I recently got out of a six year relationship and although I felt better I wasn't prepared for the void that was left after my ex. I realized I'd devoted so much time to him so now I had all this time and didn't know what to do! I decided to create an online dating profile just to "dip my toe in the water" and see what was out there. I'm a little bit of a nerd so I did some research and found an article online that stated Plenty of Fish was a great site because 1. It has great questionnaires 2. It is one of the largest/most popular sites and 3. It's free!
So I figured What do I have to lose? I signed up. I didn't immediately post photos because past online dating experiences consisted of guys completely disregarding what the profile says and messaging me because they liked my photos.
My search criteria was pretty simple...uh single, divorced, widowed statuses...black (there will be a post on dating outside my race later), ages 35-40 (I'm 33) and height 5'9"-6'1"....I learned in the past that I don't seem to respect shorter guys as much as I do taller...and of course they can't be too tall because I'm only 5'1"...there is nothing sexy about him having to bend down a lot or pick me up for a kiss!
And that's it! No preference for kids, education, none of that!
However, I didn't know how to privately send a user a photo so I had to exchange numbers with them...in the first couple of weeks I exchanged numbers with 10 guys! The site also didn't have a chat option so exchanging numbers was really the only alternative to slowly exchanging dry messages back and forth. I feel like I have to meet a person, or at least talk to them via phone to determine whether or not there is a connection.
I felt like worse case scenario I could block them, or even change my number if I had to.
***Numbers in bold indicate guys I met face to face...I only talked to the rest on the phone.
So of the 10 guys:
Guy #1. Chatted on the site and via text but when I sent him my photos he immediately said he wasn't attracted to me. I wished him luck finding what he was looking for and that was the end.
Guy #2. Chatted on the site but when I texted him my photos and also a "so where are you from" text the response was "this is a friend's phone. So I can't be messaging stuff..." My subsequent question "why would you be using a friend's phone?" was never answered so that was the end of that one as well.
Guy #3.Chatted on the site and when I sent him the photos he said "you look nice but I'm really into females with large butts..." I asked "Are you only looking for a hookup?" and he said "no...but I just can't see the butt...." I sent "LOL is this booty call hour or something?" (it's only 10 pm but I haven't dated in awhile so I don't know WHAT hours constitute booty call hours anymore) He replied "No, that would be 2 am..." I responded "ok just making sure" and never got another response...
Guy #4. Chatted on the site, sent him the photos and then we talked...I thought he was very intelligent but also had a little bit of street like me (he was a chemistry teacher)...had a couple of good conversations but after that he wasn't really available to chat or meet...he was always non-responsive or "watching football with his dad." I finally texted him to say that I felt like I was being catfished so I wouldn't be messaging him anymore. So that was that...Also, I showed his photos to my daughter and my friend and they both said he looked like my ex...bummer! (****Update, this guy eventually ghosted me. Later when I searched his number in Facebook I realized he was married****)
Guy #5 Met this guy on the site and sent him the photos after making sure he looked nothing like my ex! LOL...he took awhile to respond as well and when I asked why he said he was frequently busy or out of town due to his job. Conversations went okay...he seemed a little shy and again frequently unavailable...tried to set up a time to meet but he said he was always gone...finally told him I felt like he had someone and stopped messaging him.
Guy #6. Chatted on the site and then I sent him the photos and it took him forever to respond...he said his job took up a lot of his time which made me a little suspicious. We had a great convo about him being a good man and his ex doing him wrong and how he was raised to provide for his woman so he worked a lot and she had a problem with that...however at one point in the conversation he asked exactly what I did and then asked me how much money I made??? Other than that I thought the convo was going pretty well but then I told him about my situation (I still share a house with my ex that I have to go through the process of getting my name off of) and he said "well that's ok because I have a roommate situation....I dated a lady who needed somewhere to stay and now she won't get out...."
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This comment struck a note with me because I had done a three-way call with my ex and one of his conquests (she asked me to listen in...she was in love, couldn't believe that he lied to her and only 21 hence the three way call) and he said the exact same thing about me even though I found our house, we split EVERYTHING down the middle and had recently gotten engaged...
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But I digress...I asked #6 if his "roommate" paid any bills and he said no...I responded..."why would she go anywhere when she is being taken care of?" He said "well, I don't want to just kick her out"...hmmmmmm...and then he said "And she tries to sneak in my room at night..." I was like, uh, meaning you guys sleep together? And he was like yes...I said "ok, we are all grown, why can't you just say that?"
So I decided not to talk to him anymore after that conversation because obviously, something was afoul...it was starting to stink like one DEAD fish...in the meantime I told one of my friends about it and showed her his photos and she said..."well, he looks exactly like your ex...you definitely have a type" WHAT????? I needed a second opinion so I showed the photos to my daughter who said "mommy, you are supposed to get a rebound not go and get the exact same thing...he does look like your ex!"
