Why Are We Single?

Why Are We Single?


Sooo after two years of dating and sharing lots of funny dating stories I have a theory.  Being in the Facebook singles groups I'm in and seeing the female side of things helped me tremendously so I'm glad they exist. 

I even came up with my own definition of dating and that is: Chasing people who are chasing other people.

I also learned that dating is something that has no real goal in mind...you can date just for fun or for sport (and many do).  I actually would prefer to court, or be courted...because courting is done with marriage in mind.  However, in many cases you still have to date first in order to identify those who would be worthy of courtship.

I don't really prefer online dating because there are so many perceived options.  The reality is you just have to spend a lot of time weeding through a lot of people who are definitely single for reason, people who have completely misrepresented themselves and people who really aren't single.  I also don't prefer it because dating multiples is exhausting.  At some point I was having a hard time keeping track of details about different guys (I started making notes under their contacts in my phone to keep up).  I also couldn't remember what I had and had not talked about with them.  And, finally I think it causes another problem...you can become accustomed to dating multiples.  You may like the sense of humor of one, and maybe the serious side of another...you might also enjoy going on totally different types of dates with them.  Unfortunately this makes it hard to choose just one.  Furthermore, when dating multiples you don't have to worry about availability.  If one of them isn't available you can just call the other.  These are all great benefits of dating more than one person but I think it makes us less motivated to choose just one.

I think there are three reasons so many of us are single: our types and preferences, the friend zone and online dating/social media (internet based interactions and communication).

Actually I may be able to touch on a couple of questions in this post that commonly arise as a result of dating, and especially, online dating before I get into those reasons.


Why do men lie (especially on dating sites)?
Men are strategists (which is why they love games, challenges).  Many of them are all about doing what they need to do in order to overcome obstacles and succeed at a game.  The dating game is no exception. 


In my experiences (and across all platforms) I noticed that men misrepresented things about themselves often...from where they lived to what they did, and then, most commonly, their height and how many children they had. 


But I asked questions, and as several of them explained to me, if they hadn't amended their stats to meet women's search criteria then many of them would never have gotten any matches at all.  For example, the average woman (no matter her height) seems to prefer a man at least six feet tall.  However, most men aren't six feet tall so again...if every woman is searching for men who are at least six feet then most men won't get very much attention...but if they were to change that one little thing then voila, matches!  (I found most men exaggerated their height by two inches or more). And also, something very few women seem to realize is, the men who ARE six feet are getting ALL the attention and therefore are very confused about what choice to make and have little or no motivation to settle.  The Facebook groups helped me to realize all the women were attracted to the same few men and they friend zone all the ones who are husband material.

I was also guilty of looking for men that had no more than two children (and sites like Match allow you to specify the maximum number of children a potential partner can have).  This is something men DEFINITELY lie about, and again for the same reasons...apparently most women are looking for a man with no more than two children.  I was soon able to tell how many children a man had by how many times he avoided answering that question.  If he said "Huh" I knew there was at least one.  If he said "Why, do you want anymore?" I knew that was at least two.  If he said "I take care of all my kids..." I knew that was at least 3.  If he said "Some of them are grown" it usually indicated at least four, and so on.  I did that to one guy and finally (as he was asking me if I thought I could afford another child) I was like so, you have six kids...he wondered how I knew, and he insisted I must have talked to someone else who knew him.  I guess I've always been blessed to be able to hear not only what a person says, but also what they DON'T say, which is more important. 


Is all this specifying features and options starting to sound more like buying a car than falling in love to anyone other than me? Ok...I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me.  The end result is that we start picking people more for what they have or what they are than WHO they are.  So when those things change (job loss, disfigurement, etc.) then we are stuck with WHO they are and it usually doesn't work anymore.  I really think that's the reason the divorce rate is so high.


So why do men lie in general? 


