So I have been really busy but it is always on my to-do list to do a new post chronicling my dating experiences.
Guy # 10 from Venturing into Online Dating was VERY immature...I told him I didn't want to date him but I wanted us to work on a smartphone app together and he told me to lose his number because he didn't need any more associates.
I am still casually dating Guy #8.
I was exhausted from trying to juggle parenthood, working, working out and dating etc. so I decided to date him exclusively.
I fretted a little about how to tell the nice guy from my Vanilla Swagga Latte post...but luckily, he removed his profile the same day I was going to tell him I wanted to date someone else exclusively. I contacted him to let him know and he said "I was just going to tell you the same thing." Phew, that was easy!
But back to #8...we began to talk and text daily and see each other every weekend which made me feel like I was literally SLIDING into another relationship. I didn't want to do this yet because I'm not ready to completely devote myself to another man and my daughter while putting myself, my interests and my career on hold again. I told him I could only do that if we win the lottery so he plays all the time! In the meantime he does remain a daily, supportive, funny and slightly jealous constant in my life. :)
I also read a book called Blink by Malcolm Gladwell at the recommendation of my daughter who is reading it for school. The book stressed the importance of trusting your instincts and first impressions and going with your gut feelings which is something I'd definitely vowed to start doing.
Another great chapter in Blink described a researcher who was able to accurately predict whether a couple would stay married or get divorced by observing a conversation they had about anything other than their relationship.
The researcher would do what he called "thin slicing" where he observed and noted any emotions expressed by body language and facial expressions. The single most indicator (no matter how fleeting) that indicated the relationship probably wouldn't last was contempt (the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn).
I'd certainly gotten plenty of that in my last relationship! Guy #7's girlfriend said he told her his ex was crazy because she described him as "always emotionally abuse, cheating, constantly belittling and lying to me." She said she remembered the text because it was all the things she didn't want to admit he was doing to her. I told her my experience was exactly the same!
In the meantime I deleted my Plenty of Fish Profile and decided to try Eharmony.
EHarmony is $33 a month when you choose the 6 month option and they bill bi-monthly...so $66 a month for the first three months. They also verify your identity using information from your credit report.
I figured that would eliminate a lot of the cross platform (multi-site) scavengers and/or those who are misrepresenting themselves.
EHarmony is also a very managed dating experience....you answer a whole lot of questions about yourself including what is important to you (looks, income, etc.) and then they begin to send you matches. You don't get to pick anyone yourself. Your first communications are lists of questions that you get to pick from and send to your matches.
They do also have a What-if matching section that suggests people that may meet some of your criteria but not all.
Early on I wasn't getting a lot of matches...again chose age 40-50 (not much luck with those under 40) and Black of course and 100 miles from my location. I noticed that many of the few matches I was getting were stale profiles (hadn't logged on in over a month). I contacted them and a few of them removed their profiles.
I still wasn't getting any messages or responses so I expanded my search criteria (sigh) and began communicating with users closer to my age (34 and up), all races and from all over the world and, finally, one guy in my area.
Based on a lot of their professions (corporate executives, airline pilots, doctors, surgical assistants, lawyers, etc.) I realized a lot of them had busy and/or non-traditional schedules so I tried to be more patient.
Eventually a few responses started to come in...but they were days or weeks apart...by the time Eharmony allowed us direct communication I was confused about who was who and didn't remember any of the information I'd gleaned from reading similar responses to the same questions.
I started talking to one guy (airline pilot) who was a rude, know-it-all who talked entirely too much. He was also immediately taken with me for some weird reason (RED FLAG!) I guess because I just let him ramble on....he was also very arrogant and condescending towards me...he disputed and/or dismissed just about everything I said about myself and everything else. His mannerisms also came off very feminine to me...I was tired of hearing "Child, boo!" after the first conversation.
I told him I wasn't really feeling him after the first conversations and he was upset...but he said that a lot of it was nerves so he wants me to meet him in person before I make a final judgment. He is supposed to arrange his schedule so he can come to my city so we can meet and then I will more than likely cut him off...
The other limited conversations I had were similar which leads me to believe that non-traditional and or extremely busy work schedules and frankly, maturity level are the reason a lot of these guys are still single.
