This list of indicators and possible red flags is really the reason why I started the blog. I put my list on the board in my office and was very fortunate to have all my coworkers weigh in and provide their input. I tried to make the list gender neutral because my boss reminded me that women can exhibit these characteristics as well.
My whole team also suggested a few things that I added.
I started the list while online dating. I do feel like you are more likely to encounter ill intentioned people online because it is easier for them to misrepresent themselves there. It is also easier to prey on people who are on a dating site because, after all, they are all LOOKING for someone or something. However, I've seen these indicators during in person encounters as well.
I like to slowly gather as much information about a potential suitor as possible. At a minimum I recommend getting at least a first and last name and Googling the person. If they aren't forthcoming about real or full names that is an indicator or red flag in itself. Also Google email addresses and phone numbers...the wealth of information that can be obtained on the internet is astounding.
** Please note, this is not a list of disqualifiers, just indicators...and of course, these are just my thoughts and opinions.
One of the most important contributions to this list was a reminder from one of my female coworkers to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...God gave women intuition for a reason...most of the time if we end up in a less ideal situation it's because we had an idea but we chose to ignore the warning signs.
Here are some of the ones I've now learned to pay attention to here:
1. Too emotionally attached or invested in you right away.
My experience is that if a person starts talking about entering in a relationship with you or taking care of you early on it is normally a con. They are trying to sell you the dream of a relationship but they don't have good intentions. They may either already have a relationship (which has been my experience) or it may even be a scam.
2. Indicates that they've told family/friends about you right away...and those family/friends endorse you wholeheartedly.
This indicator goes along with #1 and is used to further substantiate the "relationship" dream. I think it's odd or hasty to say that you told your mother/sister/brother/aunt/cousin/best friend that you feel someone you just met is "the one" after one or two conversations...but it's definitely a red flag if you say that EVERY one of those people agreed with your assessment based on the little info you were able to provide and said that "The person definitely sounds like the one," or "That is the person you should aggressively pursue..." or "The person sounds perfect for you..." Again either it's a lie or your whole family is naïve and/or not good judges of character if NO ONE warned you to give it time or get to know the person better first. Either way, proceed with caution...
3. Has multiple email addresses and phone numbers, especially phone numbers that are prepaid (like Tracfone, etc.) or app based (i.e. Skype, Google Voice or Text Now) instead of through major carriers.
Another indicator that someone may be misrepresenting themselves is if they have multiple email addresses or phone numbers. However, this is something that may not be easy to ascertain. And there are some valid reasons for having more than one: i.e. work vs. personal. But one possible indicator is that the phone number is not from a major carrier. Prepaid phones may or may not be a sign but app/internet based phone numbers usually indicate they are hiding something.
I learned to make sure at least one of my calls went to voicemail so I could find out who the carrier was.
4. Limited availability.
This one goes along with #3. Of course we all have to work or spend time with family, etc. but a lot of us are still able to text. Be wary of anyone who is just completely unavailable (or even has their phone off) at certain times. On another note, also be wary if someone can ONLY talk to you while they are at work, for example.
I started to learn to call during those hours and leave messages...a couple of times I even waited up so I could call in the middle of the night...needless to say I got several wife calls as a result.
4. Drives a flashy and expensive car versus a practical one.
This is an well known indicator...often flashier people who are always bragging about what they have are misrepresenting themselves and their status. Real wealth is usually a bit more understated and practical.
5. Prefers the latest and greatest iPhone or other technology versus Android, etc.
This is really an updated version of #4.
6. Rides sports bikes.
Sports biker riders are obviously thrill seekers. Depending on how they ride (and whether or not it would be considered wreckless) it can often be said that they also have little or no regard for consequences.
7. Views on church.
A person doesn't necessarily have to go to church. But it helps to get an idea of how they feel about the subject as well as their spirituality. For example my ex used to often say that he was the Devil and that was why he wouldn't go.
In the words of the great Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
8. Disapproves of all their friends actions.
I've found that this behavior is often hypocritical. After all, if you don't have anything in common with your friend and you don't approve of anything they do then why are you friends with them? This is especially curious if you spend a lot of time with the friend who is always doing wrong. In my experience it often indicates birds of a feather.
