings but I always try to explain that if they ghosted you they didn't WANT you for whatever reason.  Therefore they did you a favor.  So many people expend so much energy trying to convince someone that doesn't want them to want them.



Why are we Single? Our Types and Preferences


Some of the hardest advice to take in dating seems to be "learn to want the people who want you"

I also made the observation that good people are often not attracted to other good people...they find them boring.

But I am someone who doesn't really think I have a type.  My reasons for not dealing with the men I encountered were about personality issues, namely selfishness.  But since I got ghosted so much by people I was starting to like (who weren't looking for relationships as they stated) I started to wonder, is there something that I'm attracted to that makes me more likely to choose them?  The answer, again, is one I learned in the Facebook groups.  By now there was nowhere to enter a preference for number of children, height or anything else so what was attracting me exactly?  And the answer was: level of intelligence.  I didn't realize there were so many women, who like myself, were grammar Nazi's...when I looked back I realized that one of the things my picks had in common is they all had well written profiles...even in the Facebook singles groups they were the ones that had well written, grammatically correct comments and posts...I also looked for someone who seemed to be well versed, well rounded...and well employed didn't hurt.   And so again I realized all of the women and I were going after the same few men in all the groups.  I started to research the issue more and found it was very common.  The other thing these men also had in common was they were often rude, sarcastic, black/white thinkers, contemptuous and disrespectful.  I found myself constantly having to tell them how I expected to be treated though a lot of it should have been common consideration.  In fact, I found one GREAT article about it.  This article summed up most of my more successful dating experiences (if you can call them that since we didn't end up together).  Throw in less likely to settle or entertaining multiple women and really it would sum them up perfectly. 


                                            ***************************


Why Being Attracted to Smarter Men Is the Biggest Reason You’re Single
By Evan Marc Katz

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-being-attracted-to-smarter-men-is-the-biggest-reason-youre-single/

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”

If I had a dollar for the number of women who have said that to me, well, let’s just say I’d be writing this from Tahiti, not Los Angeles.

And I can’t disagree with you: attraction is NOT a choice.

Yet if the very thing you’re attracted to never leads to the relationship of your dreams, don’t you think it may be wise to make some adjustments?  I think so.

You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.

You’d make adjustments if you were only looking for jobs on Monster.com and it never got you a job.

You’d make adjustments if you alienated your co-workers and wanted to feel better from 9-5 every day.

We’re constantly making adjustments in life.  Except in one arena.

Should it be any news that it’s the one arena in which you struggle the most?

And a big reason you struggle to connect with men is because you’re so bright.

I hear ya.

Like many of you, I’m a bit of an intellectual snob. I read voraciously. I like to discuss weighty issues. I know a little bit about a lot and can pretty much hold my own in any cocktail party conversation.

You want to know something else about me?

I’m a know-it-all.

I’m difficult.

I’m moody.

I’m opinionated as hell.

I’m a workaholic.

I’m an egomaniac.

I always want things my way.

Now before you decide that you hate me, I’d like you to consider two things:

First, does that description remind you of any of the men you’ve dated in the past?

If so, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

That’s the thing about really smart guys. They live in their heads. They’re somewhat tortured. They know what they’re worth. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with. They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating.

You’ve seen this yourself MANY times.

And yet you still say you want a man who is smarter than you are.  Hmmm…

Sounds like a pretty exhausting relationship, doesn’t it?

Sounds like the price you pay for dating a great conversationalist is pretty steep, huh?

On one side, you get a brilliant, stimulating mind, which really turns you on…

On the other you get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man who is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you.

Once again… Hmmm…

Before I forget, there was one other thing I wanted you to consider:

Very smart. Know-it-all. Difficult. Moody. Short-tempered. Opinionated. Workaholic. Egomaniac. Judgmental. Always want things your way.

Does that describe anybody else besides those brilliant men you’re drawn to?

It certainly describes my clients. And I wouldn’t be all that shocked if it somewhat described you as well.

And when two people who are that smart, that opinionated, and that strong-willed get together, it should obvious that sparks will fly – and tensions will mount.

So while I’m not judging you for being just like I am – I AM pointing out to you that if you insist that you can ONLY be attracted to men who are smarter than you, you are relegating yourself to less than 2% of the population (before we consider things like looks, height, money, religion, humor, charm, attraction, values, etc.)

Moreover, you’re relegating yourself to a man who is NOT A GOOD FIT FOR YOU.

And therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to only MENSA men.

The key to your future successful relationships is going to come in opening up to smart guys without all the baggage that comes from being brilliant and driven.

That does NOT mean that you are going to find yourself with a man who has never read a newspaper, who has no interest in foreign travel, or who can’t keep up with you and your friends.

It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of amazing, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be smarter than you.

It’s not all or nothing.

We compromise on things every single day.

Your job isn’t perfect. You put up with it for 10 hours a day.

Your friends and family aren’t perfect. You put up with them for the rest of the time.

And yet you still hold your boyfriend to a ridiculous standard, as if a man who went to a state school and doesn’t watch Sunday morning political talk shows is a dullard.

I know, I know.  You can’t help what you’re attracted to.  Me either.

But I spent the first 35 years of my life chasing women who were just like me – the smartest women in the room. And I put up with the same things that you have to deal with from men – selfishness, difficulty, self-righteousness and so on.

I married a woman who was smart – who gets every joke, who knows about Shakespeare and classical music, who has definite opinions about Israel/Palestine – but she’s not necessarily in the 98th percentile of intellectual curiosity.

And you know what?

It feels GREAT.

Because most of our lives are not spent discussing the finer points of Proust, or the best way to fix the 2-party system, or the science behind String Theory… our time is usually spent talking about fixing up the house, raising our daughter, planning our next vacation, figuring out what we’re going to have for dinner, etc.

Thus, my wife doesn’t HAVE to be like me – because we’re great together.

So if you believe in self-help, if you’ve read books about spirituality, if you’ve gone to shrinks and taken weekend seminars, and yet you still think your husband has to be on the exact same wavelength as you?

Sorry.  He doesn’t.

He just has to respect you. And you have to respect him.

My wife hasn’t done any of that personal growth stuff and you know what?

She’s happy. Better than that, she’s CONTENT.

Have you ever been with a brilliant guy who is, at heart, a miserable person?

I’ll bet you have.

And I’ll bet you’d do it again – hoping for a different ending this time.

Once again, there’s no different ending.

Brilliant men tend to be bad partners. You’ve seen this numerous times.

So, from now on, you’re going to discover the virtues of smart, kind, thoughtful, generous, easygoing, commitment-oriented men.

You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.

You CAN get the relationship you want; just not with the man you always thought you wanted.

Trust me, the reality is FAR better than the fantasy.

                                         **********************************

I posted the article in several groups and the women were downright indignant LOL I couldn't believe how many rejected the notion, just as the author said.  I later posted that I was hanging up my Grammar Nazi badge because I'd learned that a man's grammar doesn't indicate anything about how good of a person he is.  I also put that in my experiences it often indicated the opposite.  I told them that I'd seen relationships where the woman often didn't realize her husband couldn't really spell until they were practically married.  There were a couple of women who agreed (one even said her husband didn't know how to spell her name), but many more who disagreed.  But I was really surprised by the number of men who responded, thanking me for posting it.  Once I starting looking past grammar (yet another pitfall of online dating) my dates improved significantly. 

My advice to all those women who refused to amend their preferences was at least have realistic expectations.  So many women cling to the ideal of finding this perfect guy even though a lot of their list criteria are contradictory.  One of the common topics was the number of women who want a successful man but don't want him to be a busy man.  Another one was the fact that many women want an extremely wealthy man but want him to also be faithful (even though he may travel a lot and women throw themselves at him at every turn).  And then, most importantly, once you find this man who meets all these contradicting criteria really ask yourself...does he want you?  If he doesn't don't try to force him to.  


Two of my favorite songs are "Grenade" by Bruno Mars and "I Care" by Beyoncé because they are both about loving someone who doesn't love you back.  So this is a common phenomenon as we all know.

Why is most of my advice directed at women?  Mostly because they are the ones who are more vocal and specific on dating sites and in the groups.  Men and women often posted screenshots of their dating profile descriptions.  The men usually had pretty short ones but the women would usually post a list a mile long  of do's and don'ts.  Too much like a job in my opinion...I guess we are doing too much thinking and not enough feeling.  And love is a feeling after all.  Also it seems like women worry more about finding someone than men do. 


I felt it was worthwhile to mention that four of the behaviors I observed the most in these extremely smart men were also identified by researchers as four behaviors that can accurately predict whether or not a couple will divorce.  Those four behaviors are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.


http://www.businessinsider.com/4-behaviors-can-predict-divorce-2015-1

Why are We Single? The Friend Zone

I can't count the number of times I've met men and women who seem to be totally into someone but when asked about the person they say "that's just my friend."  (like That's my Best Friend in my Where's Waldo post).

Even more mindblowing and astounding is I've met people who swear no one wants them...then when asked about a "friend" who sounds totally devoted they say "they don't count."

HUH?

