This list of indicators and possible red flags is really the reason why I started the blog. I put my list on the board in my office and was very fortunate to have all my coworkers weigh in and provide their input. I tried to make the list gender neutral because my boss reminded me that women can exhibit these characteristics as well.
My whole team also suggested a few things that I added.
I started the list while online dating. I do feel like you are more likely to encounter ill intentioned people online because it is easier for them to misrepresent themselves there. It is also easier to prey on people who are on a dating site because, after all, they are all LOOKING for someone or something. However, I've seen these indicators during in person encounters as well.
I like to slowly gather as much information about a potential suitor as possible. At a minimum I recommend getting at least a first and last name and Googling the person. If they aren't forthcoming about real or full names that is an indicator or red flag in itself. Also Google email addresses and phone numbers...the wealth of information that can be obtained on the internet is astounding.
** Please note, this is not a list of disqualifiers, just indicators...and of course, these are just my thoughts and opinions.
One of the most important contributions to this list was a reminder from one of my female coworkers to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...God gave women intuition for a reason...most of the time if we end up in a less ideal situation it's because we had an idea but we chose to ignore the warning signs.
Here are some of the ones I've now learned to pay attention to here:
1. Too emotionally attached or invested in you right away.
My experience is that if a person starts talking about entering in a relationship with you or taking care of you early on it is normally a con. They are trying to sell you the dream of a relationship but they don't have good intentions. They may either already have a relationship (which has been my experience) or it may even be a scam.
2. Indicates that they've told family/friends about you right away...and those family/friends endorse you wholeheartedly.
This indicator goes along with #1 and is used to further substantiate the "relationship" dream. I think it's odd or hasty to say that you told your mother/sister/brother/aunt/cousin/best friend that you feel someone you just met is "the one" after one or two conversations...but it's definitely a red flag if you say that EVERY one of those people agreed with your assessment based on the little info you were able to provide and said that "The person definitely sounds like the one," or "That is the person you should aggressively pursue..." or "The person sounds perfect for you..." Again either it's a lie or your whole family is naïve and/or not good judges of character if NO ONE warned you to give it time or get to know the person better first. Either way, proceed with caution...
3. Has multiple email addresses and phone numbers, especially phone numbers that are prepaid (like Tracfone, etc.) or app based (i.e. Skype, Google Voice or Text Now) instead of through major carriers.
Another indicator that someone may be misrepresenting themselves is if they have multiple email addresses or phone numbers. However, this is something that may not be easy to ascertain. And there are some valid reasons for having more than one: i.e. work vs. personal. But one possible indicator is that the phone number is not from a major carrier. Prepaid phones may or may not be a sign but app/internet based phone numbers usually indicate they are hiding something.
I learned to make sure at least one of my calls went to voicemail so I could find out who the carrier was.
4. Limited availability.
This one goes along with #3. Of course we all have to work or spend time with family, etc. but a lot of us are still able to text. Be wary of anyone who is just completely unavailable (or even has their phone off) at certain times. On another note, also be wary if someone can ONLY talk to you while they are at work, for example.
I started to learn to call during those hours and leave messages...a couple of times I even waited up so I could call in the middle of the night...needless to say I got several wife calls as a result.
4. Drives a flashy and expensive car versus a practical one.
This is an well known indicator...often flashier people who are always bragging about what they have are misrepresenting themselves and their status. Real wealth is usually a bit more understated and practical.
5. Prefers the latest and greatest iPhone or other technology versus Android, etc.
This is really an updated version of #4.
6. Rides sports bikes.
Sports biker riders are obviously thrill seekers. Depending on how they ride (and whether or not it would be considered wreckless) it can often be said that they also have little or no regard for consequences.
7. Views on church.
A person doesn't necessarily have to go to church. But it helps to get an idea of how they feel about the subject as well as their spirituality. For example my ex used to often say that he was the Devil and that was why he wouldn't go.
In the words of the great Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
8. Disapproves of all their friends actions.
I've found that this behavior is often hypocritical. After all, if you don't have anything in common with your friend and you don't approve of anything they do then why are you friends with them? This is especially curious if you spend a lot of time with the friend who is always doing wrong. In my experience it often indicates birds of a feather.
9. Is really charismatic.
This is especially the case if the person is more charming than personable. Chances are if it sounds like everything they say is a line or gimmick then it probably is. You have to ask what shortcomings are they trying to hide or compensate for? Most sociopaths are described as charismatic and charming.
10. Is a single parent.
Single parents (assuming they are good parents) are generally more mature and responsible people since they are responsible for someone other than themselves. I prefer to date another single parent like me.
11. Is taller.
Surveys suggest that more women prefer taller men. However, research also suggests that being taller is linked to higher levels of testosterone which may also increase the likelihood of cheating. Couple that with the fact that taller men are preferred and it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I will definitely start trying to date shorter men from now on.
11. Prefers dogs or cats.
One of my coworkers suggested that cat lovers are more introverted whereas dog lovers are more social. I have yet to test this!
12. Has tattoos.
Surveys suggest that at least 20% of the population has at least one tattoo. I don't have a problem with tattoos as a whole but sometimes the type of tattoo and/or placement indicates a person who doesn't follow social norms or will go against the grain. Some tattoos (think face or finger tattoos) that can't be hidden would indicate the person doesn't care about other people's perceptions which could be good...but could also be bad. I would have a hard time taking a corporate businessman seriously if he had a face tattoo (sorry, Mike Tyson).
13. Works out a lot.
People who work out a lot are often concerned with looks, attention, approval and validation from others. However, some exceptions would be those who use working out as a stress reliever.
14. Plays video games.
I think that whether or not a person plays video games (and how much, obviously) can be an indication of their maturity level.
15. Has a good relationship with parents.
I thinks this goes without saying.
16. Has a good relationship with children's mom/dad.
This is a little bit of a tricky situation. Obviously you don't want the relationship with baby moms/dads to be TOO good because there may still be some feelings there. But it can be equally problematic if there is resentment or tension. The best situation is one where they don't want to be together for reasons agreed upon but they agree to get along in order to be the best parents for their children. Key words here are "they agree."
17. Is a clean person.
Obviously you don't want someone who is too clean to the point of OCD. However, my experience has been that people with messy homes and/or cars also have messy personalities. Of course no one is going to be able to maintain absolute cleanliness all the time. But it speaks volumes to me if an attempt is made at least. I do not deal with people who are content in their own mess and expect me to be content in it as well.
18. Handedness
There are theories about left handed people being more intelligent or talented but I haven't tested this theory. Only 10% of the population is believed to be left handed so this might be hard to prove or disprove anyway.
19. Maintains Vehicle/House, etc.
This is a personal pet peeve of mine but I feel like it indicates sense of responsibility. I don't care what kind of car it is or whether it's new or old but I feel it needs to be well maintained. To me this is a reasonable expectation of a responsible adult assuming you need reliable transportation to get to work.
20. Usernames chosen
I feel that usernames are chosen for a reason and indicate something about the people who choose them. I tend to avoid usernames that contain sexual innuendos or words like "pimp," "baller," "player," etc.
21. Is blameless and very negative about past relationships
I often like to ask a potential suitor about past relationships and why they ended. I've found you can learn a lot about the person from the way they react to that topic rather than the info divulged.
If there is a lot of negativity or sadness then it may suggest the previous situation is one they are not over.
If they speak about previous lovers with a LOT of contempt then beware! This is one indicator that they are possibly sociopathic.
Also, in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, a study on "thin slicing" relationships (observing little portions of them) found that contempt was the number one indicator that a relationship wouldn't last.