9. Is really charismatic.
This is especially the case if the person is more charming than personable. Chances are if it sounds like everything they say is a line or gimmick then it probably is. You have to ask what shortcomings are they trying to hide or compensate for? Most sociopaths are described as charismatic and charming.
10. Is a single parent.
Single parents (assuming they are good parents) are generally more mature and responsible people since they are responsible for someone other than themselves. I prefer to date another single parent like me.
11. Is taller.
Surveys suggest that more women prefer taller men. However, research also suggests that being taller is linked to higher levels of testosterone which may also increase the likelihood of cheating. Couple that with the fact that taller men are preferred and it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I will definitely start trying to date shorter men from now on.
11. Prefers dogs or cats.
One of my coworkers suggested that cat lovers are more introverted whereas dog lovers are more social. I have yet to test this!
12. Has tattoos.
Surveys suggest that at least 20% of the population has at least one tattoo. I don't have a problem with tattoos as a whole but sometimes the type of tattoo and/or placement indicates a person who doesn't follow social norms or will go against the grain. Some tattoos (think face or finger tattoos) that can't be hidden would indicate the person doesn't care about other people's perceptions which could be good...but could also be bad. I would have a hard time taking a corporate businessman seriously if he had a face tattoo (sorry, Mike Tyson).
13. Works out a lot.
People who work out a lot are often concerned with looks, attention, approval and validation from others. However, some exceptions would be those who use working out as a stress reliever.
14. Plays video games.
I think that whether or not a person plays video games (and how much, obviously) can be an indication of their maturity level.
15. Has a good relationship with parents.
I thinks this goes without saying.
16. Has a good relationship with children's mom/dad.
This is a little bit of a tricky situation. Obviously you don't want the relationship with baby moms/dads to be TOO good because there may still be some feelings there. But it can be equally problematic if there is resentment or tension. The best situation is one where they don't want to be together for reasons agreed upon but they agree to get along in order to be the best parents for their children. Key words here are "they agree."
17. Is a clean person.
Obviously you don't want someone who is too clean to the point of OCD. However, my experience has been that people with messy homes and/or cars also have messy personalities. Of course no one is going to be able to maintain absolute cleanliness all the time. But it speaks volumes to me if an attempt is made at least. I do not deal with people who are content in their own mess and expect me to be content in it as well.
18. Handedness
There are theories about left handed people being more intelligent or talented but I haven't tested this theory. Only 10% of the population is believed to be left handed so this might be hard to prove or disprove anyway.
19. Maintains Vehicle/House, etc.
This is a personal pet peeve of mine but I feel like it indicates sense of responsibility. I don't care what kind of car it is or whether it's new or old but I feel it needs to be well maintained. To me this is a reasonable expectation of a responsible adult assuming you need reliable transportation to get to work.
20. Usernames chosen
I feel that usernames are chosen for a reason and indicate something about the people who choose them. I tend to avoid usernames that contain sexual innuendos or words like "pimp," "baller," "player," etc.
21. Is blameless and very negative about past relationships
I often like to ask a potential suitor about past relationships and why they ended. I've found you can learn a lot about the person from the way they react to that topic rather than the info divulged.
If there is a lot of negativity or sadness then it may suggest the previous situation is one they are not over.
If they speak about previous lovers with a LOT of contempt then beware! This is one indicator that they are possibly sociopathic.
Also, in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, a study on "thin slicing" relationships (observing little portions of them) found that contempt was the number one indicator that a relationship wouldn't last.
And finally, beware if they don't take responsibility for not one little portion of the break up. This means there is probably not a lot of self awareness or self reflection being done. They are probably moving from one situation to the next without learning a thing.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Preparing for a Relationship Spirtually
I was sharing some of the wonderful
sermons that provide relationship counsel for me with some coworkers and
realized it would be a good idea to put them here also.
I will check occasionally to make sure these are still valid video links...I will also check later to see if I can upload the videos or at least the audio directly to the blog...