There were several exchanges of numbers that were never used...calls promised via text that were never made...I decided to start contacting them one last time before deleting their info...here is how one exchange went
*Names have been changed to protect the idiots...oops, I mean innocent :)
So met a 35 year old from across the country a few weeks ago on Eharmony...exchanged numbers and texted him a few times...he kept saying he would get back to me and didn't...so today I sent him this via Text and on Eharmony:
me: Good morning (idiot)*...we exchanged numbers but I haven't heard from you so I'd like to ask that you delete my number...I wish you the best in your search!
IMMEDIATE response for the FIRST time since I met him
Idiot: I just got a message from you that I found a bit harsh
So met a 35 year old from across the country a few weeks ago on Eharmony...exchanged numbers and texted him a few times...he kept saying he would get back to me and didn't...so today I sent him this via Text and on Eharmony:
me: Good morning (idiot)*...we exchanged numbers but I haven't heard from you so I'd like to ask that you delete my number...I wish you the best in your search!
IMMEDIATE response for the FIRST time since I met him
Idiot: I just got a message from you that I found a bit harsh
me: Well I apologize if it came off that way
Idiot: You should take into consideration that people may have things going on that may prevent them from sitting down to romance you. All you had to do was chill n be patient but fuck it suit yourself. right on :)
Idiot: Gluck out there with that attitude
Idiot: That really pissed me off
me: Wow
me: LOLLL
me: I'm not asking anyone to sit down and romance me...I prefer that you communicate what you have going on and set expectations...didn't think asking for a call was too much but if it is so be it, excuse yourself and good luck with the next...
me: Good luck with the language and anger issues as well
Idiot: Thank you Iyana, Oprah or whomever you may be
Idiot: Your over there doin too much
Idiot: Your bad
me: LOLLL
Idiot: I don't owe you any explanations it's damn phone call go sit down somewhere. I'ma pray for you
me: I'm doing too much but you are the one sending petty angry exchanges via text...would you like to call?
Idiot: How dare you try to fix my life like Iyana. The nerve of you. Didn't deserve this. You don't know whom your dealing with. Your too cute to be cutting up this early
Idiot: When I get a sec MAYBE I'll consider it
me: If it takes that much thought then don't...just stop texting my phone and again, good luck
Idiot: Wowwwwww
Idiot: R u serious over there
*************************************************
I actually went out with the one guy in my area who responded... he is 36 and I sent him this after our date:
Idiot: Gluck out there with that attitude
Idiot: That really pissed me off
me: Wow
me: LOLLL
me: I'm not asking anyone to sit down and romance me...I prefer that you communicate what you have going on and set expectations...didn't think asking for a call was too much but if it is so be it, excuse yourself and good luck with the next...
me: Good luck with the language and anger issues as well
Idiot: Thank you Iyana, Oprah or whomever you may be
Idiot: Your over there doin too much
Idiot: Your bad
me: LOLLL
Idiot: I don't owe you any explanations it's damn phone call go sit down somewhere. I'ma pray for you
me: I'm doing too much but you are the one sending petty angry exchanges via text...would you like to call?
Idiot: How dare you try to fix my life like Iyana. The nerve of you. Didn't deserve this. You don't know whom your dealing with. Your too cute to be cutting up this early
Idiot: When I get a sec MAYBE I'll consider it
me: If it takes that much thought then don't...just stop texting my phone and again, good luck
Idiot: Wowwwwww
Idiot: R u serious over there
*************************************************
I actually went out with the one guy in my area who responded... he is 36 and I sent him this after our date:
*Names have been changed to protect the Clueless...I mean identities...
Me: I normally date older men though
Clueless: No chance for me?
Me: Well I prefer to date men who can teach me things and advise me...with younger than 40 I find I have to teach them instead...and lecture them about things like not dancing on a hurt knee
(he was limping when I showed up for our movie even though he told me he wanted to go salsa dancing after...he was like, oh I didn't tell you, I hurt my knee in taekwondo today...I was like no, that wasn't me...there was a lot of back and forth about going to salsa and I told him I REFUSE to dance with you....he also forgot that I had to drive 45 miles to meet him at the freaking place he chose for the date)
me: plus I was offended that you weren't sure what you had already communicated to me or not
Clueless: I was actually looking to see if you remembered all I said
Clueless: Since you shared very little
(I wondered if he was getting me mixed up with someone else again after this statement...I had a long conversation with him and shared a lot, including the fact that I was deployed to Afghanistan. He decided he was going to call me "Kabul girl" after that. I thought he was joking but after the third time he said it I had to remind him that I was NOT from Kabul, did not speak the language and did NOT appreciate being called out of my name...)