And finally, beware if they don't take responsibility for not one little portion of the break up. This means there is probably not a lot of self awareness or self reflection being done. They are probably moving from one situation to the next without learning a thing.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Preparing for a Relationship Spirtually
I was sharing some of the wonderful
sermons that provide relationship counsel for me with some coworkers and
realized it would be a good idea to put them here also.
I will check occasionally to make sure these are still valid video links...I will also check later to see if I can upload the videos or at least the audio directly to the blog...
Let me share one of my favorite Biblical verses first:
Better to dwell in a corner of a
housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman
Proverbs 21:9 and Proverbs 25:24
Principles of Marriage
1 Corinthians 7
Notable:
The wife does not have authority
over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another
except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and
prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of
your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
One of my all-time favorite sermons...and a particularly important subject considering the recent troubles of the speaker:
Bishop Eddie Long (Forgiveness)
Watch parts 2-5 if possible
Bishop TD Jakes (He Motions)
Make sure to listen to
18:58- Men Longing for Father
Figures
26:40- Women Have Never Heard Men
Talk
28:50- Women Learn about Men from
Other Women
31:30- How Men Communicate Compared
to Women VERY GOOD!
36:15- Women Talk Out Loud When They
are Thinking
36:42- How Men Process Internally
VERY GOOD! Life changing….
45:30- Losing Men VERY GOOD! Life
changing….
48:00- Losing Men in the Turns **A
must for motorcycle riders
53:00- Spiritual Women Trying to
Pray Away Natural problems
55:50- Puberty for Males
57:00- Women Start Training for
Relationships Early while Men Learn to Play Games
1:09:00 List of Ex Cons from the
Bible
Pastor Tamara Bennett (Prospering in
Your Gift 3)
https://youtu.be/RzJ5cRM65Ig
I love this woman...she is one of my all-time favorite female pastors. This part of the sermon talks about how women have to be taught to be women. She also mentions there is a death when a woman goes from being single to married.
https://youtu.be/RzJ5cRM65Ig
I love this woman...she is one of my all-time favorite female pastors. This part of the sermon talks about how women have to be taught to be women. She also mentions there is a death when a woman goes from being single to married.
Pastor Tamara Bennett (Prospering in Your Gift 11)
Pastor R A Vernon The Brady Bunch
This is a great sermon about how to blend a family.
http://thewordchurch.podomatic.com/entry/2013-02-20T13_11_21-08_00
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Soundtrack to My Heart (aka my Breakup Playlist)
I am a huge music lover and I pride myself on being able to find a song about anything! I also love being able to listen to music when I'm going through something because it lets me know that someone else has been through it and understands.
This list is kind of long but I've had a few heartbreaks in my years so I've had plenty of time to compile it! And that leads me to the first song
1. Gone Already (Faith Evans)
I'm not a big fan of Faith Evans so I don't even know how or where I first heard this song but it made me cry. It describes staying in a relationship with someone you know doesn't care about you for whatever reason and how you become numb and mentally detached from the situation.
2. Tired (Kelly Price)
This one is self explanatory. But I was especially able to relate to the lines "tired of the baby mamas..." and "tired of the ghetto drama." My ex would tell me the same stories over and over for hours about his children's mothers...he would also lie to people about me (including his children's mothers) which caused them not to like me.
3. Same Script, Different Cast (Whitney Houston feat. Deborah Cox)
I realized rather early on that my ex was doing the same things to me that he did to his ex wife so I started to relate to this song. I started listening to it more when I saw all the emails and talked to all the other women that he was also selling the exact same dream to.
4. Liar, Liar (Latocha Scott)
Self explanatory
5. Suitcase (Mary J. Blige)
I used to be a huge Mary J. Blige fan back when her songs were full of some of the pain and misery my own relationships were bringing. But I don't think anyone was a fan of happy Mary. :) Glad for this return to her "no more drama" self.
Favorite line "While you're trying to explain I'll be zipping up my suitcase."
6. Lesson Learned (Alicia Keys feat. John Mayer)
Still makes me cry....
On another note I was feeling Alicia's song Unthinkable in the beginning of the relationship after I found he lied to me about being married and I was trying to decide whether or not to deal with him...
7. Ex Factor (Lauryn Hill)
Favorite line "and when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay..." True story! And proof this fool is crazy!
8. He Think I Don't Know (Mary J. Blige)
Favorite line "I don't know what gets me more...about your two hour trips to the store...how they never have what you went there for...or that you say to trust you more..."
This reminded me of a story my ex told me (over and over again but I digress) about how he would "go to Walmart" for hours and read magazines in the middle of the night while he was with his ex wife...but he didn't understand why she didn't trust him.
9. (I Just Want it) to Be Over (Keyshia Cole)
Self explanatory
10. Free Yourself (Fantasia)
Very old but good one...
11. Truth Hurts (Usher)
GREAT song where he starts out accusing his significant other of "fooling around" but admits at the end that it's actually just his insecurities because HE'S the one doing wrong...preach Usher!
12. All the Ifs (Trey Songz)
Not sure if all men feel this way when they lose a good woman...but this is how Trey Songz feels about it...nice song at least!
13. It Kills Me (Melanie Fiona)
This is probably the theme song of every woman who is trying to stay with a no good man...Melanie's song 4 AM is another one...
14. I'm Out (Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj)
Nice f*** you song that you can dance to...
15. Heart Attack (Trey Songz)
Seems like Trey knows a few things about love and heart break...I LOVE this song!
16. Grenade (remix) (Bruno Mars feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line "Take, take, take it all but you never give..."
17. Yesterday (Toni Braxton)
I remember blasting this on repeat after I heard it for the first time...
18. If You Died I Wouldn't Cry (Mya)
I told my ex I wished he would die before...he told me that was the worst thing anyone could ever say to someone and a real woman would NEVER say that to a man...I was like, uh, it's NOT just me contrary to what you always say...someone ELSE even wrote a song about it...
Favorite line "I hope you die! I hope you die!"
19. Moving Mountains (Usher)
Beautiful song about the futility of working on a relationship sometimes...Usher and Trey Songz really know a thing or two about relationships...
20. Black Roses (Trey Songz)
Favorite line "Black roses for this dying love...an early Valentine. Special delivery just for you and I"
21.Climax (Usher)
A song about realizing the relationship isn't going to get any better...and then trying to figure out what to do next...another one that I listened to repeatedly.
22. I Don't Believe You (Pink)
Another poignant song about not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love you...made me cry when I first heard it.
23. Find Your Love (Drake)
Drake is not as good as Trey or Usher but I fell in love with the beat of this song before I realized it was another song about not wanting to admit that the person you love may not love you.
24. When a Woman's Fed Up (R. Kelly)
Self explanatory
25. I Can't Sleep (R. Kelly)
I just put this song on here as an afterthought just because I was a huge R. Kelly fan in the past but thought this song was stupid until I went through my first real heart break. I realized that you really don't want to eat or sleep when your heart is broken! Lesson learned. It became one of my favorite songs for awhile after that.
26. Me, Myself and I (Beyoncé)
Self-explanatory
27 La La La (Naughty Boy feat. Sam Smith)
My daughter's drill team performed to this song awhile back so I had it on a different playlist. It wasn't until after my break up that I realized this was a very tasteful song about not being able to listen to anymore lies from a lover that is full of BS.
Favorite line: "I can't find your silver lining...I don't mean to judge...but when you read your speech it's tiring...enough is enough!" That's probably the nicest way to say there is NOTHING good about the person you are referring to...and also to say "I'm tired of hearing these same lies that you keep repeating to me and everyone else!"
28. Reason to Believe (Rod Stewart)
Favorite line: "If I listened long enough to you...I'd find a way to believe it's all true...knowing that you lied...straight faced, while I cried...and still I look to find a reason to believe"
29. Deuces Remix feat. Drake, T.I., Kanye West, Fabolous, Rick Ross and Andre 3000
Another interesting male perspective on breaking up...