Let me share one of my favorite Biblical verses first:
Better to dwell in a corner of a
housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman
Proverbs 21:9 and Proverbs 25:24
Principles of Marriage
1 Corinthians 7
Notable:
The wife does not have authority
over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another
except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and
prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of
your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
One of my all-time favorite sermons...and a particularly important subject considering the recent troubles of the speaker:
Bishop Eddie Long (Forgiveness)
Watch parts 2-5 if possible
Bishop TD Jakes (He Motions)
Make sure to listen to
18:58- Men Longing for Father
Figures
26:40- Women Have Never Heard Men
Talk
28:50- Women Learn about Men from
Other Women
31:30- How Men Communicate Compared
to Women VERY GOOD!
36:15- Women Talk Out Loud When They
are Thinking
36:42- How Men Process Internally
VERY GOOD! Life changing….
45:30- Losing Men VERY GOOD! Life
changing….
48:00- Losing Men in the Turns **A
must for motorcycle riders
53:00- Spiritual Women Trying to
Pray Away Natural problems
55:50- Puberty for Males
57:00- Women Start Training for
Relationships Early while Men Learn to Play Games
1:09:00 List of Ex Cons from the
Bible
Pastor Tamara Bennett (Prospering in
Your Gift 3)
https://youtu.be/RzJ5cRM65Ig
I love this woman...she is one of my all-time favorite female pastors. This part of the sermon talks about how women have to be taught to be women. She also mentions there is a death when a woman goes from being single to married.
https://youtu.be/RzJ5cRM65Ig
I love this woman...she is one of my all-time favorite female pastors. This part of the sermon talks about how women have to be taught to be women. She also mentions there is a death when a woman goes from being single to married.
Pastor Tamara Bennett (Prospering in Your Gift 11)
Pastor R A Vernon The Brady Bunch
This is a great sermon about how to blend a family.
http://thewordchurch.podomatic.com/entry/2013-02-20T13_11_21-08_00
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Soundtrack to My Heart (aka my Breakup Playlist)
I am a huge music lover and I pride myself on being able to find a song about anything! I also love being able to listen to music when I'm going through something because it lets me know that someone else has been through it and understands.
This list is kind of long but I've had a few heartbreaks in my years so I've had plenty of time to compile it! And that leads me to the first song
1. Gone Already (Faith Evans)
I'm not a big fan of Faith Evans so I don't even know how or where I first heard this song but it made me cry. It describes staying in a relationship with someone you know doesn't care about you for whatever reason and how you become numb and mentally detached from the situation.
2. Tired (Kelly Price)
This one is self explanatory. But I was especially able to relate to the lines "tired of the baby mamas..." and "tired of the ghetto drama." My ex would tell me the same stories over and over for hours about his children's mothers...he would also lie to people about me (including his children's mothers) which caused them not to like me.
3. Same Script, Different Cast (Whitney Houston feat. Deborah Cox)
I realized rather early on that my ex was doing the same things to me that he did to his ex wife so I started to relate to this song. I started listening to it more when I saw all the emails and talked to all the other women that he was also selling the exact same dream to.
4. Liar, Liar (Latocha Scott)
Self explanatory
5. Suitcase (Mary J. Blige)
I used to be a huge Mary J. Blige fan back when her songs were full of some of the pain and misery my own relationships were bringing. But I don't think anyone was a fan of happy Mary. :) Glad for this return to her "no more drama" self.
Favorite line "While you're trying to explain I'll be zipping up my suitcase."
6. Lesson Learned (Alicia Keys feat. John Mayer)
Still makes me cry....
On another note I was feeling Alicia's song Unthinkable in the beginning of the relationship after I found he lied to me about being married and I was trying to decide whether or not to deal with him...
7. Ex Factor (Lauryn Hill)
Favorite line "and when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay..." True story! And proof this fool is crazy!
8. He Think I Don't Know (Mary J. Blige)
Favorite line "I don't know what gets me more...about your two hour trips to the store...how they never have what you went there for...or that you say to trust you more..."
