Looking back my dating strategy has typically been to find someone I could live with and not necessarily someone that I fell head over heels in love with and couldn't live without. It's not that I didn't think Mr. Right would come along...I just didn't see anything wrong with dating Mr. Good Enough in the meantime. It was also very important to me to date people that I wouldn't necessarily choose just to make sure I wasn't limiting myself or missing something. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I know it sounds cliché but life really is about the journey not the destination. You don't learn what you like or don't like in dating if you never date. You can't go into every situation (especially not dating) with the attitude that if it's not for forever it's not worth your time.
I realized that I differ from a lot of women in that they date
everyone expecting him to be the one...I date quite the opposite...I went into
it thinking most of the people I met would NOT be the one and I was ok with that.
I was just there to make sure that he wasn't (validating my assumptions).
I realize there can't be too many people who can accept all that I am and
vice versa...again maybe online dating and social media can be blamed for all
these perceived matches...I felt there could only be one. I also noticed many women only go
out with their types or those who meet their list criteria (which means very few dates) so that explains why their (very high) expectation is that this next
one could be the one...and that also explains the deep disappointment when it's not. I preferred to date whoever was interested in dating me which lead to a lot of interesting and funny experiences. I feel like wanting someone is like wanting a job. Your results are better if you apply more and go on more interviews (even for jobs you feel may not be the best fit) because only then do you learn what you really can and can't do. If nothing else you get better at interviewing.
I adopted this attitude because I quickly realized that what you're attracted to and what's good for you often seem to be two totally different things. I came to that conclusion not only after my last relationship, but also after noticing that a lot of the other single women's previous relationship experiences were exactly like mine. Literally I saw post after post where women described previous relationships that were exactly like what I described in Dating a Sociopath early on. I made it my mission to figure out exactly how to avoid going down that path again! It seems like sociopaths often seem to (or pretend to) meet all the list criteria a lot of women are looking for and the cycle continues.
Specifically I noticed the career women who prided themselves on being hard to get and making a man work hard for them were most vulnerable to this type of guy (apparently they are all pretty persistent like my ex was). We were all the ones who had high expectations...and it's no surprise that many of us were single parents too as these guys were always quick to come in and want to be a father figure to our children.
I advised others to trust their judgment and follow their instincts to avoid these situations. But I also think it's a good idea to get the advice of people around you, especially those who know you well, on your dating choices. For some reason that's another piece of advice that didn't go well at all. I think it's a great idea as they might see something you don't see. And I think it's similar to the way relationships used to work, when your families had to approve of each other. I got great advice from my friends, family and even my child during this process.
I adopted this attitude because I quickly realized that what you're attracted to and what's good for you often seem to be two totally different things. I came to that conclusion not only after my last relationship, but also after noticing that a lot of the other single women's previous relationship experiences were exactly like mine. Literally I saw post after post where women described previous relationships that were exactly like what I described in Dating a Sociopath early on. I made it my mission to figure out exactly how to avoid going down that path again! It seems like sociopaths often seem to (or pretend to) meet all the list criteria a lot of women are looking for and the cycle continues.
Specifically I noticed the career women who prided themselves on being hard to get and making a man work hard for them were most vulnerable to this type of guy (apparently they are all pretty persistent like my ex was). We were all the ones who had high expectations...and it's no surprise that many of us were single parents too as these guys were always quick to come in and want to be a father figure to our children.
I advised others to trust their judgment and follow their instincts to avoid these situations. But I also think it's a good idea to get the advice of people around you, especially those who know you well, on your dating choices. For some reason that's another piece of advice that didn't go well at all. I think it's a great idea as they might see something you don't see. And I think it's similar to the way relationships used to work, when your families had to approve of each other. I got great advice from my friends, family and even my child during this process.
Lessons Learned
And my dating experiences were fun...some were a little scary, but still, fun...if you are dating and it's not fun for you then you are doing it wrong! Stop doing it because it can be very stressful...and most importantly, if it's making you unhappy it's a self fulfilling prophecy...very few people are going to be attracted to you in the resulting unhappy state.
Most importantly I learned a lot...dating helped me to better understand what I was looking for as well as what I could and could not deal with.
My list of must-haves ended up being: respectful, responsible, sane, happy, considerate and interested (in me). Grammatically correct definitely didn't make the list!
Facebook Singles Groups
The Facebook singles groups were great...seeing the posts from the male and female point of view helped me to understand a lot about other single people and also about myself. I wasn't on Facebook at all but a couple of people recommended singles/socials groups to me and I'm glad I joined a few. I also went to several singles events (many national) as I still prefer to meet someone in person (it was fun meeting the women in the groups too, many of us had so much in common) and had a BLAST!