30. No Love (Eminem feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line: "And you can keep knocking, but won't knock me down...no love lost, no love found.."
I was sick with the flu and losing my voice one day when my ex called and he was pissed that I did not have the energy to listen to him talk for the requisite couple of hours. And of course he never asked how I was feeling. I remember putting this song on repeat and it made me feel better even though it made my headache feel worse.
Also worth an honorable mention is Drop the World by Lil Wayne feat. Eminem
31. Cold Case Love (Rihanna)
Beautiful, beautiful song about reflecting on a relationship after it's over...
32. Ring Off (Beyoncé)
Cute song Beyoncé wrote for her mother after she finally had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage.
This list is kind of long but I've had a few heartbreaks in my years so I've had plenty of time to compile it! And that leads me to the first song
1. Gone Already (Faith Evans)
I'm not a big fan of Faith Evans so I don't even know how or where I first heard this song but it made me cry. It describes staying in a relationship with someone you know doesn't care about you for whatever reason and how you become numb and mentally detached from the situation.
2. Tired (Kelly Price)
This one is self explanatory. But I was especially able to relate to the lines "tired of the baby mamas..." and "tired of the ghetto drama." My ex would tell me the same stories over and over for hours about his children's mothers...he would also lie to people about me (including his children's mothers) which caused them not to like me.
3. Same Script, Different Cast (Whitney Houston feat. Deborah Cox)
I realized rather early on that my ex was doing the same things to me that he did to his ex wife so I started to relate to this song. I started listening to it more when I saw all the emails and talked to all the other women that he was also selling the exact same dream to.
4. Liar, Liar (Latocha Scott)
Self explanatory
5. Suitcase (Mary J. Blige)
I used to be a huge Mary J. Blige fan back when her songs were full of some of the pain and misery my own relationships were bringing. But I don't think anyone was a fan of happy Mary. :) Glad for this return to her "no more drama" self.
Favorite line "While you're trying to explain I'll be zipping up my suitcase."
6. Lesson Learned (Alicia Keys feat. John Mayer)
Still makes me cry....
On another note I was feeling Alicia's song Unthinkable in the beginning of the relationship after I found he lied to me about being married and I was trying to decide whether or not to deal with him...
7. Ex Factor (Lauryn Hill)
Favorite line "and when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay..." True story! And proof this fool is crazy!
8. He Think I Don't Know (Mary J. Blige)
Favorite line "I don't know what gets me more...about your two hour trips to the store...how they never have what you went there for...or that you say to trust you more..."
This reminded me of a story my ex told me (over and over again but I digress) about how he would "go to Walmart" for hours and read magazines in the middle of the night while he was with his ex wife...but he didn't understand why she didn't trust him.
9. (I Just Want it) to Be Over (Keyshia Cole)
Self explanatory
10. Free Yourself (Fantasia)
Very old but good one...
11. Truth Hurts (Usher)
GREAT song where he starts out accusing his significant other of "fooling around" but admits at the end that it's actually just his insecurities because HE'S the one doing wrong...preach Usher!
12. All the Ifs (Trey Songz)
Not sure if all men feel this way when they lose a good woman...but this is how Trey Songz feels about it...nice song at least!
13. It Kills Me (Melanie Fiona)
This is probably the theme song of every woman who is trying to stay with a no good man...Melanie's song 4 AM is another one...
14. I'm Out (Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj)
Nice f*** you song that you can dance to...
15. Heart Attack (Trey Songz)
Seems like Trey knows a few things about love and heart break...I LOVE this song!
16. Grenade (remix) (Bruno Mars feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line "Take, take, take it all but you never give..."
17. Yesterday (Toni Braxton)
I remember blasting this on repeat after I heard it for the first time...
18. If You Died I Wouldn't Cry (Mya)
I told my ex I wished he would die before...he told me that was the worst thing anyone could ever say to someone and a real woman would NEVER say that to a man...I was like, uh, it's NOT just me contrary to what you always say...someone ELSE even wrote a song about it...
Favorite line "I hope you die! I hope you die!"
19. Moving Mountains (Usher)
Beautiful song about the futility of working on a relationship sometimes...Usher and Trey Songz really know a thing or two about relationships...
20. Black Roses (Trey Songz)
Favorite line "Black roses for this dying love...an early Valentine. Special delivery just for you and I"
21.Climax (Usher)
A song about realizing the relationship isn't going to get any better...and then trying to figure out what to do next...another one that I listened to repeatedly.
22. I Don't Believe You (Pink)
Another poignant song about not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love you...made me cry when I first heard it.
23. Find Your Love (Drake)
Drake is not as good as Trey or Usher but I fell in love with the beat of this song before I realized it was another song about not wanting to admit that the person you love may not love you.
24. When a Woman's Fed Up (R. Kelly)
Self explanatory
25. I Can't Sleep (R. Kelly)
I just put this song on here as an afterthought just because I was a huge R. Kelly fan in the past but thought this song was stupid until I went through my first real heart break. I realized that you really don't want to eat or sleep when your heart is broken! Lesson learned. It became one of my favorite songs for awhile after that.
26. Me, Myself and I (Beyoncé)
Self-explanatory
27 La La La (Naughty Boy feat. Sam Smith)
My daughter's drill team performed to this song awhile back so I had it on a different playlist. It wasn't until after my break up that I realized this was a very tasteful song about not being able to listen to anymore lies from a lover that is full of BS.
Favorite line: "I can't find your silver lining...I don't mean to judge...but when you read your speech it's tiring...enough is enough!" That's probably the nicest way to say there is NOTHING good about the person you are referring to...and also to say "I'm tired of hearing these same lies that you keep repeating to me and everyone else!"
28. Reason to Believe (Rod Stewart)
Favorite line: "If I listened long enough to you...I'd find a way to believe it's all true...knowing that you lied...straight faced, while I cried...and still I look to find a reason to believe"
29. Deuces Remix feat. Drake, T.I., Kanye West, Fabolous, Rick Ross and Andre 3000
Another interesting male perspective on breaking up...
30. No Love (Eminem feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line: "And you can keep knocking, but won't knock me down...no love lost, no love found.."
I was sick with the flu and losing my voice one day when my ex called and he was pissed that I did not have the energy to listen to him talk for the requisite couple of hours. And of course he never asked how I was feeling. I remember putting this song on repeat and it made me feel better even though it made my headache feel worse.
Also worth an honorable mention is Drop the World by Lil Wayne feat. Eminem
31. Cold Case Love (Rihanna)
Beautiful, beautiful song about reflecting on a relationship after it's over...
32. Ring Off (Beyoncé)
Cute song Beyoncé wrote for her mother after she finally had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Dating a Socipath (aka They Must Know My Ex)
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The Vanilla Swagga Latte (aka Dating Outside my Race)
So I have never dated outside my race. I think other races are wonderful. I find members of other races to be very nice looking. However, I never find myself attracted to them. I don't consider myself racist...I think it's just a matter of personal preference. After all, I'm not a big fan of light skinned black men either. Something about dark skin just makes me....uh...smile :)
However, I live in a majority white neighborhood. Consequently my daughter goes to a majority white school and thinks white boys are the best thing since sliced bread (and the bread is white too, so she may have a point...)
She issued the challenge that I should date a white man in this experimental dating phase I'm in.
She even referenced the part in the movie Best Man Holiday where they referred to Eddie Cibrian's character as a "Vanilla Swagga Latte!"
And finally, she tried to make me watch the movie Something New again.
A friend echoed the same sentiment and when I protested she said, "Why not? It's not like you're trying to get married right away!"