This reminded me of a story my ex told me (over and over again but I digress) about how he would "go to Walmart" for hours and read magazines in the middle of the night while he was with his ex wife...but he didn't understand why she didn't trust him.
9. (I Just Want it) to Be Over (Keyshia Cole)
Self explanatory
10. Free Yourself (Fantasia)
Very old but good one...
11. Truth Hurts (Usher)
GREAT song where he starts out accusing his significant other of "fooling around" but admits at the end that it's actually just his insecurities because HE'S the one doing wrong...preach Usher!
12. All the Ifs (Trey Songz)
Not sure if all men feel this way when they lose a good woman...but this is how Trey Songz feels about it...nice song at least!
13. It Kills Me (Melanie Fiona)
This is probably the theme song of every woman who is trying to stay with a no good man...Melanie's song 4 AM is another one...
14. I'm Out (Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj)
Nice f*** you song that you can dance to...
15. Heart Attack (Trey Songz)
Seems like Trey knows a few things about love and heart break...I LOVE this song!
16. Grenade (remix) (Bruno Mars feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line "Take, take, take it all but you never give..."
17. Yesterday (Toni Braxton)
I remember blasting this on repeat after I heard it for the first time...
18. If You Died I Wouldn't Cry (Mya)
I told my ex I wished he would die before...he told me that was the worst thing anyone could ever say to someone and a real woman would NEVER say that to a man...I was like, uh, it's NOT just me contrary to what you always say...someone ELSE even wrote a song about it...
Favorite line "I hope you die! I hope you die!"
19. Moving Mountains (Usher)
Beautiful song about the futility of working on a relationship sometimes...Usher and Trey Songz really know a thing or two about relationships...
20. Black Roses (Trey Songz)
Favorite line "Black roses for this dying love...an early Valentine. Special delivery just for you and I"
21.Climax (Usher)
A song about realizing the relationship isn't going to get any better...and then trying to figure out what to do next...another one that I listened to repeatedly.
22. I Don't Believe You (Pink)
Another poignant song about not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love you...made me cry when I first heard it.
23. Find Your Love (Drake)
Drake is not as good as Trey or Usher but I fell in love with the beat of this song before I realized it was another song about not wanting to admit that the person you love may not love you.
24. When a Woman's Fed Up (R. Kelly)
Self explanatory
25. I Can't Sleep (R. Kelly)
I just put this song on here as an afterthought just because I was a huge R. Kelly fan in the past but thought this song was stupid until I went through my first real heart break. I realized that you really don't want to eat or sleep when your heart is broken! Lesson learned. It became one of my favorite songs for awhile after that.
26. Me, Myself and I (Beyoncé)
Self-explanatory
27 La La La (Naughty Boy feat. Sam Smith)
My daughter's drill team performed to this song awhile back so I had it on a different playlist. It wasn't until after my break up that I realized this was a very tasteful song about not being able to listen to anymore lies from a lover that is full of BS.
Favorite line: "I can't find your silver lining...I don't mean to judge...but when you read your speech it's tiring...enough is enough!" That's probably the nicest way to say there is NOTHING good about the person you are referring to...and also to say "I'm tired of hearing these same lies that you keep repeating to me and everyone else!"
28. Reason to Believe (Rod Stewart)
Favorite line: "If I listened long enough to you...I'd find a way to believe it's all true...knowing that you lied...straight faced, while I cried...and still I look to find a reason to believe"
29. Deuces Remix feat. Drake, T.I., Kanye West, Fabolous, Rick Ross and Andre 3000
Another interesting male perspective on breaking up...
30. No Love (Eminem feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line: "And you can keep knocking, but won't knock me down...no love lost, no love found.."
I was sick with the flu and losing my voice one day when my ex called and he was pissed that I did not have the energy to listen to him talk for the requisite couple of hours. And of course he never asked how I was feeling. I remember putting this song on repeat and it made me feel better even though it made my headache feel worse.
Also worth an honorable mention is Drop the World by Lil Wayne feat. Eminem
31. Cold Case Love (Rihanna)
Beautiful, beautiful song about reflecting on a relationship after it's over...
