This list of indicators and possible red flags is really the reason why I started the blog. I put my list on the board in my office and was very fortunate to have all my coworkers weigh in and provide their input. I tried to make the list gender neutral because my boss reminded me that women can exhibit these characteristics as well.
My whole team also suggested a few things that I added.
I started the list while online dating. I do feel like you are more likely to encounter ill intentioned people online because it is easier for them to misrepresent themselves there. It is also easier to prey on people who are on a dating site because, after all, they are all LOOKING for someone or something. However, I've seen these indicators during in person encounters as well.
I like to slowly gather as much information about a potential suitor as possible. At a minimum I recommend getting at least a first and last name and Googling the person. If they aren't forthcoming about real or full names that is an indicator or red flag in itself. Also Google email addresses and phone numbers...the wealth of information that can be obtained on the internet is astounding.
** Please note, this is not a list of disqualifiers, just indicators...and of course, these are just my thoughts and opinions.
One of the most important contributions to this list was a reminder from one of my female coworkers to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...God gave women intuition for a reason...most of the time if we end up in a less ideal situation it's because we had an idea but we chose to ignore the warning signs.
Here are some of the ones I've now learned to pay attention to here:
1. Too emotionally attached or invested in you right away.
My experience is that if a person starts talking about entering in a relationship with you or taking care of you early on it is normally a con. They are trying to sell you the dream of a relationship but they don't have good intentions. They may either already have a relationship (which has been my experience) or it may even be a scam.
2. Indicates that they've told family/friends about you right away...and those family/friends endorse you wholeheartedly.
This indicator goes along with #1 and is used to further substantiate the "relationship" dream. I think it's odd or hasty to say that you told your mother/sister/brother/aunt/cousin/best friend that you feel someone you just met is "the one" after one or two conversations...but it's definitely a red flag if you say that EVERY one of those people agreed with your assessment based on the little info you were able to provide and said that "The person definitely sounds like the one," or "That is the person you should aggressively pursue..." or "The person sounds perfect for you..." Again either it's a lie or your whole family is naïve and/or not good judges of character if NO ONE warned you to give it time or get to know the person better first. Either way, proceed with caution...
3. Has multiple email addresses and phone numbers, especially phone numbers that are prepaid (like Tracfone, etc.) or app based (i.e. Skype, Google Voice or Text Now) instead of through major carriers.
Another indicator that someone may be misrepresenting themselves is if they have multiple email addresses or phone numbers. However, this is something that may not be easy to ascertain. And there are some valid reasons for having more than one: i.e. work vs. personal. But one possible indicator is that the phone number is not from a major carrier. Prepaid phones may or may not be a sign but app/internet based phone numbers usually indicate they are hiding something.
I learned to make sure at least one of my calls went to voicemail so I could find out who the carrier was.
4. Limited availability.
This one goes along with #3. Of course we all have to work or spend time with family, etc. but a lot of us are still able to text. Be wary of anyone who is just completely unavailable (or even has their phone off) at certain times. On another note, also be wary if someone can ONLY talk to you while they are at work, for example.
I started to learn to call during those hours and leave messages...a couple of times I even waited up so I could call in the middle of the night...needless to say I got several wife calls as a result.
4. Drives a flashy and expensive car versus a practical one.
This is an well known indicator...often flashier people who are always bragging about what they have are misrepresenting themselves and their status. Real wealth is usually a bit more understated and practical.
5. Prefers the latest and greatest iPhone or other technology versus Android, etc.
This is really an updated version of #4.
6. Rides sports bikes.
Sports biker riders are obviously thrill seekers. Depending on how they ride (and whether or not it would be considered wreckless) it can often be said that they also have little or no regard for consequences.
7. Views on church.
A person doesn't necessarily have to go to church. But it helps to get an idea of how they feel about the subject as well as their spirituality. For example my ex used to often say that he was the Devil and that was why he wouldn't go.