Since when do the people who are completely devoted to us not count?  Well apparently this is a REALLY common problem...I even found a funny/not so funny skit about it dubbed the "Friend Zone Support Group"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE5bOxe5Pq8





I read a great article about how finding the one that I really liked.


http://elitedaily.com/dating/the-one-isnt-the-person-who-loves-you-most-but-the-person-who-understands-you-best/594071/


I believe that human beings are only searching for two things in life: to be remembered and to be understood. Love is the fusion of both these two basic psychological needs. It's finding that person that sees you as you, that relates to you and truly understands you, that is finding love. In all honesty, it isn't a simple task defining the sort of understanding that I am describing here.


It's almost as if it goes beyond understanding to knowing – the right person is the person that somehow, by whatever miracle, knows you. He or she knows you and knows you all the way to the deepest and darkest corners of you. He or she knows and understands you without you having to tell him or her all of your secrets, as if he or she were in on them from the start. He or she knows you in a way that no one else knows you. Hell, he or she may very well know you better than you know yourself.

So I made several posts to try to figure out how people get put in the friend zone exactly.  The answer was either they didn't meet a certain (often physical or financial) type (regardless of how loyal and supportive they were) or, even funnier, they dated and/or had sex before and it wasn't good but they still liked each other so they kept hanging out I guess.

 

I read a great article called "Why is it so Hard for Black Women to find the Love they Deserve?" and one of the matchmakers in the article said it best:

http://www.essence.com/2014/04/03/why-it-so-hard-black-women-find-love-they-deserve

FISHER: We found that as opposed to the White clients that we’ve had, Black women are usually looking for physical attributes first. We look for someone who is attractive to us and then we pick up on his hobbies, interests and values. Whereas, White clients are looking for the reverse first. What kind of job does he have? Is he going to be able to provide? Then they circle back.

GILMORE: We’re the first ones to look at men's bodies and how attractive they are whereas our White clients have a long list of requirements of things like character and integrity...


FISHER: ...and, then down the line, it backfires for us because you were never a compatible mix to start with.

ESSENCE.COM: Do Black women have realistic dating pool expectations?
GILMORE: We have clients that have a long laundry list of requirements—6 foot 4, with a Ph.D., never been married, no children, in his late 30s or early 40s—and a lot of times we then ask them, well, what are you bringing to the table? And, the answer is nowhere near all that. Why would you expect someone to have more than what you’re offering?

So I realized one of the biggest problems is that we don’t like the people who like us. I was jealous of the people who seemed to have several people who were completely devoted to them…I literally could only think of two guys from my past who both had serious anger issues and would probably land me in jail if I dealt with them.  But don’t think I didn’t try!

Even crazier is I've seen a few men and women who actually met someone but then their friend zone was the demise of the relationship.  They didn't realize how loyal they were to these "friends", often putting them before their significant other. 

When I first starting online dating the word friend made my skin crawl.  I don't have a male friend zone so I would hate when I didn't want to deal with a guy and he asked if we could be friends instead.  I always asked them the same thing: when I meet someone how do I explain to him that I have all these "friends" that I met on dating sites?  I have people that I've been shot at with and I don't even keep in touch with them.

My stance on opposite sex friendships is often regarded as arrogant but I've found it to be really accurate.  Most of the men I meet are attracted to me for some reason or another.  If that attraction isn't mutual then to me it's not fair to keep them around.  No matter what it evolves into (or maybe devolves into is a better way to put it) I don't think the attraction ever goes away.  And I think that attraction (and the commitment and devotion that comes along with) can undermine relationships.  These opposite sex friends usually aren't happy when their "friend" finds someone.

I have had male friends before but I always dropped them when I got into a relationship.  I tried looking some of them up (and also past exes) once I became single again in case there was a "one that got away" but no luck. 

I did start trying to cultivate male friendships since dating wasn't working.  It seems a lot of really good relationships start off as friendships since there is less pressure than dating.  However I didn't prefer them because there are always blurred lines in that type of friendship.  I met men that I could talk about almost anything with even though we didn't date for whatever reason...but they always make inappropriate comments or there are always innuendos that reveal their true intentions.

For all the people who staunchly defended their opposite sex friendships I always ask the same question...could you do or say everything you do with this person in front of your significant other?  If the answer is no that is not a true friendship to me.

One thing I say all the time is a lot more people would be married if they weren't getting most if not all of their companionship needs met by a plethora of friends already.


Even worse is the few people who would give someone they aren't immediately attracted to a chance expect them to make huge changes which isn't fair to them. 

Why are we Single?  Online dating/social media (internet based interactions and communication)


So I joined Facebook solely for the purpose of joining the singles groups I'm in.  I've now been in them for a year and decided that it was time to delete my account.  Why?  Because I noticed that genuine interactions are diminished in comparison. 



Being on social media is also distracting.  I found myself glued to my phone (my hands and wrist are even starting to hurt as a result) when there was a really good post.  I learned a lot but I felt like a lot of my life was passing me by as a result.  I mean I could even spend hours at work on a good post (I need to make sure my supervisor never reads this!)  I didn't meet anyone before I made this decision but as I posted...if the right one comes along I don't want to miss it because I'm looking down at my phone.  I was at a point where I would go to my daughter's events or start a conversation with her but log in and check on a good post...I didn't want to turn into one of those people I complained about that was social media obsessed and always on their phones in my presence.


In regard to relationships I think online dating breeds the misconception that there are a lot of options out there for us.  I've noticed one of the main reasons people friend zone each other rather than working with each other is because they always see something online that they perceive to be better.  They often say they don't want to settle and it makes me sad.


Furthermore, trying to specify your search criteria AND meet someone's search criteria adds another layer or complexity to an already difficult process. 

Online Dating Criteria Add Another Layer of Complexity to an Already Complex Process
The criteria that we use online to evaluate people (best pictures, best grammar) makes it even harder and honestly has little or no bearing on who they are as a person, or how compatible you might be with them.  I also noticed that a lot of women were looking for good DATERS which also doesn't tell you anything about good of a person they are.  Really all it tells you is they date a LOT so they are very experienced at it...and is that really a good thing?



The people who find each other in spite of these still sometimes spend too much time on their phones and/or social media and neglect their partners.  Even sadder, they tend to compare their situations to the illusions (oops I mean images) of relationships they see online…it’s a no win situation!



I also learned very early on in dating to avoid men who are very active on social media.  They really are more obsessed with themselves, attention, getting the most likes, etc. rather than living life, settling down or genuine social interaction.  I was able to avoid a lot of those who stayed glued to their phone on a date just by asking how many social media accounts they had.  By the time they said Twitter, Snapchat, 2 Facebook accounts, Instagram AND Pinterest I'd already have one foot out the door...but of course I went on a couple of dates with them anyway to validate my theory and yep, I always lost to their phone, or best case scenario, talk of other women or whatever the latest trend was on Facebook on the date.




Catfish Anyone?
The thing that was most surprising to me was how many adults take social media interactions VERY seriously.  I am familiar with the show Catfish where people fall in love with people they've never met (or at least an illusion of them) based on text messages and phone calls only to find they've been mislead.  I could understand that for young people because children now are practically born with a cell phone in their hands and for them genuine communication is somewhat of a myth.  But it really surprised me to see people my age and older who felt they were in a relationship with someone based on inbox messages, texts or phone conversations.  I'm the total opposite...I feel like I get to know nothing about you in messages, a little about you by talking on the phone and some of the things I need to know about you based on face to face interaction.  I need to know how you will react to me, and most importantly, how you will conduct yourself in certain situations before I would even dream of having feelings for you.  Therefore I don't take social media interactions seriously at all. 




Long Distance Sociopath
I met a guy who lived on the east coast in one of the groups who was social media obsessed (so needless to say that didn't go well).  He would question me about every post I made, the people who's posts I commented on and what my relationship was to them AS SOON AS I COMMENTED.  My sister had just moved to his state so I made the decision to visit them both (I think flying out just to meet someone for the first time is a bad idea).  His phone stayed glued to his hand even when we met and he was very rude and demanding...he also  told me I only needed to change three things and I'd be perfect for him (my hair, the way I dressed and the fact that I got upset when he was rude to me and/or stayed glued to his phone).  Uh, next! 




Long Distance Millennial
I met a younger guy who lived in one of the northern states and thought he had intelligent conversation although he seemed immature and responsible. I also learned rather quickly that he was rather dependent as he told me if we wanted to be together I had to help him because he had no clue how to move and also I had to come get him because he didn't think he could drive to Texas alone.  I also learned soon after that he was very sensitive.   One day he told me he had something important to talk to me about and the first time it was that he felt some of my comments on various posts (usually posts about past bad relationship experiences) were too negative...I was like um, so would you like me to just pretend I've never had a bad relationship experience? Or would the better solution be for you to stop following me on Facebook?  I don't get it. 