32. Ring Off (Beyoncé)
Cute song Beyoncé wrote for her mother after she finally had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage.
This list is kind of long but I've had a few heartbreaks in my years so I've had plenty of time to compile it! And that leads me to the first song
1. Gone Already (Faith Evans)
I'm not a big fan of Faith Evans so I don't even know how or where I first heard this song but it made me cry. It describes staying in a relationship with someone you know doesn't care about you for whatever reason and how you become numb and mentally detached from the situation.
2. Tired (Kelly Price)
This one is self explanatory. But I was especially able to relate to the lines "tired of the baby mamas..." and "tired of the ghetto drama." My ex would tell me the same stories over and over for hours about his children's mothers...he would also lie to people about me (including his children's mothers) which caused them not to like me.
3. Same Script, Different Cast (Whitney Houston feat. Deborah Cox)
I realized rather early on that my ex was doing the same things to me that he did to his ex wife so I started to relate to this song. I started listening to it more when I saw all the emails and talked to all the other women that he was also selling the exact same dream to.
4. Liar, Liar (Latocha Scott)
Self explanatory
5. Suitcase (Mary J. Blige)
I used to be a huge Mary J. Blige fan back when her songs were full of some of the pain and misery my own relationships were bringing. But I don't think anyone was a fan of happy Mary. :) Glad for this return to her "no more drama" self.
Favorite line "While you're trying to explain I'll be zipping up my suitcase."
6. Lesson Learned (Alicia Keys feat. John Mayer)
Still makes me cry....
On another note I was feeling Alicia's song Unthinkable in the beginning of the relationship after I found he lied to me about being married and I was trying to decide whether or not to deal with him...
7. Ex Factor (Lauryn Hill)
Favorite line "and when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay..." True story! And proof this fool is crazy!
8. He Think I Don't Know (Mary J. Blige)
Favorite line "I don't know what gets me more...about your two hour trips to the store...how they never have what you went there for...or that you say to trust you more..."
This reminded me of a story my ex told me (over and over again but I digress) about how he would "go to Walmart" for hours and read magazines in the middle of the night while he was with his ex wife...but he didn't understand why she didn't trust him.
9. (I Just Want it) to Be Over (Keyshia Cole)
Self explanatory
10. Free Yourself (Fantasia)
Very old but good one...
11. Truth Hurts (Usher)
GREAT song where he starts out accusing his significant other of "fooling around" but admits at the end that it's actually just his insecurities because HE'S the one doing wrong...preach Usher!
12. All the Ifs (Trey Songz)
Not sure if all men feel this way when they lose a good woman...but this is how Trey Songz feels about it...nice song at least!
13. It Kills Me (Melanie Fiona)
This is probably the theme song of every woman who is trying to stay with a no good man...Melanie's song 4 AM is another one...
14. I'm Out (Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj)
Nice f*** you song that you can dance to...
15. Heart Attack (Trey Songz)
Seems like Trey knows a few things about love and heart break...I LOVE this song!
16. Grenade (remix) (Bruno Mars feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line "Take, take, take it all but you never give..."
17. Yesterday (Toni Braxton)
I remember blasting this on repeat after I heard it for the first time...
18. If You Died I Wouldn't Cry (Mya)
I told my ex I wished he would die before...he told me that was the worst thing anyone could ever say to someone and a real woman would NEVER say that to a man...I was like, uh, it's NOT just me contrary to what you always say...someone ELSE even wrote a song about it...
Favorite line "I hope you die! I hope you die!"
19. Moving Mountains (Usher)
Beautiful song about the futility of working on a relationship sometimes...Usher and Trey Songz really know a thing or two about relationships...
20. Black Roses (Trey Songz)
Favorite line "Black roses for this dying love...an early Valentine. Special delivery just for you and I"
21.Climax (Usher)
A song about realizing the relationship isn't going to get any better...and then trying to figure out what to do next...another one that I listened to repeatedly.
22. I Don't Believe You (Pink)
Another poignant song about not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love you...made me cry when I first heard it.