True....
So I messaged six white guys and got NO responses. I happily reported this to my daughter who responded "Well, you have to do it again. Don't you always tell me to try again?"
At this point, I realize having a child who is old enough to be all in your dating business is not the most ideal situation...however she is the person who was closest to the situation with my ex and wise beyond her years probably because of it. She has been my rock and I stayed in the relationship for her because he was the only father figure she'd ever known. She used to get upset whenever we would talk about breaking up. When she was younger she didn't understand but now that she's older she's over it! I left because she was ready to go! And she was a big advocate for us moving out and me dating again.
More on my last relationship in a blog that will be coming soon titled Dating a Sociopath.
But back to the white guys...so I messaged six more....this time I was careful to find guys who looked open-minded...I also tried to look for ex-military guys because I figured they might be more diverse...I have to be honest here and say that the first time I accidentally on purpose picked only rednecked, possible confederate flag toting racist looking guys so I may be to blame for the lack of responses. Silly me :)
So I got three responses this time.
Guy #1 looked like the sweetest most innocent thing on the site...he mentioned being recently divorced so I thought he'd be relatable. However, he responded to my message saying "I'm honestly just looking for NSA FWB. Let me know if you're still interested." Well! I had to respect the man for his honesty. I responded saying I did appreciate the honesty but I wasn't interested. I told him I would buy him a drink to show how much I appreciated his honesty but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He said he understood and that I should message if I changed my mind. And that was that.
Guy #2 seemed pretty straight laced...he said he'd been divorced for three years...we exchanged numbers and we were texting about possibly meeting for coffee which turned into longer texts about coffee preferences and he asked if he could call me. We had a good conversation about coffee, and then about his job...I asked why he was single and he mentioned that his wife had cheated. I asked why he didn't try to reconcile and he actually got a little upset and said he tried but she liked to have sex with multiples and on video and he felt like what belonged to him was HIS ONLY! He then quickly ended the convo saying if I really didn't want to meet with him I should let him know? I assured him I did still want to meet for coffee the next day.
However, I thought his behavior was a red flag considering this was supposed to be resolved three years ago???? My thoughts were that either he was lying about being divorced, or at least lying about being recently divorced.
Well, the next day I overslept. I texted him and let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it by 11. I asked if we could do something later on that day. He said maybe and then he texted later to say the following week would be better. I contacted him the following week and we agreed to meet Wednesday after work for drinks.
And I never heard from him again. I called and texted a few times and told him I didn't mind if he didn't want to meet me...I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. I later saw that he was still on the site and I did see that he was online after that so I didn't contact him again...not sure what happened there but at any rate, it's done!
Guy #3 I messaged this guy because he sounded like he was ex military. I exchanged messages with him and he was actually an ex cop but we had the same military type camaraderie. I asked him if he'd had any success on the site and he responded, yes apparently it's going great because I'm chatting with you...I responded "Ok, that's smooth..." My daughter dubbed him "Dr. Smooth" and I have to admit he is living up to that nickname.
We did a meet and greet and had a great conversation. We have a lot in common being former military and law enforcement. He is also very down to earth, has a great sense of humor and he is good looking.
My sister asked if he was someone I would want to date and I said "Date, yes. sleep with, no"
She responded "Wait, doesn't dating lead to sleeping with?" and I responded "Most guys would like for it to...and therein lies my dilemma...I'm not attracted to him."
We went on our first date (movie date) and then talked afterward and again it was a lot of fun. I even told him what my daughter's nickname for him was and he said it is now one of his favorite nicknames. I didn't want to bring up the subject of race but I did ask him if he could dance and he said "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm white...I can snap my fingers and move my upper body or I can do a two step and move my lower body...but I can't do both!"
I laughed and told him that was a stereotype and he said, "No, it's not! But luckily I'm like the Dos Equis guy...I'm so smooth I don't have to dance!" I said "I agree, hence the nickname Dr. Smooth." So then I tried to gingerly approach the subject of next steps...I told him I didn't know what the rules were regarding kissing, etc. He said "we are too old for that so there are no rules but I don't kiss on the first date"...phew! In the meantime I continue to enjoy talking to him and luckily he has his kids this weekend so I have two weeks to figure out something before we can go on another date. I was doing dates during the week but that is exhausting!!!!
However, I live in a majority white neighborhood. Consequently my daughter goes to a majority white school and thinks white boys are the best thing since sliced bread (and the bread is white too, so she may have a point...)
She issued the challenge that I should date a white man in this experimental dating phase I'm in.
She even referenced the part in the movie Best Man Holiday where they referred to Eddie Cibrian's character as a "Vanilla Swagga Latte!"
And finally, she tried to make me watch the movie Something New again.
A friend echoed the same sentiment and when I protested she said, "Why not? It's not like you're trying to get married right away!"
True....
So I messaged six white guys and got NO responses. I happily reported this to my daughter who responded "Well, you have to do it again. Don't you always tell me to try again?"
At this point, I realize having a child who is old enough to be all in your dating business is not the most ideal situation...however she is the person who was closest to the situation with my ex and wise beyond her years probably because of it. She has been my rock and I stayed in the relationship for her because he was the only father figure she'd ever known. She used to get upset whenever we would talk about breaking up. When she was younger she didn't understand but now that she's older she's over it! I left because she was ready to go! And she was a big advocate for us moving out and me dating again.
More on my last relationship in a blog that will be coming soon titled Dating a Sociopath.
But back to the white guys...so I messaged six more....this time I was careful to find guys who looked open-minded...I also tried to look for ex-military guys because I figured they might be more diverse...I have to be honest here and say that the first time I accidentally on purpose picked only rednecked, possible confederate flag toting racist looking guys so I may be to blame for the lack of responses. Silly me :)
So I got three responses this time.
Guy #1 looked like the sweetest most innocent thing on the site...he mentioned being recently divorced so I thought he'd be relatable. However, he responded to my message saying "I'm honestly just looking for NSA FWB. Let me know if you're still interested." Well! I had to respect the man for his honesty. I responded saying I did appreciate the honesty but I wasn't interested. I told him I would buy him a drink to show how much I appreciated his honesty but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He said he understood and that I should message if I changed my mind. And that was that.
Guy #2 seemed pretty straight laced...he said he'd been divorced for three years...we exchanged numbers and we were texting about possibly meeting for coffee which turned into longer texts about coffee preferences and he asked if he could call me. We had a good conversation about coffee, and then about his job...I asked why he was single and he mentioned that his wife had cheated. I asked why he didn't try to reconcile and he actually got a little upset and said he tried but she liked to have sex with multiples and on video and he felt like what belonged to him was HIS ONLY! He then quickly ended the convo saying if I really didn't want to meet with him I should let him know? I assured him I did still want to meet for coffee the next day.
However, I thought his behavior was a red flag considering this was supposed to be resolved three years ago???? My thoughts were that either he was lying about being divorced, or at least lying about being recently divorced.
Well, the next day I overslept. I texted him and let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it by 11. I asked if we could do something later on that day. He said maybe and then he texted later to say the following week would be better. I contacted him the following week and we agreed to meet Wednesday after work for drinks.
And I never heard from him again. I called and texted a few times and told him I didn't mind if he didn't want to meet me...I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. I later saw that he was still on the site and I did see that he was online after that so I didn't contact him again...not sure what happened there but at any rate, it's done!
Guy #3 I messaged this guy because he sounded like he was ex military. I exchanged messages with him and he was actually an ex cop but we had the same military type camaraderie. I asked him if he'd had any success on the site and he responded, yes apparently it's going great because I'm chatting with you...I responded "Ok, that's smooth..." My daughter dubbed him "Dr. Smooth" and I have to admit he is living up to that nickname.