The second time he was very upset that someone had paired me with another singles group member on a "Facebook Couples" post and I responded to the post by saying "Heyyyyy, looks like we go together now"  He was so upset by that comment that he had to leave the group entirely.  He said he couldn't understand why I didn't see the comment as disrespectful considering he and I were in communication.  I told him I thought it was all in fun and as a joke and he said it should be common sense that it was disrespect.  Mind you, he was slightly younger than me and definitely a spoiled, entitled, selfish, self-important, dependent, know it all millennial who wanted to relocate to be with me (mainly because he didn't like where he currently lived) but had already told me 1. he didn't know how to move so I would have to help him 2. his only concern was that he wanted to bring his couch 3. I would have to come get him because there was no way he could travel alone from his state to mine.  Based on that I didn't feel he was the best person to tell me what was common sense and what wasn't but hey...maybe it's just me.


Long Distance Workaholic
I met another guy who lived on the east coast who again was very intelligent but a serious workaholic...he had two masters and was pursuing his doctorate.  We had great but very sparse conversations and then he flew out to see me but worked the whole time.  Once he returned home he immediately told me he didn't feel it would work because compared to him I was much too complacent in my career.  I explained to him I was comfortable where I was because it gave me the freedom and flexibility to be there for my daughter and he told me that was an excuse.  Needless to say I was very offended.  My daughter also accurately pointed out that he was very critical and judgmental like my ex.  We stopped talking but then he reached out again wanting to give it another chance but he didn't devote any time to it so I blocked him.  I saw him again months later at a national event and we were still cordial.

 

Where's Waldo? (aka All the Dating Platforms I've Tried)

Sooo I know it's been over a year since the last time I posted and I am trying to figure out the best way to catch everyone up to speed on what my dating life has consisted of in that year.


I may need to ask my friends/coworkers at this point because they've come to look forward to me recounting the stories of my dating woes. It is a source of entertainment for all who know me.


From one of my coworkers (who recently got married, yayy!!!) I learned the terms for breaking communication with someone you are no longer interested in. Apparently this is called either "fading" if you do it gradually or "ghosting" if you just never talk to them again. He recommended ghosting anyone that you think is crazy since there is no easy way to break it to them.





Also, I'm not the only one with all these bad date experiences. I have single friends in several other major cities and it's almost like we all meet the same types of guys...and, even funnier...a local radio station now does a segment called "Dee Dee's Date Fails" where people who are ghosted after what they consider to be good dates call in...the radio hosts call the other person to find out why they didn't call back and the responses are hilarious...one guy didn't call a woman back because even though they went to dinner and a movie she had snacks in her purse that she kept eating, another guy didn't call a lady back because she seemed nice enough but had shared that her husband and last two boyfriends had all died, one lady didn't call a guy back because he lied about his age, was much older than his pictures, came to lunch in a three piece pastel suite and kept talking about wanting to be her sugar daddy, and another lady didn't call a man back because he talked to her using baby talk during the whole date and even pinched her cheek (he got pissed, saying he was a pediatrician who made 300K a year and that's why he used baby talk).  I love that show!





Date Older, Much Older


Two other acquaintances recommended dating older, as one recently married a guy 15 years older and the other was dating someone 20 years older. I feel like dating older is a good strategy for women since men usually prefer younger women.  But I brought dating much older at a team meeting and my manager told me he thought that was bad advice. In the same meeting someone starting playing a video of Darth Vader breathing through his mask...I said ewww, what is that???? My manager said with a serious face, "That's your older guy breathing through his oxygen mask." At that point I agreed with him that maybe dating older wasn't the best advice.





So How Do I Feel After Dating this Long?


In the meantime I still feel like the best way to meet someone is in person or through mutual acquaintances because online dating is NOT for the faint of heart.  However, the people who know me say they don't know anyone they feel is my type, or they don't know anyone good enough...I take that as a compliment but still, I don't know how accurate their assessments are since I don't get to meet anyone as a result...so I wonder...or at least I did until the mutual acquaintance story I relay below. Now I take their word for it LOL  I also made an effort to go out more, whether to clubs, holiday parties, Comic Con, singles events, etc. I had a lot of fun and some of the experiences are detailed below. 


One of my coworkers remarked that I must be pretty tired, frustrated or discouraged and I told him not at all. For me this has been more entertainment and a study in human behavior. But this is where I noticed I may be different from other people. Online dating gives way to the misconception that there are so many "matches" for us...I don't feel that way at all...I feel we are all very unique individuals and it will be difficult to find someone who is truly a match. The good thing about that is we will finally appreciate finding the "one" when it happens. In the meantime I am happily single.


I am also naturally analytical and a problem solver and I see dating as one big problem...I'm really enjoying trying to figure out how to do it right, not just for myself, but for everyone!


The other problem with online dating is that everyone on there is looking for something...which seems silly, but the problem is often times it isn't love!  A lot of people are looking for help...others are looking for love but NEED help (mental, financial, etc.) I talked to so many people who just NEEDED to talk about something...I've had several men cry about failed marriages, lost children, things they had never talked about to anyone.  That actually spawned a business idea, a sort of online counseling and matchmaker service but I found I couldn't subject myself to other people's problems too much.  I estimate about 70% of the guys I meet in online dating are takers (looking for sex, finances, attention, etc.) and maybe 30% are givers, those who are ready to actually give love rather than just looking to take it...I separate the givers into two more categories, 10% protector/providers (which are the more assertive guys most women are attracted to) and 20% supporter/nurturers (which are the less assertive guys). 




I should start by saying I've now tried many major (and some minor) dating platforms, to include:







Dating Platforms I've Tried
Facebook Singles Groups


This by far, is my preferred way to meet men...it's free (so there isn't the stress of trying to get a return on your investment), Facebook profiles give you more of a glimpse into who the person is (less fake profiles) and being a member of the groups allows you to see how the person interacts in them...the biggest benefit has also been that I also get to see the female side of things...I'll never forget I was appalled at the number of unsolicited dick pics I got in online dating...but I kept asking the men why they sent them and they said women asked for them upfront so they wouldn't be wasting their time with someone too small (ouch!).  I was sure these women didn't exist but when I got in the groups, I realized...they DO exist!  LOL


Not that it isn't without its flaws though...I'll have to write a post just on the characters I've met (men AND women this time) in the groups as well...but overall it's been a fun, and definitely an educational, eye-opening, experience.


Match.com
Exchanged numbers with one African guy I met on here.  He was very arrogant (as I've found the African men I meet to be) and dismissive.  He was telling me all the reasons why something was wrong with my phone because we had a bad connection (even though I thought it might be his since I'd just gotten off mine).  I told him I'd missed some of what he said due to the connection and he said it didn't matter.  I asked him how his Match experience had been so far and he said it wasn't good because all the women just wanted to be whores and not wives.  Well...He lectured me about that a little more and then asked me what I did for a living and how much money I made and where I lived.  Once he seemed satisfied with my answers he asked me when we were going to meet.  We discussed meeting where he lived because he liked the area.  I told him I'd prefer to meet halfway since it was a first meet up and he told me there was nothing where I lived so I just needed to come to him.  He also asked if I'd spend the night and I told him that wasn't something I would since we don't even know each other.  He seemed to get irritated but then he told me to delete my Match account since we'd connected.  I told him I didn't think that was a good idea and he got upset and asked if I just wanted to keep whoring around too.  I said no but explained that I wasn't sure if he and I would be together.  He wasn't happy about this at all so he told me to keep whoring then and hung up.  LOL


SingleParentMeet.com
I don't think I met anyone on here since all the users were the same as on Match. 


IQElite.com


Very few users in my area...exchanged messages with and briefly spoke to one guy who was seriously overweight but who also worked in Technology (he was working on the Google Fi project) and had two young children...there were a couple of good conversations and there seemed to be some compatibility but it faded as these things often do in my experience. He did seem to be really busy...

EHarmony.com


Crazy Crying Cop


I already chronicled several of my mishaps here...perhaps another honorable mention would be the one I deem the "crazy crying cop". The guy seemed to be desperate to recoup the money he had been sinking into Eharmony...he kept saying we were definitely a "match" after some very preliminary conversation. He also kept sending really long text messages of...I don't know what, really...his hopes, dreams and others musings I guess...


However he refused to send me a recent photo, saying he didn't really take photos often...Against my better judgment I agreed to meet him...I asked him to pick a place midway between us so we could meet. He took this assignment rather seriously and when I reached out to him the next day he said he was still trying to decide where we should go because he knew he would be judged on every aspect from the choice to the food they served, etc. I was like "uh, it's not that serious, I actually was going to say Starbucks." He seemed appalled at the idea and said it was really important that he make a good first impression so he wanted to do more research. I told him if he didn't let me know the night before we were scheduled to meet then I wasn't coming.


 So, the night before he said he was still researching and told me he would let me know where we were meeting for lunch the next morning. I texted him the next morning that if he didn't have plan I wasn't coming...he texted me back that I should start driving and we could just meet halfway? I texted him no thanks and he sent me a barrage of text messages about...well I'm not even sure honestly...I called him instead and he declined the call.  He then texted me and said he was in church, and that he should get points for the fact he was in church???  I responded that he actually lost points for texting in church and he responded with, well, who knows...10 long text messages or so of I don't know what...I ignored them all and then he called to implore me to meet him even though he still didn't have a location...I refused and he began to beg...I got off the phone and he left me begging voicemails.  And more long text messages.  He also finally sent a recent photo of him at church, saying that he never took or sent photos but he did it just for me because we were meant to be????  He continued to beg me to call so I did to let him know I wasn't interested  and he started crying????  I apologized and hung up, and thankfully the texts, calls and voicemails stopped after a few days. 