23. Find Your Love (Drake)
Drake is not as good as Trey or Usher but I fell in love with the beat of this song before I realized it was another song about not wanting to admit that the person you love may not love you.
24. When a Woman's Fed Up (R. Kelly)
Self explanatory
25. I Can't Sleep (R. Kelly)
I just put this song on here as an afterthought just because I was a huge R. Kelly fan in the past but thought this song was stupid until I went through my first real heart break. I realized that you really don't want to eat or sleep when your heart is broken! Lesson learned. It became one of my favorite songs for awhile after that.
26. Me, Myself and I (Beyoncé)
Self-explanatory
27 La La La (Naughty Boy feat. Sam Smith)
My daughter's drill team performed to this song awhile back so I had it on a different playlist. It wasn't until after my break up that I realized this was a very tasteful song about not being able to listen to anymore lies from a lover that is full of BS.
Favorite line: "I can't find your silver lining...I don't mean to judge...but when you read your speech it's tiring...enough is enough!" That's probably the nicest way to say there is NOTHING good about the person you are referring to...and also to say "I'm tired of hearing these same lies that you keep repeating to me and everyone else!"
28. Reason to Believe (Rod Stewart)
Favorite line: "If I listened long enough to you...I'd find a way to believe it's all true...knowing that you lied...straight faced, while I cried...and still I look to find a reason to believe"
29. Deuces Remix feat. Drake, T.I., Kanye West, Fabolous, Rick Ross and Andre 3000
Another interesting male perspective on breaking up...
30. No Love (Eminem feat. Lil Wayne)
Favorite line: "And you can keep knocking, but won't knock me down...no love lost, no love found.."
I was sick with the flu and losing my voice one day when my ex called and he was pissed that I did not have the energy to listen to him talk for the requisite couple of hours. And of course he never asked how I was feeling. I remember putting this song on repeat and it made me feel better even though it made my headache feel worse.
Also worth an honorable mention is Drop the World by Lil Wayne feat. Eminem
31. Cold Case Love (Rihanna)
Beautiful, beautiful song about reflecting on a relationship after it's over...
32. Ring Off (Beyoncé)
Cute song Beyoncé wrote for her mother after she finally had the courage to leave an unhappy marriage.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Dating a Socipath (aka They Must Know My Ex)
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The Vanilla Swagga Latte (aka Dating Outside my Race)
So I have never dated outside my race. I think other races are wonderful. I find members of other races to be very nice looking. However, I never find myself attracted to them. I don't consider myself racist...I think it's just a matter of personal preference. After all, I'm not a big fan of light skinned black men either. Something about dark skin just makes me....uh...smile :)
However, I live in a majority white neighborhood. Consequently my daughter goes to a majority white school and thinks white boys are the best thing since sliced bread (and the bread is white too, so she may have a point...)
She issued the challenge that I should date a white man in this experimental dating phase I'm in.
She even referenced the part in the movie Best Man Holiday where they referred to Eddie Cibrian's character as a "Vanilla Swagga Latte!"
And finally, she tried to make me watch the movie Something New again.
A friend echoed the same sentiment and when I protested she said, "Why not? It's not like you're trying to get married right away!"
True....
So I messaged six white guys and got NO responses. I happily reported this to my daughter who responded "Well, you have to do it again. Don't you always tell me to try again?"
At this point, I realize having a child who is old enough to be all in your dating business is not the most ideal situation...however she is the person who was closest to the situation with my ex and wise beyond her years probably because of it. She has been my rock and I stayed in the relationship for her because he was the only father figure she'd ever known. She used to get upset whenever we would talk about breaking up. When she was younger she didn't understand but now that she's older she's over it! I left because she was ready to go! And she was a big advocate for us moving out and me dating again.
More on my last relationship in a blog that will be coming soon titled Dating a Sociopath.
But back to the white guys...so I messaged six more....this time I was careful to find guys who looked open-minded...I also tried to look for ex-military guys because I figured they might be more diverse...I have to be honest here and say that the first time I accidentally on purpose picked only rednecked, possible confederate flag toting racist looking guys so I may be to blame for the lack of responses. Silly me :)
So I got three responses this time.