We did a meet and greet and had a great conversation. We have a lot in common being former military and law enforcement. He is also very down to earth, has a great sense of humor and he is good looking.
My sister asked if he was someone I would want to date and I said "Date, yes. sleep with, no"
She responded "Wait, doesn't dating lead to sleeping with?" and I responded "Most guys would like for it to...and therein lies my dilemma...I'm not attracted to him."
We went on our first date (movie date) and then talked afterward and again it was a lot of fun. I even told him what my daughter's nickname for him was and he said it is now one of his favorite nicknames. I didn't want to bring up the subject of race but I did ask him if he could dance and he said "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm white...I can snap my fingers and move my upper body or I can do a two step and move my lower body...but I can't do both!"
I laughed and told him that was a stereotype and he said, "No, it's not! But luckily I'm like the Dos Equis guy...I'm so smooth I don't have to dance!" I said "I agree, hence the nickname Dr. Smooth." So then I tried to gingerly approach the subject of next steps...I told him I didn't know what the rules were regarding kissing, etc. He said "we are too old for that so there are no rules but I don't kiss on the first date"...phew! In the meantime I continue to enjoy talking to him and luckily he has his kids this weekend so I have two weeks to figure out something before we can go on another date. I was doing dates during the week but that is exhausting!!!!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Venturing into the Online Dating Pond
I recently got out of a six year relationship and although I felt better I wasn't prepared for the void that was left after my ex. I realized I'd devoted so much time to him so now I had all this time and didn't know what to do! I decided to create an online dating profile just to "dip my toe in the water" and see what was out there. I'm a little bit of a nerd so I did some research and found an article online that stated Plenty of Fish was a great site because 1. It has great questionnaires 2. It is one of the largest/most popular sites and 3. It's free!
So I figured What do I have to lose? I signed up. I didn't immediately post photos because past online dating experiences consisted of guys completely disregarding what the profile says and messaging me because they liked my photos.
My search criteria was pretty simple...uh single, divorced, widowed statuses...black (there will be a post on dating outside my race later), ages 35-40 (I'm 33) and height 5'9"-6'1"....I learned in the past that I don't seem to respect shorter guys as much as I do taller...and of course they can't be too tall because I'm only 5'1"...there is nothing sexy about him having to bend down a lot or pick me up for a kiss!
And that's it! No preference for kids, education, none of that!
However, I didn't know how to privately send a user a photo so I had to exchange numbers with them...in the first couple of weeks I exchanged numbers with 10 guys! The site also didn't have a chat option so exchanging numbers was really the only alternative to slowly exchanging dry messages back and forth. I feel like I have to meet a person, or at least talk to them via phone to determine whether or not there is a connection.
I felt like worse case scenario I could block them, or even change my number if I had to.
***Numbers in bold indicate guys I met face to face...I only talked to the rest on the phone.
So of the 10 guys:
Guy #1. Chatted on the site and via text but when I sent him my photos he immediately said he wasn't attracted to me. I wished him luck finding what he was looking for and that was the end.
Guy #2. Chatted on the site but when I texted him my photos and also a "so where are you from" text the response was "this is a friend's phone. So I can't be messaging stuff..." My subsequent question "why would you be using a friend's phone?" was never answered so that was the end of that one as well.
Guy #3.Chatted on the site and when I sent him the photos he said "you look nice but I'm really into females with large butts..." I asked "Are you only looking for a hookup?" and he said "no...but I just can't see the butt...." I sent "LOL is this booty call hour or something?" (it's only 10 pm but I haven't dated in awhile so I don't know WHAT hours constitute booty call hours anymore) He replied "No, that would be 2 am..." I responded "ok just making sure" and never got another response...
Guy #4. Chatted on the site, sent him the photos and then we talked...I thought he was very intelligent but also had a little bit of street like me (he was a chemistry teacher)...had a couple of good conversations but after that he wasn't really available to chat or meet...he was always non-responsive or "watching football with his dad." I finally texted him to say that I felt like I was being catfished so I wouldn't be messaging him anymore. So that was that...Also, I showed his photos to my daughter and my friend and they both said he looked like my ex...bummer! (****Update, this guy eventually ghosted me. Later when I searched his number in Facebook I realized he was married****)
Guy #5 Met this guy on the site and sent him the photos after making sure he looked nothing like my ex! LOL...he took awhile to respond as well and when I asked why he said he was frequently busy or out of town due to his job. Conversations went okay...he seemed a little shy and again frequently unavailable...tried to set up a time to meet but he said he was always gone...finally told him I felt like he had someone and stopped messaging him.
Guy #6. Chatted on the site and then I sent him the photos and it took him forever to respond...he said his job took up a lot of his time which made me a little suspicious. We had a great convo about him being a good man and his ex doing him wrong and how he was raised to provide for his woman so he worked a lot and she had a problem with that...however at one point in the conversation he asked exactly what I did and then asked me how much money I made??? Other than that I thought the convo was going pretty well but then I told him about my situation (I still share a house with my ex that I have to go through the process of getting my name off of) and he said "well that's ok because I have a roommate situation....I dated a lady who needed somewhere to stay and now she won't get out...."
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This comment struck a note with me because I had done a three-way call with my ex and one of his conquests (she asked me to listen in...she was in love, couldn't believe that he lied to her and only 21 hence the three way call) and he said the exact same thing about me even though I found our house, we split EVERYTHING down the middle and had recently gotten engaged...
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But I digress...I asked #6 if his "roommate" paid any bills and he said no...I responded..."why would she go anywhere when she is being taken care of?" He said "well, I don't want to just kick her out"...hmmmmmm...and then he said "And she tries to sneak in my room at night..." I was like, uh, meaning you guys sleep together? And he was like yes...I said "ok, we are all grown, why can't you just say that?"
So I decided not to talk to him anymore after that conversation because obviously, something was afoul...it was starting to stink like one DEAD fish...in the meantime I told one of my friends about it and showed her his photos and she said..."well, he looks exactly like your ex...you definitely have a type" WHAT????? I needed a second opinion so I showed the photos to my daughter who said "mommy, you are supposed to get a rebound not go and get the exact same thing...he does look like your ex!"
Well they were absolutely right...the next day I got a phone call from.......his girlfriend! She had seen my name and number in his phone and wanted to know why he was talking to me late at night. I was completely honest with her, and even sent her screen shots of his dating profile (which he'd conveniently deleted). I have been taking screen shots ever since! One of the questions she asked was if he asked me about much money I made and I told her yes, and I thought that was odd. She said he made decent money but wasn't saving anything so he relied on her a lot financially...plus he was paying a lot in child support and actually lived with her!!!! She also said that the name he gave me wasn't his real name! He contacted me shortly thereafter trying to explain, saying he told her it was over. I asked him not to call me again and then SHE called me back, asking what he said to me...I told her, "he said he told you it was over and asked me if I'm still interested"....to which she responded, "no he was supposed to tell YOU it was over and he wasn't going to talk to you anymore"...neither of them contacted me again after that!
Well! This experience got me to thinking about myself, my preferences and the fact that I did seem to have a TYPE. My type is generally athletic, football player build (kind of stocky)...so the first question I asked myself was...is this type more prone to cheating? (I later read a study that correlated taller men with athletic body types with higher levels of testosterone, and also of course the fact that more women are attracted to that type so maybe so.) Obviously a lot of women prefer THAT type...so I switched it up! I deliberately chose users that didn't look that way during my next search. I also extended my age range to 35-45 and lowered my height range to 5'7".
Also one of my friends informed me that I could upload my photos to the site and then make them private. That way, when I send a message they are available so I can attach them to individual messages to users.