Delightful.com (a Steve Harvey branded Match.com)


I started to feel like a lot of the dating sites were redundant...most of them are on the same platforms and I saw all the same users...I found Match/Delightful/SPM to yield slightly better results than PlentyofFish (I think the paid sites weed out some of the imposters and/or evildoers) but still didn't meet anyone I had a connection with.  I talked to a few guys that I thought were cool but they ghosted me!


I met one guy on Delightful who was a soldier...but didn't seem to work very much so I think he was in the Reserves? He was very charming but in a rush to be in a relationship...we talked a lot in a couple of days and finally decided to meet at a restaurant he chose.  He complained about the restaurant cost even though HE picked it...I told him I would have been just as happy at Wendy's especially if it meant he didn't complain the whole time.  After the meet it was full steam ahead for him and he quickly became pretty demanding, possessive and overbearing, questioning me constantly about where I went and who was there etc.  I told him never to call me again!

Tinder.com


So initially I wasn't a big fan of choosing partners based on just what they looked like but after reading the book Blink (Malcolm Gladwell) I realized there is validity in the first impressions (or snap judgments as the book deems them) that we make based on someone's looks...Tinder was a great way to make those snap judgments and then determine if they were accurate or not (and mine always were!). As far as my take on the app per se, it has a reputation for being a hook up app but if you can weed through those who are only looking for hook ups (often if you wait a couple of days to respond to their communication or take their phone numbers they will unmatch you).  Plus most importantly, it's easy and it's free! No more stressing over what your profile should say or not say...the only downside I'd say is that it's only loosely connected to Facebook so you can't view the person's full profile to determine they are who they say they are...


Take One and Pass it Along


Notable dates from here included one guy who seemed cool enough, but too nice and goofy for me (I'm not a very nice person and I'm pretty serious so I get annoyed with someone who jokes all the time). I listened to him talk about how his ex hated his sense of humor and his 140 lb dog but stayed with him because he was a "good guy with a good job" and I kept thinking um, yeah, I would probably be the same way. So after our lunch date I told him I wasn't interested but I wanted to hook him up with one of my friends. I did hook them up and they seemed to have a lot in common for a while but then I think he disappeared on her too.


If It Seems too Good to Be True


Met another guy who seemed intelligent with a great sense of humor. He was also pretty busy but we finally managed to meet...he showed up and was very handsome, well-dressed, funny, personable, respectful and intuitive, apparently...as soon as we were seated he said "What do you want to ask me?" I didn't understand what he meant but he said "I can tell...you look like you want to ask me something..."  I said "Wow, well I can wait until we order drinks at least."  So he told the waiter to bring him the strongest drink they had because I wanted to get the truth out of him...afterwards he asked me again, so I just asked "Aren't you married?"  He laughed and said, "Separated, but yes...how do you know?"  So we had a great convo about how most well put together men are 1. NOT single because there are women trying to catch them everywhere they go until they finally succumb to someone's charms and 2.  Just the fact that a man is well put together is often an indicator that a woman is behind it all....


He went on to try to explain that they were just still living together at the moment because of his daughter and blah blah blah blah and all the other things all the married men who've been separated since breakfast say :)  He was so cool and down to earth I considered trying to entertain it all, but luckily, for the first time since I've been dating in over a year, duty called to save me!  My daughter had gone to a party with a friend but they had dropped her off and she'd forgotten her key so I had to leave.  He was very concerned and understanding (of course, the married ones always are) so he asked if he could pay to have her Uber somewhere or to the restaurant where we were but I was like, nope, gotta go!

Hall of Famer
Met another guy on Tinder who was older and seemed really cool, but was really hesitant to tell me what he did for a living.  Eventually he told me after a couple of good conversations that he was a former NFL player.  I asked why a former NFL player would be on Tinder and he said his friends told him to try it.  We agreed to meet and I looked him up online at dinner and realized he was a really good player.  We had a good conversation about why he wasn't in the Hall of Fame (I told him he didn't kiss up to the right people and he agreed).  However, afterwards he asked me to come back to his house to play pool and I declined.  I told him there was a pool hall nearby so went there to play.  He beat me with no mercy, talking trash the whole way.  Good date, but I didn't really hear from him again until he called me at 2 am.   So I blocked him.


Plenty of Fish
I can recount online dating stories from here all day...matter of fact, I had a hard time even getting a guy to keep talking to me...I lost the last two as follows:


One Good Offense Deserves Another
Met a guy online that was very handsome, but only 30 with no kids so I had NO expectations...responded to him because he though because he seemed intelligent enough (he said he's a teacher) I asked him to send me recent photos (it's very common for people to use 10 year old photos, etc.) and he immediately sent a few that were rather suggestive, basically him naked but covering up the essentials...


I remarked that I was glad he covered up his "little friend"


and he said "I wish I had a little penis because they are easier to suck..."


My response was "How do you know? have you ever sucked one???" Long pause (we are texting, phone conversations don't often occur for a variety of reasons, namely that a lot of these guys are in relationships and can't sweet talk you in front of their significant others)


then he said "wow, excuse me, lol"


I said...I'm just saying, you have to ask these days...so have you been with a man?


His response "Are you asking me that again?"


So I said: LOL you never answered...just wondering...I dated a guy before who had


He said: Don't ask me that at all anymore. I have never done that a day in my life


Me: Damn, ok!


Him: Okay next topic


Me: LOL, calm down, killer


Him: No killer, that's just disgusting..


We texted a little longer after but he hasn't responded to me since...





And Another


Met another who seemed pretty stable, early 40's...2 kids, homeowner, lease operator for a different oil company than me so should have been making decent money...we actually talked on the phone and he joked a lot but I thought I could work with that....met him in person and he was one of those instant relationship types...wanted a hug and to hold hands and call me baby (gag)...Then we went to Chili's and he looked at and picked at people walking by the whole time during the conversation...constantly interrupting...frequent pauses to text...I said excuse me, and he said what? I'm texting my son, I'm not going to ignore my son for you!


 I was like, well you could at least say excuse me...our conversation continued and then suddenly he just picked up the phone and starting talking...I gave him a look and he said, what?? it's my mom! He showed me where the phone said mom and then he continued to converse...


I looked around a few times wondering if I was being punked...


Date ended well enough...and when I got home he texted to make sure I made it ok (which rarely happens these days, so that won him points). I was debating on whether or not to continue to deal with him since it seemed maybe he was just a little rough around the edges...so we were texting and he asked:


him: may I have some pictures of you?


me: what kind of request is that???


him: Oh Lord, LOL Please


me: do you joke all the time?


him: I simply asked for some pictures of you. I like looking at you.


me: I'm not easily offended but I'm sure I would be annoyed by it pretty quick


him: Ok


I texted him a couple of more times and got one word responses then I called and he didn't answer and I haven't heard from him since...





The Fade Away


I met another guy that I texted with all day one day but he was supposed to call me that night and didn't...I called him instead and the phone number was a Google Voice number which is a really good indicator that he isn't who he says he is in my experience...and I never heard from him again...ghosted!





T.I. vs T.I.P


Other honorable mentions would include a guy who reminded me a LOT of rapper T.I. in both looks and mannerisms. He was a Navy veteran and very intelligent and respectful. He was actually the first person to tell me about HAARP, a Navy research program that is rumored to have been used to control the weather and negative buoyancy as a reason why black people (myself included) try to swim but can't! (My swim instructor told me my butt was too big so I liked his explanation better).  He was funny but also very street smart...and possibly engaged in activities I'd rather not be privy to...I had to come up with a safe word for some of the convos he would have that I deemed unsafe so I figured I should stop talking to him just in case his calls were being monitored LOL It's too bad though, whenever the subject of interracial dating comes up I think of him.  He said he only dated black women even though they gave him headaches so whenever we talked about something he didn't like about black women all he would do is shake his head and say "I love my headaches" LOL.





That's My Best Friend


Another would be a guy I met when I was getting ready to fly to Chicago who seemed cool but also seemed to be in love with his "best friend". We went out to a nice restaurant once I got there but spent most of our first date talking about her (he mentioned another lady saying that it sounded like they should just be together) and I was like, yeah, that's accurate. He cancelled our second date because she needed him so when he contacted me again I told him I wasn't interested and he seemed confused? I told him the other lady was right that he should just marry his best friend.





Most Fun Non-Match Ever!


Oh and before I forget, I ventured back into the Vanilla side AND the older side at the same time.  An older white man (early to mid-50's I think to my 34)  reached out to me.  We had a lot in common as we were both ex-Army so after a few good conversations we agreed to meet (with minimal trepidation on my part).  We agreed to meet in his home town which is North West of Fort Worth.  One of my friends described it to me AFTER this encounter as one of the whitest, most racist areas in Texas (and she knows because her husband is from there..) but I didn't know that going in so I agreed to meet my date at the town Starbucks. 