Other than for the reasons above (to adapt and overcome), one of the other things I learned being in the singles groups is some women really do NOT want to hear the truth.  I saw some downright, throw down Facebook arguments that got ugly when a man would say something as simple as "I don't like women with natural hair" or "I prefer a woman stay in shape or lose weight."  Or, the biggest kicker, "I prefer women who don't wear makeup."  And don't even think about saying "I prefer a woman with two or fewer children."  Ironically the same women who would get fighting mad at these truths were the same ones who had their six feet, no kids and six figure income requirements which leads me to one of the biggest problems I see in dating overall...lack of respect AND lack of self-awareness.  In some cases when someone decides they like you it seems there is nothing you can do about it...you try to tell them the truth and they get really upset.  They don't respect how you feel at all.  And I guess it also wasn't ok to not want them and their anger issues...so in those situations I lied too just to avoid the vitriol, or even some cases pure HATE.  Many of the men in the groups just chose to not say anything, but of course they got criticized for that too.  

 

So as far as lying even I began to develop my exit strategy approach to dating...I would meet someone and speak to them and if I decided I didn't want to pursue anything further I'd give a reason why...typically I just took an opposing stance to something that was important to them.  So if they wanted kids, I told them I didn't.  If they didn't want kids I told them I did.  Thankfully I really am ok either way since I already have a child.  If they didn't care either way either I told them I was planning to quit my job soon.  Although this strategy didn't always work, as indicated in Serial Killer Much? from my Where's Waldo post.  He had already told me he was very religious and attended church regularly so I quickly took the opposing stance (although it's true that I'm not very religious).  

Also, one of the funnier things I witnessed was the pictures argument.  So apparently in online dating men ask for pictures a lot.  This is one of the many situations where I do think more like a man because so do I.  If we are in a situation where we are dating and I don't get to see you every day I'm curious to know what you wore or what your smile looks like. 

Women Lie Too? Well I Never
Well apparently women get mad when you ask them to send you pictures.  Many men said that was their cue to leave the woman alone if she got mad (ironically I had a situation with And Another, from my Where's Waldo post where he was texting me for pictures and I didn't send them because I was asking him something else so that  may be why he left me alone).


But the men said the main reason THEY ask for pictures is because women will wear lots of makeup, only take pictures from certain angles, or even use lots of camera filters to make themselves look better.  They said the women who get mad are the ones who have done these things so again you've learned not only is she misrepresenting herself (the women always got mad if they were told this is lying) but also you know she has anger issues as soon as she gets mad when you ask her.  Disaster avoided! LOL


Sadly I met men who used just as many filters and angles and have just as many selfies and or old pictures which struck me as distinctly feminine so I began to call them Transformers....they were also most likely the ones to say "go look on my profile" when asked for a picture...I always told them the same thing...I am not interested in continuing to do online dating.  If I'm trying to have real conversations and interactions with you but you insist I need to go back online then when I do log back in I will go find someone else.


Matter of fact one of the questions I learned to ask pretty early on of the men was how many social media accounts do you have?  Most of the ones who had multiple Facebook accounts as well as Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. were just looking for attention like One Good Turn Deserves another Selfie in my Where's Waldo post.  I learned to avoid them pretty quickly.



So why is everybody lying?  Well a couple of the men told me the best answer.  All the stuff you do in online dating is like competing...the goal is to do whatever you have to do just to get your foot in the door and then actually meet the person.  Once you meet them there's a chance to win them over.  If you reveal things like actual number of children you have once you've met and the person already likes you then they are more likely to accept it.  Which honestly sounds more like what happens when...you meet them in person and get to know them for who they are...versus trying to specify who they should be online.


There is a great quote attributed to rapper Wiz Khalifa (someone I thought I'd never learn anything from) that sums it all up pretty accurately...extremely accurately actually.  I saw so many women recount tales of how a guy told them something they wanted to hear and they fell completely in love (in spite of actions that indicated maybe he didn't feel that way). 


Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That’s why girls wear make up; and boys lie.” – Wiz Khalifa


Why do People Ghost You?