Dodged a Bullet
I was also able to find out more about the people I considered dating than I would have on a dating site. I remember one guy who caught my attention shortly after joining one of my first groups. He was handsome and we worked in the same field so we exchanged a few comments on a post. He did not contact me after and I decided to wait a little while before contacting him and I'm glad I did! A woman called him out shortly after on a different post (lots of people have been in these groups for years) for having 12 kids and bragging about raping a woman a few years before!!!!!! He responded that he took care of all his kids and had another on the way...and also that he did not use the word "rape." I was shocked, but also quickly realized the benefit of the singles groups over dating sites. I never would have known that if I'd just found him on a site. And of course, there are fewer fake profiles.
If You Don't Know You by Now
I also met a guy in one of my groups who was local. He was in his 50's and looked a little short so I asked his height and he told me 5'3". Well we met and he was nice enough...though he was actually about 4'9" to my 5'1" and seemed pretty immature. When I asked what he did he started telling me about his internship? He told me he was in school though he didn't like it and wasn't really sure what he wanted to do. I asked where he lived and of course he lived with his mom. He asked me for advice and I told him I'm not sure...at this point you may as well keep doing what you're doing until you collect social security...I don't mind that you live with your mom but I don't know if I can deal with the fact that you're still trying to find yourself and figure out what you want to do at this age.
Ghost me the First Time, Shame on You...
Exchanged numbers with another local guy and talked a couple of times
but never met then he ghosted me...saw him months later at a group brunch
and he told me he got busy. After the brunch he followed me to the mall so we could continue to chat. After that he texted me maybe a couple of weeks later to ask what I was doing and I told him heading to a wine
tasting two hours away. He asked me to pick him up on the way but said
no when I asked if he could drive back so I wouldn't have to drive the whole
time. He fell asleep on the way back. I still didn't hear from him
much but he texted me again and asked if we could see me again...we chose a day because he said he had other dates the day before and the day after and agreed we'd meet at a park near his house
around midday...I didn't hear anything from so I texted him the
night before for details...he called me back at 2 pm the next day asking if
I was still coming...I explained to him that in my mind midday meant noon so since I hadn't heard from him before that I wasn't coming. He got irritated and reminded me that he'd told me had dates before and after so said I should come (44 miles from me) right away. I told him it was too last minute and asked to
reschedule...he said he was busy the next couple of weeks and that I had to come that day. I told him we'd get together whenever he had more free
time and he got upset, saying I never wanted to talk to him in
the first place. I told him I thought he was being inconsiderate and he went off on me! Uh, next! Everything was about him, and how he felt. There was no respect for my time, resources or feelings.
We Got Something in Common
A guy contacted me who was an Army vet as well and he was a little rude at first. But we talked for a couple of days about our time in the Army and he seemed cool enough. He asked me what were my pet peeves in a man and I told him I could deal with almost anyone who was respectful and considerate except maybe smokers. He asked that our first date be close to him because he'd recently had eye surgery and didn't want to drive far. I told him I could pick him up instead so I did. The date went well enough although he was really jumpy and anxious. I recognized and understood it as a symptom of PTSD, something I'd experienced when I first returned from overseas. I mentioned it and he revealed that was Army retired and also 100% PTSD diagnosed and instead of taking the medication they prescribed for it he just smoked weed. I told him I wasn't a fan of the fact he was a smoker but I decided to try to go along with it since I understood his condition. However, he also had a lot of time on his hands (being retired) and called me a LOT...he would get upset when I couldn't answer. Early on he'd told me that he was flirty especially on Facebook and hoped I didn't mind...to which I told him I didn't care since we weren't together. But ironically he started questioning me about guys who would respond to my comments in the singles group we met in the first week. He also called me one day and was really pissed about the fact that a guy who was doing his floors for him had gotten sawdust on his car. I was confused because they had done the floors together and he had moved ONE of his vehicles out of his garage so they could cut the flooring there. I was like why didn't you move the other one too? And won't the sawdust wash off? Why are you mad at him? And he went off on me...I was like, um, yeah, please don't call me again!
When Your Friends Say they Don't Know Anyone, Believe Them
A lady at work also set up a double date for us with her husband and one of his friends. The guy was nice enough but also a little too eager and presumptuous...he wanted to hug me, kiss me and hold my hand although we'd just met. I made sure to let him down easy shortly thereafter and he was still very upset as he was already planning our second date. I met a few men like him in dating who seem to fall in love immediately without feeling the need to get to know me at all. They always get really upset when I don't go along with whatever they've planned and envisioned without me so it's best to cut and run as early as possible with them!