Clueless: I know exactly what I said and whom and at what time
Clueless: But I appreciate the honesty
Clueless: What's the plan today
me: Ok!
me: Also women in the states are going to expect you to open car doors for them... (He's from Africa and grew up in Italy)
me: And I am from the south so I believe in cleaning my car before a date so they know I want to impress them :)
Clueless: I understand
Clueless: I am more of the authentic and spontaneous
Me: I normally date older men though
Clueless: No chance for me?
Me: Well I prefer to date men who can teach me things and advise me...with younger than 40 I find I have to teach them instead...and lecture them about things like not dancing on a hurt knee
(he was limping when I showed up for our movie even though he told me he wanted to go salsa dancing after...he was like, oh I didn't tell you, I hurt my knee in taekwondo today...I was like no, that wasn't me...there was a lot of back and forth about going to salsa and I told him I REFUSE to dance with you....he also forgot that I had to drive 45 miles to meet him at the freaking place he chose for the date)
me: plus I was offended that you weren't sure what you had already communicated to me or not
Clueless: I was actually looking to see if you remembered all I said
Clueless: Since you shared very little
(I wondered if he was getting me mixed up with someone else again after this statement...I had a long conversation with him and shared a lot, including the fact that I was deployed to Afghanistan. He decided he was going to call me "Kabul girl" after that. I thought he was joking but after the third time he said it I had to remind him that I was NOT from Kabul, did not speak the language and did NOT appreciate being called out of my name...)
Clueless: I know exactly what I said and whom and at what time
Clueless: But I appreciate the honesty
Clueless: What's the plan today
me: Ok!
me: Also women in the states are going to expect you to open car doors for them... (He's from Africa and grew up in Italy)
me: And I am from the south so I believe in cleaning my car before a date so they know I want to impress them :)
Clueless: I understand
Clueless: I am more of the authentic and spontaneous
Cluless: I don't plan
Clueless: I don't try to impress
Clueless: I am just consistent
Clueless: Doesn't mean I am a jerk, but I am me from the get go
me: Understood
me: It makes me feel like I wasn't worth the effort
(He got in his car and I had to wait outside the car on the passenger side while he moved all this stuff from the seat and floor)
Clueless: Sorry if I gave that impression
Clueless: But I don't place any value in the superficial
Me: I place value in cleanliness
Me: And order
Clueless: I respect that
Clueless: And I did not meant superficial in relation to you...I was just making a point
Me: No worries
Clueless: I think the depth of anything is evidenced with time
me: I used to feel that way but I've found my first impressions always prove to be accurate and I would always wish I had just followed them
Clueless: I completely agree with this last statement. Always trust your instincts
Clueless: My thoughts were all positive. If your heart accommodates friendship, I am available for that angle.
Clueless: If not, I am sure that your personality, your determination, your beauty (in and out) will make any man happy. And I am sure you will find abundant happiness.
Me: Thanks
(He removed his profile today)
Clueless: I don't try to impress
Clueless: I am just consistent
Clueless: Doesn't mean I am a jerk, but I am me from the get go
me: Understood
me: It makes me feel like I wasn't worth the effort
(He got in his car and I had to wait outside the car on the passenger side while he moved all this stuff from the seat and floor)
Clueless: Sorry if I gave that impression
Clueless: But I don't place any value in the superficial
Me: I place value in cleanliness
Me: And order
Clueless: I respect that
Clueless: And I did not meant superficial in relation to you...I was just making a point
Me: No worries
Clueless: I think the depth of anything is evidenced with time
me: I used to feel that way but I've found my first impressions always prove to be accurate and I would always wish I had just followed them
Clueless: I completely agree with this last statement. Always trust your instincts
Clueless: My thoughts were all positive. If your heart accommodates friendship, I am available for that angle.
Clueless: If not, I am sure that your personality, your determination, your beauty (in and out) will make any man happy. And I am sure you will find abundant happiness.
Me: Thanks
(He removed his profile today)
EHarmony I already want my $66 back!!!!!!