We arrived at the same time, ordered and started conversing but suddenly a parade of women started to trickle into Starbucks...EVERY ONE of them stopped by our table to speak to him and most of them didn't order anything.  The most interesting part was their reactions to me...many of them ignored me entirely.  Others spoke, but the expression on their faces made it evident that they didn't really want to.  An elderly lady walked in and I certainly didn't expect her to speak (in the back of my mind I figured she'd probably personally owned slaves) but she actually turned out to the be the friendliest.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I was even more amused by the way my date handled the whole encounter.  He apologized profusely in between guests, and deftly handled their slights and snubs...he introduced me every time (which I got really tired of nodding, smiling and shaking hands though few were offered).  If they ignored me then he ignored them.  Nice!  (Side note: I have no idea why my vocabulary includes words like deftly...one of the pleasant side effects of being an avid reader I guess). 





He seemed genuinely puzzled by the fanfare, saying he had no idea how they all knew he was here or why they all stopped by.  But I gleaned from some of their conversations that apparently he was one of the town's most eligible bachelors, having coming from a well-to-do family...he had a house and several acres of land on the lake, and a boat...the elderly lady also informed me that he used to be the editor of the town paper.  Couple that with the fact that he had a pretty unique powder blue truck (I've certainly never seen one like it) parked outside, and there you have it! Instant parade of the town's most eligible women stopping by.  Once the parade stopped we attempted to start a conversation again but we were constantly interrupted by yet another lady who was sitting at the next table.  After she butted in for the third time I invited her to come sit with us.  She readily accepted, all the while apologizing...she'd "overheard" (meaning she'd been listening intently the whole time, I'd watched her...) us mention being veterans and she  used to be a nurse at the VA hospital and loved working with veterans. 





She thanked us both for our service but then proceeded to try to find out exactly why we were there together.  We smiled at each other as we evaded the question.  She seemed to be a little put off, and then decided on another plan of action...to exclude me from the conversation!  She began to talk about the fact that she knew him, and his whole family (she was only slightly deterred by the fact that he said he didn't know her).  She tried to get him to recall times at a watering hole when they were kids and he said he didn't know how to swim...he would then loop me back into the conversation.  She changed the subject to traveling as she was a traveling nurse and said something to me to the effect of "you probably wouldn't know anything about that..."  He was like, no, actually, didn't you just get back from Houston?"  So I told them a little about my last business trip...she seemed a little frustrated but then changed the subject to international travel to which he replied to me..."So tell me more about Dubai, I've never been there!"  I then changed the subject to how important it is to stay fit when you are single and still on the market....it was fun to show her how well versed, well rounded, and, well "well-rounded" I am...to which he agreed and she was upset...I guess she didn't expect such a formidable opponent in me!



So it was a lot of fun thwarting her attempts to one-up me with his help.  But finally we all got tired of the game, and he and I said our goodbyes to her.  He apologized more once we got outside but I told him not to, because it was the most fun I'd had on a date in a while!  We hugged, and I told him it was nice but I didn't want to get lynched so I didn't think we should date and that I also needed to hurry and get out of the town before dark!  We laughed, hugged and never spoke to each other again...good times!

Close but no Cigar (or Threesome)
I was beginning to think I would never find a decent date but I finally met a guy who seemed promising.  He was handsome, intelligent, sane, employed and only had one adult child so I was super excited and luckily so was he!  We had some great dates and long conversations ALTHOUGH...he told me rather early on that 1) he had just gotten out of  a long relationship (and so had I so I thought that was even better) but 2)he wanted a baby like ASAP and 3)He strongly preferred a bisexual woman...I let him know that I'd consider having a baby after marriage and I wasn't bisexual but he didn't make a big deal of it at the time.  We had some great conversations and again lots of commonalities in our experiences with our exes but he didn't reveal until later on (we dated for a few months) that he was still supporting his ex financially.  At this point, I respected his honesty and continued to deal with him but then he also reminded me that again, he preferred a bisexual woman.  At that point I felt it was time to have a conversation about it and he let me know that 1. his ex was bisexual and that they frequently engaged with one of his female friends (and he later revealed that the friend was married and her husband didn't know she was doing this) and 2. he had already sent some of my photos to said female friend and she wanted to meet me...um...I was more than a little offended because to me it seemed like transference...like he was literally trying to get me to fill the exact position his ex left even though I wasn't comfortable with the threesome idea, the baby requirement, and certainly not the threesome and baby requirement.  I could barely reconcile wanting either/or right away, and certainly not both.  The whole recycling and reusing the woman he and his ex had been involved with also seemed extremely disrespectful, distasteful and tacky to me.  He apologized and told me it wasn't something that he had to have, and that he frequently "sacrificed his own happiness and satisfaction for the sake of his partner."  I told him I felt he should just go find a woman who could give him those things but he insisted we could work it out so we continued to date.  Ironically I called my sister to share this interesting dating story with her but before I could she told me she met a guy who was great but had let her know he was polyamorous and wanted to bring another woman into their relationship...I told her I was glad it wasn't just me!  My guy also continued to express his desire to have a child and I couldn't understand the urgency but he finally confessed that his son had been born when he and his girlfriend were very young so her parents had raised him as their own.  He seemed to have a lot of anger and resentment about it so that was another thing that gave me pause.  One day he wanted to look at houses near my neighborhood (I did admire that he really seemed to be actively considering us having a future together) so I met him at a Starbucks, left my car and rode with him to see the neighborhood near me.  Well good old fate and Texas weather intervened...the clear blue sky suddenly darkened and it starting raining out of nowhere.  As we got closer to our destination it started to hail...he was concerned about his car and looked for shelter...I figured the hail would pass quickly but nope! It started to hail harder...we both flinched as huge hail pieces hit the windshield and he turned to me and said Don't you live somewhere near here?  I said So!  I  panicked at the idea of taking him to my house and having him possibly meet my daughter even though I had a good idea that things wouldn't work out.  But as the hail continued I had to quickly weigh the possibly of him meeting my daughter against having a face full of glass so I gave him directions to my house.  I told him I wanted him to stay in the garage and I went inside to explain to my daughter what happened...she reminded me that I had taught her good manners so she didn't think it was a right to leave the poor man in the garage.  She agreed to stay in her room if I brought him inside.  Of course as soon as he was seated in the living room she "needed" to go to the kitchen.  She met him and they had a brief conversation before she went back to her room.  He and I watched Chris Rock's movie Top 5 because it was still hailing and he remarked that he felt it was fate telling us we should be together since I never let anyone meet my daughter.  After the movie he took me to get my car and we went our separate ways.  However, when I got home I asked my daughter what she thought of him and learned something really interesting...she is just as good at reading people as her mommy...she thought he was a little too anxious, and immature (he'd revealed to her that he reads teen fiction books I think?).  I'd come to the same conclusions from him pressuring me about babies and threesomes, and funny enough from the fact that he played games on his phone all the time.  We continued to date but I called it quits after an incident with a friendly waitress where he cautioned me not to flirt with women in front of a man who wants a bisexual woman.  We stopped talking, and then we tried again but I came to the same conclusions.  Close, but no threesomes, babies OR cigar!
Younger Man
So most of my dates were my age or older.  This guy sent me a message and was a couple of years younger but he seemed cool.  We exchanged some great messages then talked on the phone.  He seemed very intelligent and had very traditional values.  But then he told me he worked in the music industry and traveled a lot.  We went out for one really good first date although there were some flags.  He had a nice car but it was horribly maintained (all the lights on, CV joints making noise).  I was also dressed really nice (for the restaurant he chose) but he was kind of bummy...I mentioned that and he said it was because he traveled a lot and didn't have time to do laundry.  Other than that he was very traditional...for example he insisted on driving close to me for the date instead of having me meet him halfway.  We had a great date and great conversation but then I didn't hear from him much after that.  I nicknamed him Ghost as a result. The more that I tried to deal with him also the more I realized that he was pretty immature (and of course dating a lot of other women) so I finally blocked him.
And the Diagnosis is...
Met a guy who seemed to have a great sense of humor online.  We exchanged numbers and exchanged great texts all day.  I was really looking forward to speaking to him but when he finally called I wondered if I'd fallen for a bait and switch.  His voice was rather flat and emotionless.  He delivered a couple of the jokes that way.  He also came off as very rude...he went off on a tangent on some pretty random subjects and he kept talking over me and interrupting me whenever I tried to speak.  I finally said something about it to him and he said it was because he had Asperger's.  We had a conversation about what that meant and then I asked him how it played out in previous relationships.  He described what I was already sensing, which was that he came across as rude and unconcerned.  I tried to make it through the conversation but it was a struggle so I let him know I wasn't interested anymore.  I researched Asperger's after that and decided I definitely wasn't interested!
Cerebral Connection
I met another guy who lived in Oklahoma and we actually had lots of great conversation as he was really intelligent.  He was also available a lot because he did home health care.  I liked the fact that he was so responsive if I called or texted him, literally day or night.  However he was also pretty arrogant and felt pretty entitled.  He explained that he didn't have a lot of money because of his job and the fact he was in school but he felt I should come visit him...I did once and the visit was fun, but he expected me to continue to come visit him with no effort on his part.  He also wasn't open to relocation to TX and I didn't want to relocate to OK.  He later revealed that even though he said he was divorced he was actually just separated and also didn't want to get married again.  As much I enjoyed the conversation I eventually stopped talking to him as it didn't seem like it would lead anywhere.
Serial Killer Much?
I met a guy who was my age  but who didn't seem to be much for phone conversation.  He seemed nice so I agreed we should meet.  Then he randomly called me one day and said he was in Fort Worth (he lives in Dallas and I live in Fort Worth) and that we should meet.  I let him know I was busy (grocery shopping) and he repeated "But I'm in Fort Worth..."  Ok....I said I wished he had let me know sooner and he said "But I thought you wanted to meet me."  I was like "I thought we were going to plan to meet somewhere."  His response was "But I'm in Fort Worth."  Sooo against my better judgment I agreed to meet him but he didn't seem to know where he was?  After having him give me the names of exits (he didn't know what highway he was on?) I figured out where he was and directed him to a location that was midway between us.  There was a lot of confusion for him about how to get to the location we agreed on and I think he wasn't very familiar with how to use his GPS? so I ended up giving him turn by turn directions.  We got there and he seemed very smug.  He had this creepy little smile on his face the whole time that just made my skin crawl.  Before the conversation started he said to me "I like your face."  HUH???  I was like um, thanks?  He said "No, I really do....your face is like candy."  Ok....I thanked him again and tried to start a conversation but he asked "Are those your real eyes?" I said yes and he said "So they aren't contacts?" I said no and he said "So your eyes are actually that color?"  I was like um, you know you've asked me the same question several different ways right? These are the eyes I was born with, they are this color..."    He was rude to our waitress and I wasn't sure why and the way he dissected my facial features made me a little uncomfortable but I pressed on.  I started executing my exit strategy (he was religious and I wasn't plus he wanted a child and I could go either way).  I told him I wasn't very religious so I didn't think we were a good fit since he was an avid churchgoer and he said "that doesn't matter." Ok....I tried to explain that it did since he'd even told me on the phone that he wanted to work in ministry.  He said "I don't have to..."  Ok...I was like "oh well I was under the impression that your faith was a big part of your life..."  He said it is...I was a bad, bad person before I started going to church..."  I was like "Really? How so?"  He said he couldn't tell me...ok...so I stopped trying to make conversation and we just kind of sat with this awkward silence.  Luckily our food came and I continued to make conversation attempts as we ate.  Towards the end he mentioned wanting to see me again so I let him know that I didn't think we were a match but that it was nice meeting him.  He appeared to throw some sort of tantrum (the word petulant came to mind) and then he said ok.  I let him know I would take care of the check and then we left.  On the way out the door he mentioned to me that he liked my toes...I asked "Do you mean the polish? It's French tips."  He said "No, your toes..."  So I said thanks but in my mind I'm wondering if admiring individual body parts indicates cannibalism or something...like seriously, what would Jeffrey Dahmer do?  I didn't hear from him anymore that week but the following weekend he sent me a text that said we should go see a movie.  I responded letting him know that I didn't think we were a good fit so I wouldn't be able to stay in touch and he sent me this long threatening text saying I needed to stop over analyzing things and that he'd better see me at the theater or else?  Huh?  So of course I sent it to all my friends (but of course no one has it so I can post it).  I wasn't even sure how to respond for a second.  But I responded letting him know that I take threats very seriously and that I wouldn't hesitate to report him to the police.  I also let him know that I knew where he worked (courtesy of LinkedIn) and where he lived (property records search).  So thankfully I never heard from him again.