Long Distance Dating
I had a couple of long distance dating experiences as a result of being in lots of national groups. Personally I don't prefer long distance dating because yes there are lots of calls and texts but I don't consider any of that quality time because there is no companionship element. I desire genuine social interaction and communication, complete with hugs, body language and nonverbal cues. Also I definitely wouldn't recommend entering into a long distance relationship with someone before you meet them in person. It's very important to first see how they will react to you, and also how they conduct themselves in various social situations...otherwise, sorry, you do NOT know them. NO amount of phone calls, video chats and text messages will change that. I honestly think that you should meet as SOON as possible...meaning before you start to become accustomed to getting their phone calls and texts or start to develop feelings for them. Traveling frequently to see each other can quickly become very costly. And of course it's all wasted if it still doesn't work out. Dating coach Paul Carrick Brunson (one of my favorite dating/life coaches) recommended meeting in person within 48 hours. That rule honestly excludes long distance for many...and more importantly it excludes those who may have to figure out what they're going to tell their wives before going on a date LOL.
We Got Something in Common
A guy contacted me who was an Army vet as well and he was a little rude at first. But we talked for a couple of days about our time in the Army and he seemed cool enough. He asked me what were my pet peeves in a man and I told him I could deal with almost anyone who was respectful and considerate except maybe smokers. He asked that our first date be close to him because he'd recently had eye surgery and didn't want to drive far. I told him I could pick him up instead so I did. The date went well enough although he was really jumpy and anxious. I recognized and understood it as a symptom of PTSD, something I'd experienced when I first returned from overseas. I mentioned it and he revealed that was Army retired and also 100% PTSD diagnosed and instead of taking the medication they prescribed for it he just smoked weed. I told him I wasn't a fan of the fact he was a smoker but I decided to try to go along with it since I understood his condition. However, he also had a lot of time on his hands (being retired) and called me a LOT...he would get upset when I couldn't answer. Early on he'd told me that he was flirty especially on Facebook and hoped I didn't mind...to which I told him I didn't care since we weren't together. But ironically he started questioning me about guys who would respond to my comments in the singles group we met in the first week. He also called me one day and was really pissed about the fact that a guy who was doing his floors for him had gotten sawdust on his car. I was confused because they had done the floors together and he had moved ONE of his vehicles out of his garage so they could cut the flooring there. I was like why didn't you move the other one too? And won't the sawdust wash off? Why are you mad at him? And he went off on me...I was like, um, yeah, please don't call me again!
When Your Friends Say they Don't Know Anyone, Believe Them
A lady at work also set up a double date for us with her husband and one of his friends. The guy was nice enough but also a little too eager and presumptuous...he wanted to hug me, kiss me and hold my hand although we'd just met. I made sure to let him down easy shortly thereafter and he was still very upset as he was already planning our second date. I met a few men like him in dating who seem to fall in love immediately without feeling the need to get to know me at all. They always get really upset when I don't go along with whatever they've planned and envisioned without me so it's best to cut and run as early as possible with them!
Long Distance Dating
I had a couple of long distance dating experiences as a result of being in lots of national groups. Personally I don't prefer long distance dating because yes there are lots of calls and texts but I don't consider any of that quality time because there is no companionship element. I desire genuine social interaction and communication, complete with hugs, body language and nonverbal cues. Also I definitely wouldn't recommend entering into a long distance relationship with someone before you meet them in person. It's very important to first see how they will react to you, and also how they conduct themselves in various social situations...otherwise, sorry, you do NOT know them. NO amount of phone calls, video chats and text messages will change that. I honestly think that you should meet as SOON as possible...meaning before you start to become accustomed to getting their phone calls and texts or start to develop feelings for them. Traveling frequently to see each other can quickly become very costly. And of course it's all wasted if it still doesn't work out. Dating coach Paul Carrick Brunson (one of my favorite dating/life coaches) recommended meeting in person within 48 hours. That rule honestly excludes long distance for many...and more importantly it excludes those who may have to figure out what they're going to tell their wives before going on a date LOL.