I read a great article about all the reasons a person might ghost (completely disappear and stop contacting) you. They may just want to keep their options open, they feel you are getting too serious, they aren't interested but want to avoid conflict, etc. But funny enough, as I was deleting the numbers of men I'd encountered while online dating I decided to search those numbers in Facebook.  I was actually astounded at the number of men (and typically they were the ones I was actually starting to like) that already had someone.  Literally, girlfriends and wives, validated by social media (because I keep hearing if it's not on social media it's not real LOL) that they were with when I met them online. 


Ghosting is a topic that that comes up a lot and causes a lot of hurt feelings but I always try to explain that if they ghosted you they didn't WANT you for whatever reason.  Therefore they did you a favor.  So many people expend so much energy trying to convince someone that doesn't want them to want them.



Why are we Single? Our Types and Preferences


Some of the hardest advice to take in dating seems to be "learn to want the people who want you"

I also made the observation that good people are often not attracted to other good people...they find them boring.

But I am someone who doesn't really think I have a type.  My reasons for not dealing with the men I encountered were about personality issues, namely selfishness.  But since I got ghosted so much by people I was starting to like (who weren't looking for relationships as they stated) I started to wonder, is there something that I'm attracted to that makes me more likely to choose them?  The answer, again, is one I learned in the Facebook groups.  By now there was nowhere to enter a preference for number of children, height or anything else so what was attracting me exactly?  And the answer was: level of intelligence.  I didn't realize there were so many women, who like myself, were grammar Nazi's...when I looked back I realized that one of the things my picks had in common is they all had well written profiles...even in the Facebook singles groups they were the ones that had well written, grammatically correct comments and posts...I also looked for someone who seemed to be well versed, well rounded...and well employed didn't hurt.   And so again I realized all of the women and I were going after the same few men in all the groups.  I started to research the issue more and found it was very common.  The other thing these men also had in common was they were often rude, sarcastic, black/white thinkers, contemptuous and disrespectful.  I found myself constantly having to tell them how I expected to be treated though a lot of it should have been common consideration.  In fact, I found one GREAT article about it.  This article summed up most of my more successful dating experiences (if you can call them that since we didn't end up together).  Throw in less likely to settle or entertaining multiple women and really it would sum them up perfectly. 


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Why Being Attracted to Smarter Men Is the Biggest Reason You’re Single
By Evan Marc Katz

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-being-attracted-to-smarter-men-is-the-biggest-reason-youre-single/

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”

If I had a dollar for the number of women who have said that to me, well, let’s just say I’d be writing this from Tahiti, not Los Angeles.

And I can’t disagree with you: attraction is NOT a choice.

Yet if the very thing you’re attracted to never leads to the relationship of your dreams, don’t you think it may be wise to make some adjustments?  I think so.

You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.

You’d make adjustments if you were only looking for jobs on Monster.com and it never got you a job.

You’d make adjustments if you alienated your co-workers and wanted to feel better from 9-5 every day.

We’re constantly making adjustments in life.  Except in one arena.

Should it be any news that it’s the one arena in which you struggle the most?

And a big reason you struggle to connect with men is because you’re so bright.

I hear ya.

Like many of you, I’m a bit of an intellectual snob. I read voraciously. I like to discuss weighty issues. I know a little bit about a lot and can pretty much hold my own in any cocktail party conversation.

You want to know something else about me?

I’m a know-it-all.

I’m difficult.

I’m moody.

I’m opinionated as hell.

I’m a workaholic.

I’m an egomaniac.

I always want things my way.

Now before you decide that you hate me, I’d like you to consider two things:

First, does that description remind you of any of the men you’ve dated in the past?

If so, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

That’s the thing about really smart guys. They live in their heads. They’re somewhat tortured. They know what they’re worth. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with. They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating.

You’ve seen this yourself MANY times.

And yet you still say you want a man who is smarter than you are.  Hmmm…

Sounds like a pretty exhausting relationship, doesn’t it?

Sounds like the price you pay for dating a great conversationalist is pretty steep, huh?

On one side, you get a brilliant, stimulating mind, which really turns you on…

On the other you get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man who is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you.