Guy #7 Sent this guy photos in a private message and then exchanged numbers. One thing that struck me as odd is when I called him his voicemail said his number was a Google Voice number. Also when he sent me photos they were from different generic Google bounce email addresses???? (this will be in the Red Flags list) When I asked him about it he was nonchalant and said something might have been wrong with his email address. He also told me he had four kids...2 from his first marriage and 2 from his second. He asked if I was ok with the fact that his kids were biracial because some women had a problem with that. He seemed immediately taken with me because we had so much in common (both worked in IT, both had children, both former military, etc.) and he called and texted me a lot...much more than anyone else I'd met on the site so far...he bragged that he made really good money but he also asked me what kind of money I made (by now this is a red flag). He kept saying that he needed a good woman in his life to be a good mother to his kids. I told him I felt he was rushing a LOT and needed to slow down but he kept saying we had a connection. He also told me he'd told his mother about me and she said I was "the one." That struck me as odd because 1. I would never dream of telling my mother about anyone so soon and 2. I couldn't imagine why my mom would feel someone I just met online but had never even met in person was "the one."
I agreed to go on a date with him but with the intent to let him down gently as I just felt something was off with him since he was rushing me too much. He showed up to the date wearing a nice orange and white button down long-sleeved shirt. I offered to pay for the date or at least split the cost but he said his upbringing wouldn't allow him to do that. The date went pretty well but he told me he had also told his aunt about me and she said "that's the lady you need to be pursuing..." Then he made a comment like "His second ex-wife wouldn't like me because he could tell I would be a better mother to their children than her..." So I said to him, "I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now so I haven't even considered that...but to be honest I don't think I want to deal with four kids and the baby mama drama that comes along with..." He immediately tried to backtrack and explain that there would be NO baby drama at all since his 2nd ex-wife would be intimidated by me and back down...he also kept saying "Let me explain..." which to me is a red flag. I ended the date by telling him I would really have to think about his situation but that I didn't think I wanted to deal with it. He texted me on the way home and said "I really enjoyed being around you and no matter your choice I'm happy I met you."
And then the next day...his girlfriend called me. She was very upset because he had told her he was going on a date with his mother...she had even picked out the outfit he wore...
Just like #6 he lived with her and she was taking care of him and helping with his four children. Again I sent her photos of his dating profile which he'd deleted of course.
Just like #6's wife she said a lot of things that resonated me from dealing with my ex....both girlfriends from #6 and #7 had their suspicions but the guys would always call them crazy and start arguments so they would drop the subject. I told her I was at a point where I wanted to write a blog and generate a list of what I now realize are red flags and she said she definitely wanted to read it!
One of the red flags that I also realized was evident with him and my ex was the "I told xyz people in my life about you and they think you are the one" lie. As she and I both agreed, there was no way that was true because his family knew he was with her and had been for awhile. Furthermore, if he had told them what are the odds they would tell him a complete stranger he met online is "the one" and that he should "pursue her?"
She asked me not to contact him again and to let her know if he contacted me...which I told her of course he would...she also said she didn't want to tell him that she had snooped in his phone so she wanted to know if it was ok to tell him that I contacted her...I was like of course! He sent me text messages as follows (which I forwarded directly to her):
"Thank you for what you did! I hope you're book works out and hurting other people doesn't heal you're pain. good luck"
And then:
"Also I contacted my lawyer and if write anything in blog that was anything to do with me we will file suit."
"Also, the person that you contact her lawyer will be contacting you about how you found her information."
So that was how the formalized blog idea was born...I wanted to generate a list of red flags that might help other women and also do a more formal evaluation of my dating experience so that hopefully I would find the right one...my sister informed me that a woman named Amy Webb had done something similar (coincidentally Amy works in IT as well) but I noticed she didn't list a lot of red flags so I still felt the need to do my own. For her web blog find Amy Webb: How I Hacked Online Dating
Guy #8 ...All I can say about this guy is Easy Like Sunday Morning :) He is very easy going and great to talk to. He is the only guy that I chatted and texted with who never asked for a photo. He said that as long I wasn't a 60 year old toothless man that would make him too embarrassed to go on Catfish then he was ok without them. He is another single parent and all around sweet guy...I love talking to him as he is very insightful and has a great sense of humor. I can honestly say that I find myself talking to him a lot and because of that I warned him that he may get friend zoned. I find myself venting to him about daily annoyances and unpleasant interactions with my ex and he finds a way to make me laugh about it all. I'm not sure if he would be considered a rebound but he has certainly made my post-breakup process easier! I even confessed my concerns about #7 to him and got his take on them. Funny enough, he showed up for our dinner date in an orange and white button down shirt too...we had a funny conversation about #7 and I informed him that he was wearing the same color shirt so apparently they had more in common than he thought!
After that he would always ask if I was on the phone with the "long sleeved orange shirt guy" to which I would respond that I only talk to the "short sleeved orange shirt guy." Even though he is someone I would consider dating I told him I have to continue my online dating to make sure he isn't a fluke. I also told him now that I've committed to writing this blog I have to see it through. I have an obligation to continue dating so that I can get enough data for accurate statistical results for my research. The only downside to him is that he is not as aggressive as what I'm used to...not sure if this is a deal breaker or not...to be continued.....
Guy #9 By the time I met this guy on the site I'd made my photos public. This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He called me but I missed his call...when I called back it went to voicemail and he had a Google Voice number. (Red flag!) He called me back and started talking about how he was a self taught technology person and how he didn't think people were very family oriented in DFW. I remarked that I didn't realize he worked in technology based on his profile and he explained that he doesn't work in technology but he wants to...in the meantime he was hesitant to tell me what he actually did. I let him know that I was concerned that he had a Google voice number because the last person that I talked to who was using Google voice was married. He explained that he doesn't initially use his real number because he likes to feel women out first because many women are stalkers and don't like to take no for an answer. However, he said he would send me his real number and never did...one convo and done as far as I'm concerned!
Guy #10 This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He seems to have a really fun personality. He works in IT as well so of course that's something we have in common. He is also another single parent with a child the same age as mine. However, the best way to describe him is that he was not the type of person that I would date but he is trying to transition into the type of person I would date because his daughter recently came to live with him. He was a sports bike riding playboy who is now trying to be a responsible single parent and it's very obvious. Not sure how the transition will play out for him but I keep in touch because I would like for us to work on a work related project together.
Guy #11 This guy contacted me on the site as well (I'm not big on them contacting me, I'd rather choose the people I contact). I dismissed his very minimal profile at first but then I decided I was being too judgmental and instead started chatting with him about the fact that he listed that he wasn't religious on his profile (this will be on the Red Flags list that is coming soon!). Ended up exchanging numbers with him and even though he was very conceited as I had assessed initially (based on his photos) he was also surprisingly well versed and intelligent. This made for a few good conversations and then a meet and greet. However, I asked him to put together a diet plan for me and paid him very well to do so as he said it was his specialty and was pretty disappointed in the results. I gave him my email address and he kept saying he emailed it to me but I didn't get anything. He asked for it again and I asked "why can't you just scroll up to the last text I sent it to you in?" He finally posted the "diet plan" as a response to an email I sent him about a show called American Horror Story (one of my favorite shows but I digress). I let him know that I could have gotten a much better diet plan by just Googling it and it wouldn't have cost me anything. I also let him know that I thought the email (or rather the response to my unrelated email) was very unprofessional. He got pretty upset about that which was expected. Then he apologized and promised to fix it but I'm sure I won't hear from him again. On to the next!