Definitely No Asperger's Please
I met a guy in one of the groups who was from the Midwest for example. He worked in technology and seemed a little socially awkward but intelligent which is typical for men who work in our field so I was ok with that. We spoke on the phone daily and did video chats a lot. I thought he was very sweet and very polite. He also let me know he was a house music DJ who enjoyed "cocktailing." I was concerned, and hoped it wasn't some weird sexual thing I hadn't heard about yet but he explained that he was just someone who liked to mix drinks, and also go places that have good mixed drinks. We talked for about a month before he wanted to come see me. He also had family here in Texas so I thought it was a good idea. I gave him the info he needed to make hotel and flight accommodations and agreed to pick him up at the airport. I picked him up at baggage claim and he seemed disappointed that I didn't get out to give him a hug. I explained there were a lot of people waiting to pull up so I'd give him a hug later. He said oh, I didn't get my bag yet...ok...I asked him to get his bag and I circled the airport and pulled back around. I gave him a hug this time and then we left the airport. He immediately wanted to change the music in my car to house music even though he flew in late. I took him to his hotel and agreed to pick him up the next day for brunch and then a movie. I called him from outside his hotel and he didn't answer....after half an hour I was beginning to worry (and didn't have his room number) so I was debating on whether to ask someone at the desk to go up and check on him. He finally answered, and when I asked why he hadn't answered earlier he only replied "I was listening to my music." I asked if he'd forgotten I was picking him up, and he said no. Ok...He wanted to listen to house music again on the way to dinner/movie but I was already tired of it so I suggested we talk instead. We ended up talking about cars and a Michael Jackson movie I'd never seen. When we got to the theatre he was on his phone and cursing a lot instead of interacting with me. When I asked why he said he was trying to download the movie for me on his phone. I reminded him that I had already ordered it off Ebay in the car and asked that he talk to me instead. He pouted in his seat instead. After the movie he asked if we could go to a bar so I took him to one. He took forever ordering his drink, reading off and critiquing each cocktail on the menu before finally giving the bartender his own personalized order. He seemed pretty enthralled with the game that was on but also in the commercials too. It was like he didn't realize I was there. I got excited during a touchdown and accidentally spilled my drink in my lap (and the bar was drafty). The waitress and the guy sitting to my right asked if I was ok. My date, on the other hand, finally realized I was there and loudly exclaimed "You're drunk!" I tried to protest that I wasn't but he informed me that I was because I spilled my drink and that's something drunk people do. The bartender took my side, pointing out to him that my drink was full when I spilled it but he was adamant that I was drunk. I sat there cold and irritated as he forgot me again but suddenly he reached out and started rubbing my back. I asked why and he said because that's what you do to drunk people because it makes them feel better. At this point I realized he liked cocktailing so much because being able to use inebriation as an excuse made the behavior (which I believed to be Asberger's) a little more acceptable. I just wanted the date (which unfortunately was the whole weekend) to be over after that but I had promised to take him to visit his relatives and he hadn't mentioned it since. I asked him if he still wanted me to meet them and he said yes. I didn't feel like it was a good idea because we weren't together and I told him so. He asked if I wanted to be together and I gave him a resounding "Hell no!" He asked why not and I told him the distance (since it seemed pointless to explain everything else). He seemed surprised but said he still wanted me to meet them. I asked when and where and he told me the next day at 11 am at a Cheesecake Factory 44 miles away...what??? I asked if he could at least have them meet us later and he got irritated and said we had to meet them at that time. I met his family and his behavior was the same with them (loud and inappropriate with non-stop terrible jokes). By the end of the brunch they knew he would never see me again but he didn't. I took him to dinner the evening before he was to leave and waited until he critiqued the whole drink menu and then explained to him that I didn't think it would work. Again he was surprised (he was already looking forward to coming back) and I tried to explain that he barely even paid any attention to me. He said his whole world didn't revolve around me and I told him that was fine. He seemed very upset and then sad. When I asked how he felt, he said confused. I made sure he got back home and never spoke to him again.
I made the decision to delete my Facebook account at my one year mark. I decided I'd just continue to have fun, enjoy my life and meet people naturally. I've been asked why I always say people and not men and my reason is that everyone is growing old but not everyone is growing up...I've met some men, boys, monsters, transformers, etc. so I rather use people. Also I often meet girls and women (especially at work) and when they realize I'm single they want to hook me up with someone...or hook up with me...
Best First Impression thus Far
I got a message from a guy who'd recently joined one of my singles groups after commenting on one of his posts two weeks before I was going to delete my Facebook account. Thankfully he was local! We went back and forth a little before exchanging numbers. We talked on the phone and he seemed a little too playful for me, and just all over the place. But still I liked that he asked a lot of great questions so I agreed to do a quick meet and greet. No food, not even coffee. We just met at the mall so if I didn't like him it would be easy to just bail!
Well imagine my surprise when the quick meet and greet turned into a four hour conversation in the food court! And from there we went to the movies...needless to say we've been talking ever since! This was the only experience I had where I wasn't too sure about him after phone conversation but I was much more impressed with him in person. Typically it was the other way around.
We have so much in common and we look at so many things the same way so I'm very excited to see what happens next!
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