Once again… Hmmm…

Before I forget, there was one other thing I wanted you to consider:

Very smart. Know-it-all. Difficult. Moody. Short-tempered. Opinionated. Workaholic. Egomaniac. Judgmental. Always want things your way.

Does that describe anybody else besides those brilliant men you’re drawn to?

It certainly describes my clients. And I wouldn’t be all that shocked if it somewhat described you as well.

And when two people who are that smart, that opinionated, and that strong-willed get together, it should obvious that sparks will fly – and tensions will mount.

So while I’m not judging you for being just like I am – I AM pointing out to you that if you insist that you can ONLY be attracted to men who are smarter than you, you are relegating yourself to less than 2% of the population (before we consider things like looks, height, money, religion, humor, charm, attraction, values, etc.)

Moreover, you’re relegating yourself to a man who is NOT A GOOD FIT FOR YOU.

And therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to only MENSA men.

The key to your future successful relationships is going to come in opening up to smart guys without all the baggage that comes from being brilliant and driven.

That does NOT mean that you are going to find yourself with a man who has never read a newspaper, who has no interest in foreign travel, or who can’t keep up with you and your friends.

It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of amazing, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be smarter than you.

It’s not all or nothing.

We compromise on things every single day.

Your job isn’t perfect. You put up with it for 10 hours a day.

Your friends and family aren’t perfect. You put up with them for the rest of the time.

And yet you still hold your boyfriend to a ridiculous standard, as if a man who went to a state school and doesn’t watch Sunday morning political talk shows is a dullard.

I know, I know.  You can’t help what you’re attracted to.  Me either.

But I spent the first 35 years of my life chasing women who were just like me – the smartest women in the room. And I put up with the same things that you have to deal with from men – selfishness, difficulty, self-righteousness and so on.

I married a woman who was smart – who gets every joke, who knows about Shakespeare and classical music, who has definite opinions about Israel/Palestine – but she’s not necessarily in the 98th percentile of intellectual curiosity.

And you know what?

It feels GREAT.

Because most of our lives are not spent discussing the finer points of Proust, or the best way to fix the 2-party system, or the science behind String Theory… our time is usually spent talking about fixing up the house, raising our daughter, planning our next vacation, figuring out what we’re going to have for dinner, etc.

Thus, my wife doesn’t HAVE to be like me – because we’re great together.

So if you believe in self-help, if you’ve read books about spirituality, if you’ve gone to shrinks and taken weekend seminars, and yet you still think your husband has to be on the exact same wavelength as you?

Sorry.  He doesn’t.

He just has to respect you. And you have to respect him.

My wife hasn’t done any of that personal growth stuff and you know what?

She’s happy. Better than that, she’s CONTENT.

Have you ever been with a brilliant guy who is, at heart, a miserable person?

I’ll bet you have.

And I’ll bet you’d do it again – hoping for a different ending this time.

Once again, there’s no different ending.

Brilliant men tend to be bad partners. You’ve seen this numerous times.

So, from now on, you’re going to discover the virtues of smart, kind, thoughtful, generous, easygoing, commitment-oriented men.

You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.

You CAN get the relationship you want; just not with the man you always thought you wanted.

Trust me, the reality is FAR better than the fantasy.

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I posted the article in several groups and the women were downright indignant LOL I couldn't believe how many rejected the notion, just as the author said.  I later posted that I was hanging up my Grammar Nazi badge because I'd learned that a man's grammar doesn't indicate anything about how good of a person he is.  I also put that in my experiences it often indicated the opposite.  I told them that I'd seen relationships where the woman often didn't realize her husband couldn't really spell until they were practically married.  There were a couple of women who agreed (one even said her husband didn't know how to spell her name), but many more who disagreed.  But I was really surprised by the number of men who responded, thanking me for posting it.  Once I starting looking past grammar (yet another pitfall of online dating) my dates improved significantly. 