Single and Settled
I met another guy who was intelligent and had a quirky sense of humor.  He told me that for a living he fixed the wheels on shopping carts at Walmart and he was so serious about it that by the time we met for a first date I thought that was what he really did.  He was also pretty sarcastic and also a little rude (as most of the intelligent men I met seemed to be).  He was also an Army veteran like me.  We met for a lunch date and it went well enough...but afterwards he didn't really seem to be interested in a second date, only conversation.  He frequently asked me what I was doing and where I was going.  He said I was "always in the streets" and not settled like them (them being him and his dog).  I did enjoy conversing with him about work and even parenting but his interactions became more and more sporadic so I just wrote him off as someone who wasn't interested. But one day he called me out of the blue and tried to explain that he enjoyed my company but had given up on dating.  He said he wished he had met me earlier and that said he would make more of an effort to express his interest.  But he didn't.  After a few more very sporadic and random calls I just blocked him.


#8 from Venturing into the Online Dating Pond
I just realized I never provided an update on this guy that I described as "Easy like Sunday morning" in my first post about guys I met on POF.  He was nice, respectful, and a single parent like me so we dated for several months.  However he insisted on paying for all the dates during that time.  Soon he began to complain about money issues but wanted to continue dating.  He also never had any car maintenance done to his car(which is a pet peeve of mine that I can't seem to shake) so I never rode with him for fear or breaking down.  The combination of him spending all his money dating me and the fact that he didn't believe in car repairs led to him getting a blow out tire with his children in the car.  He talked to me about trying to find a cheap used tire and I protested and even offered to pay for one.  He refused, saying his upbringing wouldn't allow him to accept money from me (I hear that in Texas a lot) and he still wanted to go out the following weekend.  I agreed to go out with him against my better judgment and he got another blow out on the way to the restaurant.  I asked if he wanted to wait for AAA or if I could take him to go get another tire but he wanted to go on the date instead so I picked him up.  We got in a slight argument over the check and then I took him back to his car.  It was raining and he asked me to wait in my car while he attempted to change the tire to no avail.  I got out and helped him (which is a now infamous and often embellished story amongst my coworkers that even lead to my manager telling me to run away from any guy who can't change a tire).  After we got the spare on I got back in my car only to discover I couldn't find my phone.  Turns out I dropped it in a puddle when I got out of the car and there is sat for 20 minutes or so...it still worked after I tried a rice trick I found on the internet but it was a little buggy so I had to pay to get a new one.  I stopped dating the guy after that since I felt like choosing to date him was literally putting him and his children in danger.





SeekingArrangement.com


In a desperate attempt to find intelligent men that weren't looking for money from ME (and also curiosity about this type of site) I joined  briefly....after weeding through the married guys and again the hook ups I got a LONG copy paste message from one curious older fella who reminded me of my grandmother LOL...the encounter was soooo funny that I typed up a lot of the details and sent them to one of my friends...but it ended pretty abruptly when he sent me a picture of his naked butt?  I figured it was for the wrong recipient but he texted me "look at that nice, tight ass...that's not the ass of a 50 year old!"  Hmmm, I was like, I've never received an ass shot before as a woman, was this meant for a man?  He went off on me and that was the end of that!
Everything he says is a quote (mostly from his big daddy or big mama), him telling one of his long stories or someone elses' or him reciting something including his long message/profile about me or even a poem about his sexuality and sensuality entitled "Daddy's Thug Passion"


He said a man needs to know that a woman comes through her mind not her behind. A smart woman will also talk to a man in order to assess his talent, tools and tenacity before getting involved with him. He also said never believe a man who says I can show you better than I can tell you...if he can't tell you in detail what he can do then he doesn't know what he's doing.


He also said there are two things that make him harder than times were in 1929...a hot juicy pussy and a whole lot of money...said he went to pick up a 773K cashier's check for a customer home he will build and he had to hurry and put it in his briefcase because it was making him hard in front of the client's mother...





He also hates making beds so he sleeps in a 7K massaging recliner at his house even though he has a maid (Maria, of course) who comes on Fridays and thinks the dog is crazy because every time she puts his toys away he takes them back out...


He also said he doesn't stop licking, sucking or dicking until the kitty stops twitching...advice from his big daddy of course...he ends every call with "kisses, licks and sucks all over!"


I asked about other women and he said he left his wife because he didn't want an old woman and also gave me a long story about he had to marry her because he knocked her up but his parents weren't happy about it because they were well to do and she was poor and uneducated. Said she never worked while they were together because she only would have made minimum wage anyway...his mom has a folder on his Facebook page





Has three daughters, 2 of which are married, the third dating an African man for 10 years


On finding a woman he said it's just as hard for him as it is for me because he doesn't like dumb, uneducated, out of shape, bitter, etc. Said if he was only looking for sex that would be easy but he is looking for something long term which is hard.

He also talked about how he works out regularly and takes vitamins and herbs (one of which is horny goat weed, a natural viagra like supplement) . He then said he belongs to a gym for over 50+ and they let him join even though he isn't 50...I said but you are 50, at least according to the site...he said no i'm not, fuck 50...once you say you are 50 people automatically assume you are old and can't do shit...you are only as old as you feel and i'll be 49 forever!

A google search of some of his copy paste messages reveals he's on several sugardaddy sites...One of the other sites actually says he's 53....