Guy #1 looked like the sweetest most innocent thing on the site...he mentioned being recently divorced so I thought he'd be relatable. However, he responded to my message saying "I'm honestly just looking for NSA FWB. Let me know if you're still interested." Well! I had to respect the man for his honesty. I responded saying I did appreciate the honesty but I wasn't interested. I told him I would buy him a drink to show how much I appreciated his honesty but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He said he understood and that I should message if I changed my mind. And that was that.
Guy #2 seemed pretty straight laced...he said he'd been divorced for three years...we exchanged numbers and we were texting about possibly meeting for coffee which turned into longer texts about coffee preferences and he asked if he could call me. We had a good conversation about coffee, and then about his job...I asked why he was single and he mentioned that his wife had cheated. I asked why he didn't try to reconcile and he actually got a little upset and said he tried but she liked to have sex with multiples and on video and he felt like what belonged to him was HIS ONLY! He then quickly ended the convo saying if I really didn't want to meet with him I should let him know? I assured him I did still want to meet for coffee the next day.
However, I thought his behavior was a red flag considering this was supposed to be resolved three years ago???? My thoughts were that either he was lying about being divorced, or at least lying about being recently divorced.
Well, the next day I overslept. I texted him and let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it by 11. I asked if we could do something later on that day. He said maybe and then he texted later to say the following week would be better. I contacted him the following week and we agreed to meet Wednesday after work for drinks.
And I never heard from him again. I called and texted a few times and told him I didn't mind if he didn't want to meet me...I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. I later saw that he was still on the site and I did see that he was online after that so I didn't contact him again...not sure what happened there but at any rate, it's done!
Guy #3 I messaged this guy because he sounded like he was ex military. I exchanged messages with him and he was actually an ex cop but we had the same military type camaraderie. I asked him if he'd had any success on the site and he responded, yes apparently it's going great because I'm chatting with you...I responded "Ok, that's smooth..." My daughter dubbed him "Dr. Smooth" and I have to admit he is living up to that nickname.
We did a meet and greet and had a great conversation. We have a lot in common being former military and law enforcement. He is also very down to earth, has a great sense of humor and he is good looking.
My sister asked if he was someone I would want to date and I said "Date, yes. sleep with, no"
She responded "Wait, doesn't dating lead to sleeping with?" and I responded "Most guys would like for it to...and therein lies my dilemma...I'm not attracted to him."
We went on our first date (movie date) and then talked afterward and again it was a lot of fun. I even told him what my daughter's nickname for him was and he said it is now one of his favorite nicknames. I didn't want to bring up the subject of race but I did ask him if he could dance and he said "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm white...I can snap my fingers and move my upper body or I can do a two step and move my lower body...but I can't do both!"
I laughed and told him that was a stereotype and he said, "No, it's not! But luckily I'm like the Dos Equis guy...I'm so smooth I don't have to dance!" I said "I agree, hence the nickname Dr. Smooth." So then I tried to gingerly approach the subject of next steps...I told him I didn't know what the rules were regarding kissing, etc. He said "we are too old for that so there are no rules but I don't kiss on the first date"...phew! In the meantime I continue to enjoy talking to him and luckily he has his kids this weekend so I have two weeks to figure out something before we can go on another date. I was doing dates during the week but that is exhausting!!!!
However, I live in a majority white neighborhood. Consequently my daughter goes to a majority white school and thinks white boys are the best thing since sliced bread (and the bread is white too, so she may have a point...)
She issued the challenge that I should date a white man in this experimental dating phase I'm in.
She even referenced the part in the movie Best Man Holiday where they referred to Eddie Cibrian's character as a "Vanilla Swagga Latte!"
And finally, she tried to make me watch the movie Something New again.
A friend echoed the same sentiment and when I protested she said, "Why not? It's not like you're trying to get married right away!"
True....
So I messaged six white guys and got NO responses. I happily reported this to my daughter who responded "Well, you have to do it again. Don't you always tell me to try again?"