My advice to all those women who refused to amend their preferences was at least have realistic expectations.  So many women cling to the ideal of finding this perfect guy even though a lot of their list criteria are contradictory.  One of the common topics was the number of women who want a successful man but don't want him to be a busy man.  Another one was the fact that many women want an extremely wealthy man but want him to also be faithful (even though he may travel a lot and women throw themselves at him at every turn).  And then, most importantly, once you find this man who meets all these contradicting criteria really ask yourself...does he want you?  If he doesn't don't try to force him to.  


Two of my favorite songs are "Grenade" by Bruno Mars and "I Care" by Beyoncé because they are both about loving someone who doesn't love you back.  So this is a common phenomenon as we all know.

Why is most of my advice directed at women?  Mostly because they are the ones who are more vocal and specific on dating sites and in the groups.  Men and women often posted screenshots of their dating profile descriptions.  The men usually had pretty short ones but the women would usually post a list a mile long  of do's and don'ts.  Too much like a job in my opinion...I guess we are doing too much thinking and not enough feeling.  And love is a feeling after all.  Also it seems like women worry more about finding someone than men do. 


I felt it was worthwhile to mention that four of the behaviors I observed the most in these extremely smart men were also identified by researchers as four behaviors that can accurately predict whether or not a couple will divorce.  Those four behaviors are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.


http://www.businessinsider.com/4-behaviors-can-predict-divorce-2015-1

Why are We Single? The Friend Zone

I can't count the number of times I've met men and women who seem to be totally into someone but when asked about the person they say "that's just my friend."  (like That's my Best Friend in my Where's Waldo post).

Even more mindblowing and astounding is I've met people who swear no one wants them...then when asked about a "friend" who sounds totally devoted they say "they don't count."

HUH?

Since when do the people who are completely devoted to us not count?  Well apparently this is a REALLY common problem...I even found a funny/not so funny skit about it dubbed the "Friend Zone Support Group"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE5bOxe5Pq8





I read a great article about how finding the one that I really liked.


http://elitedaily.com/dating/the-one-isnt-the-person-who-loves-you-most-but-the-person-who-understands-you-best/594071/


I believe that human beings are only searching for two things in life: to be remembered and to be understood. Love is the fusion of both these two basic psychological needs. It's finding that person that sees you as you, that relates to you and truly understands you, that is finding love. In all honesty, it isn't a simple task defining the sort of understanding that I am describing here.


It's almost as if it goes beyond understanding to knowing – the right person is the person that somehow, by whatever miracle, knows you. He or she knows you and knows you all the way to the deepest and darkest corners of you. He or she knows and understands you without you having to tell him or her all of your secrets, as if he or she were in on them from the start. He or she knows you in a way that no one else knows you. Hell, he or she may very well know you better than you know yourself.

So I made several posts to try to figure out how people get put in the friend zone exactly.  The answer was either they didn't meet a certain (often physical or financial) type (regardless of how loyal and supportive they were) or, even funnier, they dated and/or had sex before and it wasn't good but they still liked each other so they kept hanging out I guess.

 

I read a great article called "Why is it so Hard for Black Women to find the Love they Deserve?" and one of the matchmakers in the article said it best:

http://www.essence.com/2014/04/03/why-it-so-hard-black-women-find-love-they-deserve

FISHER: We found that as opposed to the White clients that we’ve had, Black women are usually looking for physical attributes first. We look for someone who is attractive to us and then we pick up on his hobbies, interests and values. Whereas, White clients are looking for the reverse first. What kind of job does he have? Is he going to be able to provide? Then they circle back.

GILMORE: We’re the first ones to look at men's bodies and how attractive they are whereas our White clients have a long list of requirements of things like character and integrity...


FISHER: ...and, then down the line, it backfires for us because you were never a compatible mix to start with.

ESSENCE.COM: Do Black women have realistic dating pool expectations?
GILMORE: We have clients that have a long laundry list of requirements—6 foot 4, with a Ph.D., never been married, no children, in his late 30s or early 40s—and a lot of times we then ask them, well, what are you bringing to the table? And, the answer is nowhere near all that. Why would you expect someone to have more than what you’re offering?