He says there are only two types of men who won't give a woman money: a man with no money, and a man with no woman

Talks about how much he wants to buy me expensive shoes but says paying $5 for a cup of starbucks coffee is ridiculous...also says he has 8 sisters so he speaks woman fluently


Says you should always have a conversation with a man about sex to see if he knows what he's doing...he said one of his sisters married a man without talking to him about sex or having sex with him but was then disappointed because he either couldn't get it up or came quick so she was never satisfied...he told her to ask her husband if he would go down on her...he said he would and he told her to get some rose petals and some lingerie to seduce him...she said she had Victoria's Secret but he told her you get VS if you want class, but you have to go to Fredericks if you want ass...so she went to Fredericks and that night she asked her husband to do it so he said well let me get a towel first so i can wipe you off since you get so wet...so she got up, got her gun and told him to get out...she changed the locks the same night and filed for divorce the next day

Was supposed to meet him one day but he had to go to Houston that day last minute...anything over two hours he always flies first class...didn't know any of his flight details though...he said he also has a house and a truck and a car in Houston. I was never able to find any of his property records...I spoke to him in "Houston" until about 6, at which time he mentioned he had to go see a guy about business


Spoke to him again about 10 and he started talking about his dog and I asked, so the dog travels with you? He said no, I'm at home...I said I didn't know he was back in DFW and he said yes, because he has to travel to Barbados...


Asked when that flight leaves and he said whenever the bankers he is traveling with call him...then he travels to a private airport near my house to get on a private flight with them...yet yesterday I asked if he knew the north Fort Worth area (since he does real estate and specializes in custom homes of which there are a lot in my area) and he said no but that's what GPS is for


He mentioned his own 10,000 sq ft custom home is not completely furnished because he built it for his significant other without knowing who she is...said he saw many elements of celebrity homes and combined them to make it...I asked if there were photos online and he said no, you never want strangers to see where you stay which is why you meet people in agreed upon public places. (same reason when I asked if there were photos of his home on his Facebook). He also said he didn't want anyone to see it and say "Hey, that's Mariah Carey's closet"


He also said something to me and I was like isn't that a song lyric? So he admitted it was from Petey Pablo's song Freek A Leek which is "always playing in his ride"




Hinge.com


An app that is similar to Tinder...I wasn't on long because there weren't many people on it.





Soul Swipe

Another app similar to Tinder, except only for Black people.  Not very popular either.


 


In Person


Not So Charming Lying Married Guy
Ironically I was just approached by a nice looking guy near office who looked vaguely familiar.  He started talking and had a distinct accent...I asked where he was from and he said Ghana.  He asked if I remembered him and I said no...he told me he remembered me and was wondering where I was, etc.  I told him he was very nice looking and if I didn't remember him it was probably because he was married.  He said he wasn't married and never had been.  He asked if he could walk with me to pick up my lunch and I agreed...I asked him what he did for a living and when he told me I remembered where I knew him from.  I met him near my office a year ago and he'd seen me from across the street, crossed the street and talked to me before asking for my number.  One of my coworkers was with me and she said, he seems like a nice guy, would you date him?  I told her nope, because he's married.  She asked if he'd told me that, and I said nope, but he is....I explained the same rationale I mentioned here and she said But you can't ASSUME that, what if he's not?  So just to prove a point to her I texted him that it was nice meeting him but I wanted to know if he was married....he responded yes, but he was separated.  I asked if they still lived together and he said yes, but she travels a lot.  I thanked him for responding and told him I wasn't interested in anyone who was married.  He immediately responded with, what am I supposed to do then if I want to meet a nice woman??? Lie???  And I said to him, no, I think there are sites for that.  He said I don't have any luck on dating sites either and I texted him back...stop trying to pursue women who have standards.  I recounted all of this to him and he told me to have a nice day and walked away...LOL


Registered sex offender


Went to the club and met an older guy...he told me he'd been to jail before but wouldn't tell me why.  I appreciated that he was honest about that but he also told me he owned a business and also owned the club (though I'd already looked up and read the club owner's story before I came so I knew that wasn't accurate).  I guess he was just eager to impress as he also introduced me to one of his friends who was a retired NBA player.  HIs friend seemed really concerned about me and wondered how we knew each other and how long.   As I was saving his number he gave me his first name and then hesitated before giving me his last (which made me feel he was lying).  I Googled him and of course couldn't find anything under the name he gave me.  But luckily he was honest about being a business owner and I found the business information which had his real last name on it.  I Googled that and came up with several sexual assault convictions, one of which was very recent...he called me the next day and I ignored his phone call and texted him the mugshot info.  He called again and tried to explain that it wasn't his fault and ya ya ya...I was like I don't understand why you would lie about it if you already told me you went to jail and I accepted that...he was unapologetic, saying he just didn't want to be judged for it and I let him know I didn't care because I no longer wanted to talk to him.


Guy from grocery store with four children


This guy followed me around Sprouts for a little while (he said it was because I was on the phone so he didn't want to approach me).  We talked briefly and it took awhile to pull out of him that he had four kids (I can usually tell how many kids a guy has by the number of times they avoid answering the question).  We were supposed to meet for a dinner date (his idea) but then he called to say he wasn't hungry...I told him I was and he said he would just watch me eat (so money issues maybe?) I said ok but he stood me up...no call, no show...he called later that night apologizing, but with no real explanation...I told him I was no longer interested in anyone so inconsiderate.



The Vendor from Work


So all my coworkers know I'm single and they are beginning to realize through my bad date stories that it's not easy to find someone so they are always trying to help.  This tall dark and handsome guy was with a team of vendors that came to our office to try to sell us a new software solution.  I couldn't attend so they asked me to come to the conference room to meet him after his presentation was over because they'd somehow determined he was single during the meeting.  I met him and went back to my office and one of them called me and said he wanted my number.  They sent me a picture of his card and it was tough to connect with him the first couple of days because he was traveling for work.  Once we finally connected he called me almost every night, and boy could he talk.  Little input was needed from me and he wasn't happy with the things I had to say.  He said he doesn't date outside his race but most black women didn't like the fact that he is Atheist. He also said he only dates Black women who wear their real hair because he hates hair extensions.  He was very passionate about African history and was also appalled (and I think a little disgusted) that I don't know enough about it so he recommended several books that I needed to read to educate myself.  He also abhorred politics and wanted to move to Africa in five years.  He loved to debate and all his conversations were extremely passionate, almost too much...I also felt he was using me as a sounding board and wasn't considering the dating aspect at all.  I asked him about us meeting up and he told me about his strict 6 day workout schedule and how most women had the nerve to ask him if would cut back if they started dating.  I asked how he expected to date if he never made time for it and he said he wasn't changing for any woman.  One day his topic of choice was how much he hated white men for snatching us from our homes in Africa and enslaving us.  I agreed with him that slavery was a horrible atrocity but further along in the conversation I said, you do realize that many of the people who were sold for slavery were already slaves right? They had already been enslaved by other africans.  He said that wasn't true and I said do you really think it was that easy for people to come to africa who didn't know the language or the terrain to capture and shackle thousands of natives?  He said they had guns but I asked, do you know how primitive guns were then? How hard they were to load? Or how inaccurate they were? He still refused to believe me so I recommended a few resources for him on the subject.  And I never heard from him again! LOL


Separated Guy


This guy had been watching me for a while (we see each other in passing around downtown) and seemed really sweet but when we finally had a conversation he admitted he was separated.  I appreciated his honesty and agreed to go to dinner with him anyway and the conversation was ok but first of all he had ADD...he would get easily distracted by anything...like literally, a piece of cotton floating on the wind that he insisted was from a tree...I had to wait as he tried to recall the type of tree...when I asked him about ADD he admitted he'd been diagnosed but that he was doing well with various coping mechanisms...ultimately I turned the conversation to his marriage and he said he avoided conflict at all costs so he didn't want to ask for a divorce so I let him know I wasn't interested.  He called me a couple of times asking me to change my mind, and also telling me that he never really had a reason to get a divorce before now but I didn't reply.