In the words of the great Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
8. Disapproves of all their friends actions.
I've found that this behavior is often hypocritical. After all, if you don't have anything in common with your friend and you don't approve of anything they do then why are you friends with them? This is especially curious if you spend a lot of time with the friend who is always doing wrong. In my experience it often indicates birds of a feather.
9. Is really charismatic.
This is especially the case if the person is more charming than personable. Chances are if it sounds like everything they say is a line or gimmick then it probably is. You have to ask what shortcomings are they trying to hide or compensate for? Most sociopaths are described as charismatic and charming.
10. Is a single parent.
Single parents (assuming they are good parents) are generally more mature and responsible people since they are responsible for someone other than themselves. I prefer to date another single parent like me.
11. Is taller.
Surveys suggest that more women prefer taller men. However, research also suggests that being taller is linked to higher levels of testosterone which may also increase the likelihood of cheating. Couple that with the fact that taller men are preferred and it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I will definitely start trying to date shorter men from now on.
11. Prefers dogs or cats.
One of my coworkers suggested that cat lovers are more introverted whereas dog lovers are more social. I have yet to test this!
12. Has tattoos.
Surveys suggest that at least 20% of the population has at least one tattoo. I don't have a problem with tattoos as a whole but sometimes the type of tattoo and/or placement indicates a person who doesn't follow social norms or will go against the grain. Some tattoos (think face or finger tattoos) that can't be hidden would indicate the person doesn't care about other people's perceptions which could be good...but could also be bad. I would have a hard time taking a corporate businessman seriously if he had a face tattoo (sorry, Mike Tyson).
13. Works out a lot.
People who work out a lot are often concerned with looks, attention, approval and validation from others. However, some exceptions would be those who use working out as a stress reliever.
14. Plays video games.
I think that whether or not a person plays video games (and how much, obviously) can be an indication of their maturity level.
15. Has a good relationship with parents.
I thinks this goes without saying.
16. Has a good relationship with children's mom/dad.
This is a little bit of a tricky situation. Obviously you don't want the relationship with baby moms/dads to be TOO good because there may still be some feelings there. But it can be equally problematic if there is resentment or tension. The best situation is one where they don't want to be together for reasons agreed upon but they agree to get along in order to be the best parents for their children. Key words here are "they agree."
17. Is a clean person.
Obviously you don't want someone who is too clean to the point of OCD. However, my experience has been that people with messy homes and/or cars also have messy personalities. Of course no one is going to be able to maintain absolute cleanliness all the time. But it speaks volumes to me if an attempt is made at least. I do not deal with people who are content in their own mess and expect me to be content in it as well.
18. Handedness
There are theories about left handed people being more intelligent or talented but I haven't tested this theory. Only 10% of the population is believed to be left handed so this might be hard to prove or disprove anyway.
19. Maintains Vehicle/House, etc.
This is a personal pet peeve of mine but I feel like it indicates sense of responsibility. I don't care what kind of car it is or whether it's new or old but I feel it needs to be well maintained. To me this is a reasonable expectation of a responsible adult assuming you need reliable transportation to get to work.
20. Usernames chosen
I feel that usernames are chosen for a reason and indicate something about the people who choose them. I tend to avoid usernames that contain sexual innuendos or words like "pimp," "baller," "player," etc.
21. Is blameless and very negative about past relationships
I often like to ask a potential suitor about past relationships and why they ended. I've found you can learn a lot about the person from the way they react to that topic rather than the info divulged.
If there is a lot of negativity or sadness then it may suggest the previous situation is one they are not over.
If they speak about previous lovers with a LOT of contempt then beware! This is one indicator that they are possibly sociopathic.
Also, in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, a study on "thin slicing" relationships (observing little portions of them) found that contempt was the number one indicator that a relationship wouldn't last.
And finally, beware if they don't take responsibility for not one little portion of the break up. This means there is probably not a lot of self awareness or self reflection being done. They are probably moving from one situation to the next without learning a thing.
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