At this point, I realize having a child who is old enough to be all in your dating business is not the most ideal situation...however she is the person who was closest to the situation with my ex and wise beyond her years probably because of it. She has been my rock and I stayed in the relationship for her because he was the only father figure she'd ever known. She used to get upset whenever we would talk about breaking up. When she was younger she didn't understand but now that she's older she's over it! I left because she was ready to go! And she was a big advocate for us moving out and me dating again.
More on my last relationship in a blog that will be coming soon titled Dating a Sociopath.
But back to the white guys...so I messaged six more....this time I was careful to find guys who looked open-minded...I also tried to look for ex-military guys because I figured they might be more diverse...I have to be honest here and say that the first time I accidentally on purpose picked only rednecked, possible confederate flag toting racist looking guys so I may be to blame for the lack of responses. Silly me :)
So I got three responses this time.
Guy #1 looked like the sweetest most innocent thing on the site...he mentioned being recently divorced so I thought he'd be relatable. However, he responded to my message saying "I'm honestly just looking for NSA FWB. Let me know if you're still interested." Well! I had to respect the man for his honesty. I responded saying I did appreciate the honesty but I wasn't interested. I told him I would buy him a drink to show how much I appreciated his honesty but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. He said he understood and that I should message if I changed my mind. And that was that.
Guy #2 seemed pretty straight laced...he said he'd been divorced for three years...we exchanged numbers and we were texting about possibly meeting for coffee which turned into longer texts about coffee preferences and he asked if he could call me. We had a good conversation about coffee, and then about his job...I asked why he was single and he mentioned that his wife had cheated. I asked why he didn't try to reconcile and he actually got a little upset and said he tried but she liked to have sex with multiples and on video and he felt like what belonged to him was HIS ONLY! He then quickly ended the convo saying if I really didn't want to meet with him I should let him know? I assured him I did still want to meet for coffee the next day.
However, I thought his behavior was a red flag considering this was supposed to be resolved three years ago???? My thoughts were that either he was lying about being divorced, or at least lying about being recently divorced.
Well, the next day I overslept. I texted him and let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it by 11. I asked if we could do something later on that day. He said maybe and then he texted later to say the following week would be better. I contacted him the following week and we agreed to meet Wednesday after work for drinks.
And I never heard from him again. I called and texted a few times and told him I didn't mind if he didn't want to meet me...I just wanted to make sure that he was ok. I later saw that he was still on the site and I did see that he was online after that so I didn't contact him again...not sure what happened there but at any rate, it's done!
Guy #3 I messaged this guy because he sounded like he was ex military. I exchanged messages with him and he was actually an ex cop but we had the same military type camaraderie. I asked him if he'd had any success on the site and he responded, yes apparently it's going great because I'm chatting with you...I responded "Ok, that's smooth..." My daughter dubbed him "Dr. Smooth" and I have to admit he is living up to that nickname.
We did a meet and greet and had a great conversation. We have a lot in common being former military and law enforcement. He is also very down to earth, has a great sense of humor and he is good looking.
My sister asked if he was someone I would want to date and I said "Date, yes. sleep with, no"
She responded "Wait, doesn't dating lead to sleeping with?" and I responded "Most guys would like for it to...and therein lies my dilemma...I'm not attracted to him."
We went on our first date (movie date) and then talked afterward and again it was a lot of fun. I even told him what my daughter's nickname for him was and he said it is now one of his favorite nicknames. I didn't want to bring up the subject of race but I did ask him if he could dance and he said "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm white...I can snap my fingers and move my upper body or I can do a two step and move my lower body...but I can't do both!"
I laughed and told him that was a stereotype and he said, "No, it's not! But luckily I'm like the Dos Equis guy...I'm so smooth I don't have to dance!" I said "I agree, hence the nickname Dr. Smooth." So then I tried to gingerly approach the subject of next steps...I told him I didn't know what the rules were regarding kissing, etc. He said "we are too old for that so there are no rules but I don't kiss on the first date"...phew! In the meantime I continue to enjoy talking to him and luckily he has his kids this weekend so I have two weeks to figure out something before we can go on another date. I was doing dates during the week but that is exhausting!!!!
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