Charming Married Lying Guy


I met another guy who stopped and asked me for directions downtown where I work...I showed him where he needed to go and he asked that we exchange numbers...I said, no because you're married and he feigned surprise...he asked why I thought that and I explained (same rationale I explained to If it Seems too Good to be True above) and he insisted he was recently divorced.  I agreed to go to dinner with him and just like the last guy he was extremely considerate and polite.  As soon as we sat down he asked me if I needed to get back to my daughter, and also if I wanted to order something to-go for her (cue, the Awwwww, that's so sweet).  So we had a great convo.  He was intelligent, great sense of humor, etc.  We exchanged a couple of bad date stories and he seemed appalled at all the men who are "aren't real men and don't pay for first dates, etc.) But I did what I always do and asked a couple of random questions that led to him admitting by accident that he wasn't divorced.  I asked why his marriage ended and cue the victim personality...he gave her everything and she was ungrateful...he ended his sob story with he'd seen her recently at his daughter's graduation and they didn't even speak to each other. He went into how it felt like he was divorced and I thanked him for his time.  Not to be outdone he said he felt we should be friends and asked me to accompany him to a golf tournament...I told him I'd consider and he followed up after our date and was very attentive...but he also asked me if I'd pick him up and drive to the golf tournament?  I told him I didn't mind but I thought it was odd coming from someone who claimed to be a "man's man" who would "always lead and provide" as he'd said.  He got annoyed and said he didn't think it was a big deal...I said it wasn't but I just wanted to know why...he said he got used to being driven around when he used to be a car salesman ten years ago?  Uh, that sounded like another lie to me so I let him know I wasn't interested.  He continued to check up on me, and tell me he missed me, etc. but I wasn't falling for it!!!!!
Guys in the Club
So I went to a nightclub here in Fort Worth called Club Ice.  One of my friends later described it as a country pimp daddy hang out spot and I have to agree that was pretty accurate.   I exchanged numbers with the two guys who approached me.  There was a third who seemed shy so I considered approaching him but I later realized he knew of the first two guys so I didn't.  I figured that's probably on some list somewhere of dating faux pas.  I spoke to the first one the next day...I think he texted me after the club but I ignored it because I wanted to make sure he wasn't expecting some after the club hook-up. I managed to drag it out of him that there was a woman who "thought she was his girlfriend" in his life.  The second one also admitted to having a girlfriend and I ended up giving both of them relationship advice.  Both were upset that I didn't want to continue being friends and the second one also asked if he could give my number to the third I'd seen in the club since that guy was actually single.  (The experience lends credibility to another one of my theories, which is that the predators with agendas always approach you while the good guys sit back).  So I talked to the third guy and he seemed simple but nice enough.  We agreed to meet but he worked second shift at a hotel so after a few days I reluctantly agreed to drop by his job so we could speak in person.  That also went well enough...he showed me around and introduced me to his coworkers as his new friend.  He also told me about how he'd gone to prison for drug charges and he was fortunate that someone helped him to get the job at the hotel once he got out.  However the conversation got interesting when he randomly asked me if I was on any medications.  I said no, why and he said that was a way to tell if someone was crazy or had a disease...I was like it is?  He said yes, I don't have any diseases, no high blood pressure or anything and I want someone who is the same.  I said ok, if I tell you I'm taking sertraline what does that mean to you?  He asked what is that? and I said isn't that for you to find out?  He said I don't how to spell it and I said that's my point....I was like also don't you feel like some women would just lie if you ask them that on a first date?  He seemed to think about it for a moment and then he regarded me pretty suspiciously after that and needless to say I never heard from him again. 





Mutual Acquaintance


This guy used to work at the same place as me and I met him very briefly. One of my well-meaning team members decided to hook us up when I was asking them to and uh yeah, the guy was depressed, talked too much, had four kids and a whole lot of baby mama drama. He called me a LOT in that first week just to vent about  his job, his kids, everything...I quickly began to dread his calls and had to cancel our first date...I let him know I was NOT interested and now when people say they don't know anyone they can hook me up with I BELIEVE them!





Speed Dating


Tried an event in Dallas that was cool enough...had a couple of funny conversations with a salesman (about the best dating apps, he recommended one for women called Bumble), a great convo about work with a pretty socially awkward guy in the same industry as me, and of course the convo with the one black guy who took me through all his struggles (from losing his job, to moving, to his mother getting sick, to his mother dying, to him relocating to the area, to not being able to find a job, to him delivering furniture, etc.)  He even cried in the middle...I didn't have tissues so I didn't know what to do except RUN when it was over...he found me outside after to get my number and I told him I was actually dating someone but just wanted to see what speed dating was about...


Sci-Fi Speed Dating


I attended Dallas Fan Dayz (formerly Comicon) as Storm (Classic, from the comic books) and had a great time looking at all the costumes.  I took lots of pictures and jumped at the chance to do Sci-Fi speed dating.  Most of the guys weren't in costume, and most of them were from out of town...had a great convo with a very handsome blonde Army soldier who was stationed about an hour and a half away (I promised a friend I'd go on a date with another white man) so I got his number and he got mine (and every other woman's at the event), also exchanged numbers with an older white guy who turned out to be from Florida even thought he said he was local...and exchanged numbers with a very handsome and funny Asian guy (all the women gave him their numbers)...and surprisingly, exchanged numbers with the one awkward  black guy who worked in technology and spent the whole time explaining the details of Storm's divorce from another character, Black Panther.  I never heard from the soldier or the Asian even though I texted both of them...I only had one convo with the Florida guy and got the idea he was looking for a hookup and I had two awkward conversations with the black tech guy...I asked if he wanted to meet and he said yes...I told him to let me know when and never heard from him again.


Church Singles Group


Another friend suggested the singles group at her church which is very close to our (majority white) neighborhood).  There were a ton of single white and Hispanic women, one other black woman and 2 older white and one Mexican guy...they all seemed cool enough but also very close...it was a great Bible study type meeting but I left wondering why didn't they all just date each other.  The women seemed very protective of the few men.


Valet


So I went to a coffee shop downtown one morning and there was a guy from a nearby valet parking garage ordering a ton of drinks...I asked what they were and he'd come up with some mixture and named it after himself.  I said it seemed too sweet but he still asked the barista to make another for me and charge him for it...well I ordered my usual too (caramel macchiato) but I thought that was sweet of him and thanked him.  It was too sweet but I added lots of black coffee and managed to get through it.  So I saw him weeks later and couldn't remember where I knew him from but then remembered.  We had a pleasant chat and he seemed to have very traditional values so when he asked for my number I thought why not?  We exchanged numbers and talked often but he seemed to be a little familiar with the streets as well...he'd been to prison for drug charges which was fine, but just like T.I. vs T.I.P above, some of his conversations lead me to question whether he was reformed as he said he was.  He claimed to manage the valet garage but also listed a series of other random odd jobs that he did as well...

I was at the convention center one day after work for my daughter's dance competition and he called and asked to come by and say hi before I left.  So of course some of my daughter's friends and the other parents saw him and wanted to know who he was LOL.  We sat outside and talked about downtown and I mentioned that I wanted to do a Segway tour one day...he said, well you're in luck, I give Segway tours!  Sheesh, I don't know how many odd jobs this guy does!  But we walked around the corner to the Segway tour office and we went inside where he gave me a quick lesson on how to ride and then we did a really fun Segway tour around downtown Fort Worth.  But afterwards I had to let him know that he was very different than the corporate types that I'm used to (nice save, I'm patting myself on the back for it).  He was very sad but said he understood.

One Good Turn Deserves Another Selfie?
So I gave one of my Tinder dates to a friend (in Take One and Pass it Along above) so she decided to introduce me to one of her male friends.  Guy was my age, good job, nice looking, nice car, but very immature and eager.  The three of us went out for drinks together and had fun though.   He had been single for years and knew about all the popular clubs and events in the area.  He was also on all social media and in a ton of Facebook singles and social groups.  We exchanged numbers and attempted to date but it quickly went awry.  He would text me randomly (no greeting) or send me multiple selfies of his face and chest.  (I'd caught him taking a couple when we went out for drinks together).  He also asked me to meet him a couple of times and showed up either late or not at all.  Then to top things off he decided to stop talking to the friend who introduced us saying that she was talking about me behind my back to him? They both made me feel like I was back in high school again.  But he seemed like someone that would be cool if he ever matured.  When we actually did get a chance to talk I found him to be very intelligent but he was so random, disrespectful and unreliable.  He also didn't really seem to be interested in dating, just interested in all the attention he was getting so eventually I blocked him.


Referral or Threesome?
I guess it's worth mentioning that I also get hit on by women a lot too.  I've been propositioned by women and also invited to join a couple of them with their husbands.  One lady stopped me near my job and introduced herself.  She said she was interested in working for my company and needed help.  I referred her and she got an interview though she didn't get the job.  Afterwards we stayed in touch because she thought I was smart and would call me for relationship advice.  Soon she and her boyfriend got married.  I asked her what she wanted as a wedding gift and she wanted me to pay for the stripper so I did.  I left the bachelorette party early but her sister told me the next day at the wedding that the bride's mom told the groom that the bride did something inappropriate with the stripper so they almost didn't get married!  I didn't really stay in touch with her after that but then months later she texted me...she seemed a little upset that I hadn't stayed in touch and said she needed me to make more of an effort to do so?  I told her I probably wouldn't and she was undeterred, she texted me the next day and the next.  I was starting to wonder what she wanted and finally she texted me that she told her husband she wanted a threesome for her birthday and since I was single and they thought I was attractive they agreed to do it with me....I didn't know that being single automatically qualified me for such activities.  I declined and she asked if she'd offended me.  I told her I wasn't offended and she asked me why I wasn't interested....I told her I wasn't into women or their husbands?  So she stopped contacting me after that.

Press, Curl and Girl?
I also got a random text one day from a stylist who did my hair occasionally asking me if I knew what polyamory was.  I responded yes and she asked me if I had ever considered entering into a poly relationship and I said no.  She went on to explain that she and her husband were looking for a girlfriend and she wanted to know if I'd like to discuss it with them over drinks one night.  I declined and she asked me to let her know if I changed my mind.  Well, I didn't so she followed up a couple of weeks later to explain the benefits to me?  I told her I wasn't interested because I am more traditional, I'm not attracted to women and  I don't like to share!  She countered that I should still try it because you never know...I told her one thing I did know was that when I'm into a man they tend to forget about everything and everyone else.  So I asked her if she would be upset if her husband decided to leave her for me once we were all together.  Turns out, that was how she GOT her husband (she was invited into a relationship he was in with someone else and he left that lady for her).  I guess that made her change her mind about me but she did text me to let me know they had found someone although she wished it was me.