Well they were absolutely right...the next day I got a phone call from.......his girlfriend! She had seen my name and number in his phone and wanted to know why he was talking to me late at night. I was completely honest with her, and even sent her screen shots of his dating profile (which he'd conveniently deleted). I have been taking screen shots ever since! One of the questions she asked was if he asked me about much money I made and I told her yes, and I thought that was odd. She said he made decent money but wasn't saving anything so he relied on her a lot financially...plus he was paying a lot in child support and actually lived with her!!!! She also said that the name he gave me wasn't his real name! He contacted me shortly thereafter trying to explain, saying he told her it was over. I asked him not to call me again and then SHE called me back, asking what he said to me...I told her, "he said he told you it was over and asked me if I'm still interested"....to which she responded, "no he was supposed to tell YOU it was over and he wasn't going to talk to you anymore"...neither of them contacted me again after that!
Well! This experience got me to thinking about myself, my preferences and the fact that I did seem to have a TYPE. My type is generally athletic, football player build (kind of stocky)...so the first question I asked myself was...is this type more prone to cheating? (I later read a study that correlated taller men with athletic body types with higher levels of testosterone, and also of course the fact that more women are attracted to that type so maybe so.) Obviously a lot of women prefer THAT type...so I switched it up! I deliberately chose users that didn't look that way during my next search. I also extended my age range to 35-45 and lowered my height range to 5'7".
Also one of my friends informed me that I could upload my photos to the site and then make them private. That way, when I send a message they are available so I can attach them to individual messages to users.
Guy #7 Sent this guy photos in a private message and then exchanged numbers. One thing that struck me as odd is when I called him his voicemail said his number was a Google Voice number. Also when he sent me photos they were from different generic Google bounce email addresses???? (this will be in the Red Flags list) When I asked him about it he was nonchalant and said something might have been wrong with his email address. He also told me he had four kids...2 from his first marriage and 2 from his second. He asked if I was ok with the fact that his kids were biracial because some women had a problem with that. He seemed immediately taken with me because we had so much in common (both worked in IT, both had children, both former military, etc.) and he called and texted me a lot...much more than anyone else I'd met on the site so far...he bragged that he made really good money but he also asked me what kind of money I made (by now this is a red flag). He kept saying that he needed a good woman in his life to be a good mother to his kids. I told him I felt he was rushing a LOT and needed to slow down but he kept saying we had a connection. He also told me he'd told his mother about me and she said I was "the one." That struck me as odd because 1. I would never dream of telling my mother about anyone so soon and 2. I couldn't imagine why my mom would feel someone I just met online but had never even met in person was "the one."
I agreed to go on a date with him but with the intent to let him down gently as I just felt something was off with him since he was rushing me too much. He showed up to the date wearing a nice orange and white button down long-sleeved shirt. I offered to pay for the date or at least split the cost but he said his upbringing wouldn't allow him to do that. The date went pretty well but he told me he had also told his aunt about me and she said "that's the lady you need to be pursuing..." Then he made a comment like "His second ex-wife wouldn't like me because he could tell I would be a better mother to their children than her..." So I said to him, "I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now so I haven't even considered that...but to be honest I don't think I want to deal with four kids and the baby mama drama that comes along with..." He immediately tried to backtrack and explain that there would be NO baby drama at all since his 2nd ex-wife would be intimidated by me and back down...he also kept saying "Let me explain..." which to me is a red flag. I ended the date by telling him I would really have to think about his situation but that I didn't think I wanted to deal with it. He texted me on the way home and said "I really enjoyed being around you and no matter your choice I'm happy I met you."
And then the next day...his girlfriend called me. She was very upset because he had told her he was going on a date with his mother...she had even picked out the outfit he wore...
Just like #6 he lived with her and she was taking care of him and helping with his four children. Again I sent her photos of his dating profile which he'd deleted of course.
Just like #6's wife she said a lot of things that resonated me from dealing with my ex....both girlfriends from #6 and #7 had their suspicions but the guys would always call them crazy and start arguments so they would drop the subject. I told her I was at a point where I wanted to write a blog and generate a list of what I now realize are red flags and she said she definitely wanted to read it!
One of the red flags that I also realized was evident with him and my ex was the "I told xyz people in my life about you and they think you are the one" lie. As she and I both agreed, there was no way that was true because his family knew he was with her and had been for awhile. Furthermore, if he had told them what are the odds they would tell him a complete stranger he met online is "the one" and that he should "pursue her?"
She asked me not to contact him again and to let her know if he contacted me...which I told her of course he would...she also said she didn't want to tell him that she had snooped in his phone so she wanted to know if it was ok to tell him that I contacted her...I was like of course! He sent me text messages as follows (which I forwarded directly to her):
"Thank you for what you did! I hope you're book works out and hurting other people doesn't heal you're pain. good luck"
And then:
"Also I contacted my lawyer and if write anything in blog that was anything to do with me we will file suit."
"Also, the person that you contact her lawyer will be contacting you about how you found her information."