So I realized one of the biggest problems is that we don’t like the people who like us. I was jealous of the people who seemed to have several people who were completely devoted to them…I literally could only think of two guys from my past who both had serious anger issues and would probably land me in jail if I dealt with them.  But don’t think I didn’t try!

Even crazier is I've seen a few men and women who actually met someone but then their friend zone was the demise of the relationship.  They didn't realize how loyal they were to these "friends", often putting them before their significant other. 

When I first starting online dating the word friend made my skin crawl.  I don't have a male friend zone so I would hate when I didn't want to deal with a guy and he asked if we could be friends instead.  I always asked them the same thing: when I meet someone how do I explain to him that I have all these "friends" that I met on dating sites?  I have people that I've been shot at with and I don't even keep in touch with them.

My stance on opposite sex friendships is often regarded as arrogant but I've found it to be really accurate.  Most of the men I meet are attracted to me for some reason or another.  If that attraction isn't mutual then to me it's not fair to keep them around.  No matter what it evolves into (or maybe devolves into is a better way to put it) I don't think the attraction ever goes away.  And I think that attraction (and the commitment and devotion that comes along with) can undermine relationships.  These opposite sex friends usually aren't happy when their "friend" finds someone.

I have had male friends before but I always dropped them when I got into a relationship.  I tried looking some of them up (and also past exes) once I became single again in case there was a "one that got away" but no luck. 

I did start trying to cultivate male friendships since dating wasn't working.  It seems a lot of really good relationships start off as friendships since there is less pressure than dating.  However I didn't prefer them because there are always blurred lines in that type of friendship.  I met men that I could talk about almost anything with even though we didn't date for whatever reason...but they always make inappropriate comments or there are always innuendos that reveal their true intentions.

For all the people who staunchly defended their opposite sex friendships I always ask the same question...could you do or say everything you do with this person in front of your significant other?  If the answer is no that is not a true friendship to me.

One thing I say all the time is a lot more people would be married if they weren't getting most if not all of their companionship needs met by a plethora of friends already.


Even worse is the few people who would give someone they aren't immediately attracted to a chance expect them to make huge changes which isn't fair to them. 

Why are we Single?  Online dating/social media (internet based interactions and communication)


So I joined Facebook solely for the purpose of joining the singles groups I'm in.  I've now been in them for a year and decided that it was time to delete my account.  Why?  Because I noticed that genuine interactions are diminished in comparison. 



Being on social media is also distracting.  I found myself glued to my phone (my hands and wrist are even starting to hurt as a result) when there was a really good post.  I learned a lot but I felt like a lot of my life was passing me by as a result.  I mean I could even spend hours at work on a good post (I need to make sure my supervisor never reads this!)  I didn't meet anyone before I made this decision but as I posted...if the right one comes along I don't want to miss it because I'm looking down at my phone.  I was at a point where I would go to my daughter's events or start a conversation with her but log in and check on a good post...I didn't want to turn into one of those people I complained about that was social media obsessed and always on their phones in my presence.


In regard to relationships I think online dating breeds the misconception that there are a lot of options out there for us.  I've noticed one of the main reasons people friend zone each other rather than working with each other is because they always see something online that they perceive to be better.  They often say they don't want to settle and it makes me sad.


Furthermore, trying to specify your search criteria AND meet someone's search criteria adds another layer or complexity to an already difficult process. 

Online Dating Criteria Add Another Layer of Complexity to an Already Complex Process
The criteria that we use online to evaluate people (best pictures, best grammar) makes it even harder and honestly has little or no bearing on who they are as a person, or how compatible you might be with them.  I also noticed that a lot of women were looking for good DATERS which also doesn't tell you anything about good of a person they are.  Really all it tells you is they date a LOT so they are very experienced at it...and is that really a good thing?



The people who find each other in spite of these still sometimes spend too much time on their phones and/or social media and neglect their partners.  Even sadder, they tend to compare their situations to the illusions (oops I mean images) of relationships they see online…it’s a no win situation!