Guy #12 This guy contacted me also and again (in the spirit of being less judgmental) I responded. I chatted with him a few times and he seemed nice enough but again, how do you judge that exchanging dry messages on the site? So I gave him my number and in conversation found he had a job not a career. He then revealed he actually wasn't single he was going through a divorce. I explained that he was being very misleading by saying he was single (luckily I wasn't interested anyway but I didn't say that to him). He explained he didn't have anyone to talk to about his situation and also no one he could talk to about his career goals so I figured I could play counselor/mentor for a second since I'm SUCH a nice person :) After that he texted me good morning/good night almost every day and I'd respond in kind. He texted me one day and I decided I might as well meet him. I gave him a time but I was getting my hair done so I realized I was going to be late and let him know that...he sent me a sad face and a message that said "You aren't standing me up are you?" Awwwww...I assured him I wasn't and bought him lunch to make it up to him. He seemed nice enough and I suggested he join a Meetup group for entrepreneurs since he did have some great business ideas. He thanked me for taking the time to talk to him and give him advice. Who knew I'd be on a dating site doing good deeds? :)
So I figured What do I have to lose? I signed up. I didn't immediately post photos because past online dating experiences consisted of guys completely disregarding what the profile says and messaging me because they liked my photos.
My search criteria was pretty simple...uh single, divorced, widowed statuses...black (there will be a post on dating outside my race later), ages 35-40 (I'm 33) and height 5'9"-6'1"....I learned in the past that I don't seem to respect shorter guys as much as I do taller...and of course they can't be too tall because I'm only 5'1"...there is nothing sexy about him having to bend down a lot or pick me up for a kiss!
And that's it! No preference for kids, education, none of that!
However, I didn't know how to privately send a user a photo so I had to exchange numbers with them...in the first couple of weeks I exchanged numbers with 10 guys! The site also didn't have a chat option so exchanging numbers was really the only alternative to slowly exchanging dry messages back and forth. I feel like I have to meet a person, or at least talk to them via phone to determine whether or not there is a connection.
I felt like worse case scenario I could block them, or even change my number if I had to.
***Numbers in bold indicate guys I met face to face...I only talked to the rest on the phone.
So of the 10 guys:
Guy #1. Chatted on the site and via text but when I sent him my photos he immediately said he wasn't attracted to me. I wished him luck finding what he was looking for and that was the end.
Guy #2. Chatted on the site but when I texted him my photos and also a "so where are you from" text the response was "this is a friend's phone. So I can't be messaging stuff..." My subsequent question "why would you be using a friend's phone?" was never answered so that was the end of that one as well.
Guy #3.Chatted on the site and when I sent him the photos he said "you look nice but I'm really into females with large butts..." I asked "Are you only looking for a hookup?" and he said "no...but I just can't see the butt...." I sent "LOL is this booty call hour or something?" (it's only 10 pm but I haven't dated in awhile so I don't know WHAT hours constitute booty call hours anymore) He replied "No, that would be 2 am..." I responded "ok just making sure" and never got another response...
Guy #4. Chatted on the site, sent him the photos and then we talked...I thought he was very intelligent but also had a little bit of street like me (he was a chemistry teacher)...had a couple of good conversations but after that he wasn't really available to chat or meet...he was always non-responsive or "watching football with his dad." I finally texted him to say that I felt like I was being catfished so I wouldn't be messaging him anymore. So that was that...Also, I showed his photos to my daughter and my friend and they both said he looked like my ex...bummer! (****Update, this guy eventually ghosted me. Later when I searched his number in Facebook I realized he was married****)
Guy #5 Met this guy on the site and sent him the photos after making sure he looked nothing like my ex! LOL...he took awhile to respond as well and when I asked why he said he was frequently busy or out of town due to his job. Conversations went okay...he seemed a little shy and again frequently unavailable...tried to set up a time to meet but he said he was always gone...finally told him I felt like he had someone and stopped messaging him.
Guy #6. Chatted on the site and then I sent him the photos and it took him forever to respond...he said his job took up a lot of his time which made me a little suspicious. We had a great convo about him being a good man and his ex doing him wrong and how he was raised to provide for his woman so he worked a lot and she had a problem with that...however at one point in the conversation he asked exactly what I did and then asked me how much money I made??? Other than that I thought the convo was going pretty well but then I told him about my situation (I still share a house with my ex that I have to go through the process of getting my name off of) and he said "well that's ok because I have a roommate situation....I dated a lady who needed somewhere to stay and now she won't get out...."
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This comment struck a note with me because I had done a three-way call with my ex and one of his conquests (she asked me to listen in...she was in love, couldn't believe that he lied to her and only 21 hence the three way call) and he said the exact same thing about me even though I found our house, we split EVERYTHING down the middle and had recently gotten engaged...
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But I digress...I asked #6 if his "roommate" paid any bills and he said no...I responded..."why would she go anywhere when she is being taken care of?" He said "well, I don't want to just kick her out"...hmmmmmm...and then he said "And she tries to sneak in my room at night..." I was like, uh, meaning you guys sleep together? And he was like yes...I said "ok, we are all grown, why can't you just say that?"
So I decided not to talk to him anymore after that conversation because obviously, something was afoul...it was starting to stink like one DEAD fish...in the meantime I told one of my friends about it and showed her his photos and she said..."well, he looks exactly like your ex...you definitely have a type" WHAT????? I needed a second opinion so I showed the photos to my daughter who said "mommy, you are supposed to get a rebound not go and get the exact same thing...he does look like your ex!"
Well they were absolutely right...the next day I got a phone call from.......his girlfriend! She had seen my name and number in his phone and wanted to know why he was talking to me late at night. I was completely honest with her, and even sent her screen shots of his dating profile (which he'd conveniently deleted). I have been taking screen shots ever since! One of the questions she asked was if he asked me about much money I made and I told her yes, and I thought that was odd. She said he made decent money but wasn't saving anything so he relied on her a lot financially...plus he was paying a lot in child support and actually lived with her!!!! She also said that the name he gave me wasn't his real name! He contacted me shortly thereafter trying to explain, saying he told her it was over. I asked him not to call me again and then SHE called me back, asking what he said to me...I told her, "he said he told you it was over and asked me if I'm still interested"....to which she responded, "no he was supposed to tell YOU it was over and he wasn't going to talk to you anymore"...neither of them contacted me again after that!
Well! This experience got me to thinking about myself, my preferences and the fact that I did seem to have a TYPE. My type is generally athletic, football player build (kind of stocky)...so the first question I asked myself was...is this type more prone to cheating? (I later read a study that correlated taller men with athletic body types with higher levels of testosterone, and also of course the fact that more women are attracted to that type so maybe so.) Obviously a lot of women prefer THAT type...so I switched it up! I deliberately chose users that didn't look that way during my next search. I also extended my age range to 35-45 and lowered my height range to 5'7".
Also one of my friends informed me that I could upload my photos to the site and then make them private. That way, when I send a message they are available so I can attach them to individual messages to users.
Guy #7 Sent this guy photos in a private message and then exchanged numbers. One thing that struck me as odd is when I called him his voicemail said his number was a Google Voice number. Also when he sent me photos they were from different generic Google bounce email addresses???? (this will be in the Red Flags list) When I asked him about it he was nonchalant and said something might have been wrong with his email address. He also told me he had four kids...2 from his first marriage and 2 from his second. He asked if I was ok with the fact that his kids were biracial because some women had a problem with that. He seemed immediately taken with me because we had so much in common (both worked in IT, both had children, both former military, etc.) and he called and texted me a lot...much more than anyone else I'd met on the site so far...he bragged that he made really good money but he also asked me what kind of money I made (by now this is a red flag). He kept saying that he needed a good woman in his life to be a good mother to his kids. I told him I felt he was rushing a LOT and needed to slow down but he kept saying we had a connection. He also told me he'd told his mother about me and she said I was "the one." That struck me as odd because 1. I would never dream of telling my mother about anyone so soon and 2. I couldn't imagine why my mom would feel someone I just met online but had never even met in person was "the one."