So that was how the formalized blog idea was born...I wanted to generate a list of red flags that might help other women and also do a more formal evaluation of my dating experience so that hopefully I would find the right one...my sister informed me that a woman named Amy Webb had done something similar (coincidentally Amy works in IT as well) but I noticed she didn't list a lot of red flags so I still felt the need to do my own. For her web blog find Amy Webb: How I Hacked Online Dating
Guy #8 ...All I can say about this guy is Easy Like Sunday Morning :) He is very easy going and great to talk to. He is the only guy that I chatted and texted with who never asked for a photo. He said that as long I wasn't a 60 year old toothless man that would make him too embarrassed to go on Catfish then he was ok without them. He is another single parent and all around sweet guy...I love talking to him as he is very insightful and has a great sense of humor. I can honestly say that I find myself talking to him a lot and because of that I warned him that he may get friend zoned. I find myself venting to him about daily annoyances and unpleasant interactions with my ex and he finds a way to make me laugh about it all. I'm not sure if he would be considered a rebound but he has certainly made my post-breakup process easier! I even confessed my concerns about #7 to him and got his take on them. Funny enough, he showed up for our dinner date in an orange and white button down shirt too...we had a funny conversation about #7 and I informed him that he was wearing the same color shirt so apparently they had more in common than he thought!
After that he would always ask if I was on the phone with the "long sleeved orange shirt guy" to which I would respond that I only talk to the "short sleeved orange shirt guy." Even though he is someone I would consider dating I told him I have to continue my online dating to make sure he isn't a fluke. I also told him now that I've committed to writing this blog I have to see it through. I have an obligation to continue dating so that I can get enough data for accurate statistical results for my research. The only downside to him is that he is not as aggressive as what I'm used to...not sure if this is a deal breaker or not...to be continued.....
Guy #9 By the time I met this guy on the site I'd made my photos public. This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He called me but I missed his call...when I called back it went to voicemail and he had a Google Voice number. (Red flag!) He called me back and started talking about how he was a self taught technology person and how he didn't think people were very family oriented in DFW. I remarked that I didn't realize he worked in technology based on his profile and he explained that he doesn't work in technology but he wants to...in the meantime he was hesitant to tell me what he actually did. I let him know that I was concerned that he had a Google voice number because the last person that I talked to who was using Google voice was married. He explained that he doesn't initially use his real number because he likes to feel women out first because many women are stalkers and don't like to take no for an answer. However, he said he would send me his real number and never did...one convo and done as far as I'm concerned!
Guy #10 This guy contacted me on the site and we exchanged numbers. He seems to have a really fun personality. He works in IT as well so of course that's something we have in common. He is also another single parent with a child the same age as mine. However, the best way to describe him is that he was not the type of person that I would date but he is trying to transition into the type of person I would date because his daughter recently came to live with him. He was a sports bike riding playboy who is now trying to be a responsible single parent and it's very obvious. Not sure how the transition will play out for him but I keep in touch because I would like for us to work on a work related project together.
Guy #11 This guy contacted me on the site as well (I'm not big on them contacting me, I'd rather choose the people I contact). I dismissed his very minimal profile at first but then I decided I was being too judgmental and instead started chatting with him about the fact that he listed that he wasn't religious on his profile (this will be on the Red Flags list that is coming soon!). Ended up exchanging numbers with him and even though he was very conceited as I had assessed initially (based on his photos) he was also surprisingly well versed and intelligent. This made for a few good conversations and then a meet and greet. However, I asked him to put together a diet plan for me and paid him very well to do so as he said it was his specialty and was pretty disappointed in the results. I gave him my email address and he kept saying he emailed it to me but I didn't get anything. He asked for it again and I asked "why can't you just scroll up to the last text I sent it to you in?" He finally posted the "diet plan" as a response to an email I sent him about a show called American Horror Story (one of my favorite shows but I digress). I let him know that I could have gotten a much better diet plan by just Googling it and it wouldn't have cost me anything. I also let him know that I thought the email (or rather the response to my unrelated email) was very unprofessional. He got pretty upset about that which was expected. Then he apologized and promised to fix it but I'm sure I won't hear from him again. On to the next!
Guy #12 This guy contacted me also and again (in the spirit of being less judgmental) I responded. I chatted with him a few times and he seemed nice enough but again, how do you judge that exchanging dry messages on the site? So I gave him my number and in conversation found he had a job not a career. He then revealed he actually wasn't single he was going through a divorce. I explained that he was being very misleading by saying he was single (luckily I wasn't interested anyway but I didn't say that to him). He explained he didn't have anyone to talk to about his situation and also no one he could talk to about his career goals so I figured I could play counselor/mentor for a second since I'm SUCH a nice person :) After that he texted me good morning/good night almost every day and I'd respond in kind. He texted me one day and I decided I might as well meet him. I gave him a time but I was getting my hair done so I realized I was going to be late and let him know that...he sent me a sad face and a message that said "You aren't standing me up are you?" Awwwww...I assured him I wasn't and bought him lunch to make it up to him. He seemed nice enough and I suggested he join a Meetup group for entrepreneurs since he did have some great business ideas. He thanked me for taking the time to talk to him and give him advice. Who knew I'd be on a dating site doing good deeds? :)