I also learned very early on in dating to avoid men who are very active on social media.  They really are more obsessed with themselves, attention, getting the most likes, etc. rather than living life, settling down or genuine social interaction.  I was able to avoid a lot of those who stayed glued to their phone on a date just by asking how many social media accounts they had.  By the time they said Twitter, Snapchat, 2 Facebook accounts, Instagram AND Pinterest I'd already have one foot out the door...but of course I went on a couple of dates with them anyway to validate my theory and yep, I always lost to their phone, or best case scenario, talk of other women or whatever the latest trend was on Facebook on the date.




Catfish Anyone?
The thing that was most surprising to me was how many adults take social media interactions VERY seriously.  I am familiar with the show Catfish where people fall in love with people they've never met (or at least an illusion of them) based on text messages and phone calls only to find they've been mislead.  I could understand that for young people because children now are practically born with a cell phone in their hands and for them genuine communication is somewhat of a myth.  But it really surprised me to see people my age and older who felt they were in a relationship with someone based on inbox messages, texts or phone conversations.  I'm the total opposite...I feel like I get to know nothing about you in messages, a little about you by talking on the phone and some of the things I need to know about you based on face to face interaction.  I need to know how you will react to me, and most importantly, how you will conduct yourself in certain situations before I would even dream of having feelings for you.  Therefore I don't take social media interactions seriously at all. 




Long Distance Sociopath
I met a guy who lived on the east coast in one of the groups who was social media obsessed (so needless to say that didn't go well).  He would question me about every post I made, the people who's posts I commented on and what my relationship was to them AS SOON AS I COMMENTED.  My sister had just moved to his state so I made the decision to visit them both (I think flying out just to meet someone for the first time is a bad idea).  His phone stayed glued to his hand even when we met and he was very rude and demanding...he also  told me I only needed to change three things and I'd be perfect for him (my hair, the way I dressed and the fact that I got upset when he was rude to me and/or stayed glued to his phone).  Uh, next! 




Long Distance Millennial
I met a younger guy who lived in one of the northern states and thought he had intelligent conversation although he seemed immature and responsible. I also learned rather quickly that he was rather dependent as he told me if we wanted to be together I had to help him because he had no clue how to move and also I had to come get him because he didn't think he could drive to Texas alone.  I also learned soon after that he was very sensitive.   One day he told me he had something important to talk to me about and the first time it was that he felt some of my comments on various posts (usually posts about past bad relationship experiences) were too negative...I was like um, so would you like me to just pretend I've never had a bad relationship experience? Or would the better solution be for you to stop following me on Facebook?  I don't get it. 



The second time he was very upset that someone had paired me with another singles group member on a "Facebook Couples" post and I responded to the post by saying "Heyyyyy, looks like we go together now"  He was so upset by that comment that he had to leave the group entirely.  He said he couldn't understand why I didn't see the comment as disrespectful considering he and I were in communication.  I told him I thought it was all in fun and as a joke and he said it should be common sense that it was disrespect.  Mind you, he was slightly younger than me and definitely a spoiled, entitled, selfish, self-important, dependent, know it all millennial who wanted to relocate to be with me (mainly because he didn't like where he currently lived) but had already told me 1. he didn't know how to move so I would have to help him 2. his only concern was that he wanted to bring his couch 3. I would have to come get him because there was no way he could travel alone from his state to mine.  Based on that I didn't feel he was the best person to tell me what was common sense and what wasn't but hey...maybe it's just me.


Long Distance Workaholic
I met another guy who lived on the east coast who again was very intelligent but a serious workaholic...he had two masters and was pursuing his doctorate.  We had great but very sparse conversations and then he flew out to see me but worked the whole time.  Once he returned home he immediately told me he didn't feel it would work because compared to him I was much too complacent in my career.  I explained to him I was comfortable where I was because it gave me the freedom and flexibility to be there for my daughter and he told me that was an excuse.  Needless to say I was very offended.  My daughter also accurately pointed out that he was very critical and judgmental like my ex.  We stopped talking but then he reached out again wanting to give it another chance but he didn't devote any time to it so I blocked him.  I saw him again months later at a national event and we were still cordial.