I agreed to go on a date with him but with the intent to let him down gently as I just felt something was off with him since he was rushing me too much. He showed up to the date wearing a nice orange and white button down long-sleeved shirt. I offered to pay for the date or at least split the cost but he said his upbringing wouldn't allow him to do that. The date went pretty well but he told me he had also told his aunt about me and she said "that's the lady you need to be pursuing..." Then he made a comment like "His second ex-wife wouldn't like me because he could tell I would be a better mother to their children than her..." So I said to him, "I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now so I haven't even considered that...but to be honest I don't think I want to deal with four kids and the baby mama drama that comes along with..." He immediately tried to backtrack and explain that there would be NO baby drama at all since his 2nd ex-wife would be intimidated by me and back down...he also kept saying "Let me explain..." which to me is a red flag. I ended the date by telling him I would really have to think about his situation but that I didn't think I wanted to deal with it. He texted me on the way home and said "I really enjoyed being around you and no matter your choice I'm happy I met you."
And then the next day...his girlfriend called me. She was very upset because he had told her he was going on a date with his mother...she had even picked out the outfit he wore...
Just like #6 he lived with her and she was taking care of him and helping with his four children. Again I sent her photos of his dating profile which he'd deleted of course.
Just like #6's wife she said a lot of things that resonated me from dealing with my ex....both girlfriends from #6 and #7 had their suspicions but the guys would always call them crazy and start arguments so they would drop the subject. I told her I was at a point where I wanted to write a blog and generate a list of what I now realize are red flags and she said she definitely wanted to read it!
One of the red flags that I also realized was evident with him and my ex was the "I told xyz people in my life about you and they think you are the one" lie. As she and I both agreed, there was no way that was true because his family knew he was with her and had been for awhile. Furthermore, if he had told them what are the odds they would tell him a complete stranger he met online is "the one" and that he should "pursue her?"
She asked me not to contact him again and to let her know if he contacted me...which I told her of course he would...she also said she didn't want to tell him that she had snooped in his phone so she wanted to know if it was ok to tell him that I contacted her...I was like of course! He sent me text messages as follows (which I forwarded directly to her):
"Thank you for what you did! I hope you're book works out and hurting other people doesn't heal you're pain. good luck"
And then:
"Also I contacted my lawyer and if write anything in blog that was anything to do with me we will file suit."
"Also, the person that you contact her lawyer will be contacting you about how you found her information."
So that was how the formalized blog idea was born...I wanted to generate a list of red flags that might help other women and also do a more formal evaluation of my dating experience so that hopefully I would find the right one...my sister informed me that a woman named Amy Webb had done something similar (coincidentally Amy works in IT as well) but I noticed she didn't list a lot of red flags so I still felt the need to do my own. For her web blog find Amy Webb: How I Hacked Online Dating
Guy #8 ...All I can say about this guy is Easy Like Sunday Morning :) He is very easy going and great to talk to. He is the only guy that I chatted and texted with who never asked for a photo. He said that as long I wasn't a 60 year old toothless man that would make him too embarrassed to go on Catfish then he was ok without them. He is another single parent and all around sweet guy...I love talking to him as he is very insightful and has a great sense of humor. I can honestly say that I find myself talking to him a lot and because of that I warned him that he may get friend zoned. I find myself venting to him about daily annoyances and unpleasant interactions with my ex and he finds a way to make me laugh about it all. I'm not sure if he would be considered a rebound but he has certainly made my post-breakup process easier! I even confessed my concerns about #7 to him and got his take on them. Funny enough, he showed up for our dinner date in an orange and white button down shirt too...we had a funny conversation about #7 and I informed him that he was wearing the same color shirt so apparently they had more in common than he thought!
After that he would always ask if I was on the phone with the "long sleeved orange shirt guy" to which I would respond that I only talk to the "short sleeved orange shirt guy." Even though he is someone I would consider dating I told him I have to continue my online dating to make sure he isn't a fluke. I also told him now that I've committed to writing this blog I have to see it through. I have an obligation to continue dating so that I can get enough data for accurate statistical results for my research. The only downside to him is that he is not as aggressive as what I'm used to...not sure if this is a deal breaker or not...to be continued.....
Guy #9 By the time I met this guy on the site I'd made my photos public. This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He called me but I missed his call...when I called back it went to voicemail and he had a Google Voice number. (Red flag!) He called me back and started talking about how he was a self taught technology person and how he didn't think people were very family oriented in DFW. I remarked that I didn't realize he worked in technology based on his profile and he explained that he doesn't work in technology but he wants to...in the meantime he was hesitant to tell me what he actually did. I let him know that I was concerned that he had a Google voice number because the last person that I talked to who was using Google voice was married. He explained that he doesn't initially use his real number because he likes to feel women out first because many women are stalkers and don't like to take no for an answer. However, he said he would send me his real number and never did...one convo and done as far as I'm concerned!
Guy #10 This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He seems to have a really fun personality. He works in IT as well so of course that's something we have in common. He is also another single parent with a child the same age as mine. However, the best way to describe him is that he was not the type of person that I would date but he is trying to transition into the type of person I would date because his daughter recently came to live with him. He was a sports bike riding playboy who is now trying to be a responsible single parent and it's very obvious. Not sure how the transition will play out for him but I keep in touch because I would like for us to work on a work related project together.
Guy #11 This guy contacted me on the site as well (I'm not big on them contacting me, I'd rather choose the people I contact). I dismissed his very minimal profile at first but then I decided I was being too judgmental and instead started chatting with him about the fact that he listed that he wasn't religious on his profile (this will be on the Red Flags list that is coming soon!). Ended up exchanging numbers with him and even though he was very conceited as I had assessed initially (based on his photos) he was also surprisingly well versed and intelligent. This made for a few good conversations and then a meet and greet. However, I asked him to put together a diet plan for me and paid him very well to do so as he said it was his specialty and was pretty disappointed in the results. I gave him my email address and he kept saying he emailed it to me but I didn't get anything. He asked for it again and I asked "why can't you just scroll up to the last text I sent it to you in?" He finally posted the "diet plan" as a response to an email I sent him about a show called American Horror Story (one of my favorite shows but I digress). I let him know that I could have gotten a much better diet plan by just Googling it and it wouldn't have cost me anything. I also let him know that I thought the email (or rather the response to my unrelated email) was very unprofessional. He got pretty upset about that which was expected. Then he apologized and promised to fix it but I'm sure I won't hear from him again. On to the next!
Guy #12 This guy contacted me also and again (in the spirit of being less judgmental) I responded. I chatted with him a few times and he seemed nice enough but again, how do you judge that exchanging dry messages on the site? So I gave him my number and in conversation found he had a job not a career. He then revealed he actually wasn't single he was going through a divorce. I explained that he was being very misleading by saying he was single (luckily I wasn't interested anyway but I didn't say that to him). He explained he didn't have anyone to talk to about his situation and also no one he could talk to about his career goals so I figured I could play counselor/mentor for a second since I'm SUCH a nice person :) After that he texted me good morning/good night almost every day and I'd respond in kind. He texted me one day and I decided I might as well meet him. I gave him a time but I was getting my hair done so I realized I was going to be late and let him know that...he sent me a sad face and a message that said "You aren't standing me up are you?" Awwwww...I assured him I wasn't and bought him lunch to make it up to him. He seemed nice enough and I suggested he join a Meetup group for entrepreneurs since he did have some great business ideas. He thanked me for taking the time to talk to him and give him advice. Who knew I'd be on a dating site doing good deeds? :)
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